Himhimthem

Advent Pain

2010-12-10T12:23:00.002-06:00

Slowing down and thinking about the Advent season, leading directly into the celebration of a most wondrous birth....that of our Christ child. I am grateful for this season. It doesn't hurt the way it used to, Christmas is painful, but not the same sort of pain I am comfortable with. This year it is pain like labor, that of being stretched to the outer most comfort zone of myself, and not the pain of past hurts and grief, though that does show it self at times, usually when least expected.

I am grateful for the pain I am feeling this year, the pain of giving into the long quiet before a birth of new ideas, new lifestyles, new hope, new convictions, new habits in a New Year. Labor is painful, in my experience it has pushed me to go to my soul, deep in my spirit, to the inmost of my being, to the Spirit of God with a silent crying out to God...I have liked quiet in my labor. This labor of my spirit hasn't been much different, I have wanted to sink inside, to stay in my cozy clothes, read about the quiet things in life, meditate on the word and deal with the pain without words or audible groaning, but groaning there has been. I have groaned that I am not comfortable with who I am anymore, that I need more, that I wanna stretch and walk, I need to sing and draw. I am aching for good art, sweet music, peace that passes understanding and space to figure out all that God wants me to be. I am embracing children more tightly, while letting the loose at a speed that leaves me dizzy with confusion and question. My heart aches out for the child that Iwas, while my spirit reaches out to the woman I am finally becoming, I am both comfortable and most uncomfortable.....full of anticipation, laboring over my life. It isn't a burden or a heavy yolk, I know that this is from my Father, in this I find sincere comfort during the most uncomfortable pains, I know that God is producing in me a woman by His design, that will be born, that is being born out of this story, His story in me. I am drawn to the idea that Christ, the babe was born after a labor, on the back of a donkey, in a stinky stable.....to hang on a cross for the sins of the world. I am only being asked to become a new creation, to be available to the work in my spirit that a Godly woman would be born out into this world, making the Father proud. I will labor with gratitude.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happiesat www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

It Just Doesn't Matter So Much

2010-09-19T15:51:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I have no doubt that others question the sanity of many decisions made for our family. That is perfectly fine with me. I am coming to the final thought more everyday, that the only opinions that matter when I lay my head down to sleep are my Lord's opinion and my husband's opinion. It isn't so much that I don't value the thoughts of others or consider the ideas of the masses, but that being said, I only hang my hat on the peace I find when I know that we have done what we are called to do.
This past week with the support of our surgeon 5 of our 6 sweet darlings had tonsillectomies. Many folks,nay sayers even, chose to be a bit discouraging. We heard everything from "I only did it with one and it was horrible," to "are you sure about this?" We were sure of what we did and am grateful that over the years we have become very practiced at ignoring the masses and listening instead to wisdom of some who know more than us, praying and leaning on the support of equally passionate people who love us. I likened doing the surgeries separately to pulling labor out for 10 weeks and frankly I didn't find much wisdom in that.
We even encountered one nurse who made her opinion known, I was gently reminded that she didn't have to come home with us, to just move on.
Facing opinions head on has become part of who we are as a family. Every time we all pile out of our 12 passenger church bus we have eager eyes, full of question, some who are brave enough to speak and others only speculate.
People offer up opinion long before they know us, depending on what side of the box some sit, we hear varying pre-conceptions.

Many homeschool mommas and papas see us as too liberal, our dresses are too short, our son's hair is too long, our music too loud and our thoughts on discipline too liberal....our reading choices and concert attendance, well they just pray about that.

Lots of former church friends wonder what the heck we are thinking after all we used to be crazy head covering, wheat grinding, marriage firmly failing, crazies....what can I say? I say "Blessed be the Grace and Hope of Jesus!"

My more liberal friends believe me to be a bit loo loo, as I pack up my children to head out to our local Church Of Christ a few times a week, where we worship out of the box clapping and raising hands, wondering why we send our babies to Belize, Atlanta, and Downtown Memphis and call our home the biggest mission field of all.

You of course can see the dilemma here.....all circles that we love and adore hold different opinions and for that matter different check list for life. We can't keep everyone happy and the fact that we look different and live differently by choice with a large homeschooling, slightly conservative, rock band listening to, shorts wearing, Church of Christ attending, passenger van driving, neurologically challenged, sometimes learning disabled, one income, pro-family, tolerant, loud, sometimes argumentative family....that I was once a head covering, wheat grinding, short lived vegan non-cooking, raw eating, critical spirit, check list having wife and mother makes keeping everyone happy even more difficult. My story today is I don't so much care. I wanna leave everyone we are near with some sort of peace about themselves, looking to the one who I desperately want to shine in me, the Lord...but what others think of how we are doing school, marriage, music, clothes, church, tonsillectomies, autism, TV, or ministry is only up to them. We will dance and sing, pray and play, laugh and sometimes yell loudly, pray for forgiveness as needed every minute and be quick to love others. As for me and my house we will look to the Lord for approval.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happiesat www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

well let us just catch up on here.....shall we?

2010-07-02T20:40:00.003-05:00

I realize that it is July, but feel the need to take you for a walk back to see a Saturday morning in May, May 15th to be persact. That was the Saturday I woke up in a puddle of tears, disolving my very carefully flavored coffee in to a hot mess. For me this was time for a melt down of an important sort. My kids had obviously started growing up......yes that is the melt down moment. Maci and Marti turned 12 on that friday, Sarah finished up middle school and made it clear she wasn't looking back she is intending to be a freshman, DJ my last child to be doing pre-school is now in first grade and let us not fail to forget that Zachary my eldest snot earned his drivers license and rode off in his bought and paid for car (almost). I had tears to cry and I felt that I deserved them(did I fail to mention that all of these realizations hit me the last day of achievement test for the kids)
FASSSSSSSTTTTTTT Forward to June. June, June, glorious June....June is the month we prepare our precious little darlings for Camp Highland the best week of the entire year for many of us for all varied reasons. The diffrence for me this year is that I would have only one of my 6 kids left with me for almost an entire week.....just us and him. Oh, the things we could do, how would we fill all the time? I didn't know and still don't. What do families with just one child, God bless them, do with their time, please I need to be more productive and make better plans for our future.
This brings me to JULY, where I have now found myself squarely in the place of a momma with a son traveling on ministry trips that are getting further and further away, Paragould,Arkansa/Atlanta,Georgia2x's/Independence,Belize....WAIT stop the presses THAT is in Central America, he has never even ridden in a plane before and now we let him drive a truck and ride a plane all in the same season. This is just to stinking ridiculous for one parent to handle, so why aren't two of us handling this. Oh, my sweet Donnie you say? He is napping, sleeping well, and trusting that this whole parenting gig we have been doing for almost 17 years, just may take shape after all....the audacity of it all, him trusting and not worrying. I am not sure how all this is gonna turn out, but I need more kleenex and I will share the rest of the story when I can get it together enough to think clearly through a cotton commercial.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happiesat www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

That Mom with All Those Kids, Making Big Moments Possible through the Value of the tightly Wrapped Little Moments

2010-04-18T19:22:00.004-05:00

At 11pm Friday night, I found myself serving up pancakes to 8 amazing teenagers, 3 pre-teens, and one darling 3rd grader, while my husband and youngest son slept soundly. It was a good night. I found myself squarely in the spot of being "that mom", while hot rolling Sarah's hair, ironing Zach's shirt, shooing younger siblings and making last minute phone calls for corsages and meeting times. I was 'that mom' standing in front of my neighbors flowers taking pictures and having my throat tighten when all the dates arrived for more pictures. I love being that mom. Much of my Friday was exhausting, we went to the zoo, we stopped by the florist, picked up last minute groceries, made multiple phone calls all while reminding myself not to smile to broadly or let the kids see me cry. This is one of the many moments I imagined over the early years of raising so many little kids. Dance night with our children, First dates, Algebra 1, Baptism, College Plans, Middle School, Camp, are all events that I dreamed of and didn't and don't want to mess up. What I am learning every step of the way though is that these big moments in the big boxes are all made possible by so many little moments with small ribbons, tears, prayers, fasting, hope, hurt, healing, sleepy moments. Talks about what Jesus did on the cross, the length of a dress, the color of their hair, ear rings for the boys or not, babysitting jobs, television choices, music choices, van seat and dinner seat choices, big chore day and put your close away right now afternoons, all make up the moments and the really important times where I have found myself hugging my kids, being the momma of teenagers, pre-teens and a kindergartner all at the same time, tired and crying, sometimes fussing and occasionally cussing....but so grateful to be 'that mom with all the kids'. Tomorrow is Monday and it is boring, Algebra1, Pre-Calc, 3rd and 5th grade math followed by easy addition and phonics. I will wrap it up with ballet and Love on the Table, but Mondays full of all the small moments wrapped in tiny boxes with so many choices will take me to my next big event....Mission trips to Belize, twins in Middle School, Sarah in High School, DJ hanging with big kids, Maggie and her achievement test, graduation, college, weddings and babies. I will handle the small moments with more care and honor the choices with love. On this day my story is bittersweet of holding on and letting go, knowing all the while that the richness of my life is proof that we don't have the answers to know the outcome will be peace that passes all understanding. The proof is in the small moments in the little boxes wrapped with care.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies
at www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

How Love Gets To The Table with this Small Family

2010-04-09T21:36:00.004-05:00

I wanted a big family, but I only had six kids. Crazy? Big family to most? Of course.....I have always jumped in with both feet. It is important to me to have a home with tons of kids who feel totally safe. I only had six kids of my on and a few years ago I wondered to myself how I would deal with some of the time I had previously given to pregnancy, newborns and preschool age children. God knew. I have been given the amazing gift of filling my home with boys (I have only 2 boys and they are 10 year apart and 4 girls all only a couple years apart), 6 little boys a few days a week. What a sweet gift. The gift comes not just from the noise and the dirt and the plastic cups and the dirt and the noise and the dishes( you get the picture), the gift comes largely from watching my babies, my sweet little children who I have adored for so long, wondering what kind of people they would be, share their lives. This evening I watched all sorts of slides in my slide show of live over here in Berclair. I watched my 14 year old cleverly open the kitchen door window and name us Pike King and smack gum while taking orders for meatball subs and lemonade, all with a grin and giggling boys taking plates full of food. I watch my 11 year old offer to take my precious little neighbor boy home for a bath and some quiet until mom arrived home from work. I watched my nine year old play hard with 2 kindergarten age boys (only one being her actual brother) and giggle with glee with they both called for "sister, more jumping on the trampoline!" I watched with hope as my baby boy coughed and sputtered his way (recovering from sickness and allergies) to his best friend Adam after a a harsh spill was taken on his turn with the big bike. My evening ended watching my almost grown up son, who stands taller than me snuggle up on the couch for a movie with a room full of brothers and sisters, some by birth and some by spirit and delightfully pat the back of a little one who just needed a bit of extra attention. I was given the distinct opportunity to see exactly what I have hoped for, a bright and shining future, full of adults that I can call family changing lives one person at a time. I adore putting Love on the Table for my family, the neighborhood and anyone who will walk to the kitchen with a plate, but at the root of it, I am just one mean momma. Consistently inconsistent, frequently loud, often grumpy, and usually impatient with messes and noise, there is no way we could do this life the Lord has called us to without our children God has so graciously given me to learn from.
They carry love to the table, wash the dishes we serve it on and sweep the floors we spill on. These children remind me not to yell at another kid, that math isn't as important as a smile and it doesn't all have to be done. All six of these kids show me how to grow our family differently, hugely, and with ease in one way I hadn't imagined, one neighbor at a time into the kingdom. My little family have made this paradise with love on the table, Pike Paradise with Love on the Table that we are grateful to share more often than not.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies at www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

Share a Meal with Someone Who Has Given Up a Lifetime to Share Meals With You.

2010-03-05T10:13:00.003-06:00

My sweet Grandpa has had multiple strokes here recently and the doctor has decided that he MUST stick to his diabetic diet (in addition to 100 other things on a list) to keep himself healthy. I was just there a month ago, measuring, reading labels, watching FOX news and napping sitting up on the couch while hanging out with two of the most AMAZING people at a place I fondly call "412" (not an area code a street number). BUT, a year or so ago Grandpa and Grandma and my family went out and we we were living large, we ate a feast, an unbelievable Greek feast at their favorite restaurant. I was so blessed to get the kids cleaned up and dressed from a day of playing with cousins, I pulled my hair back and said a prayer of thanks. I was thankful then and now for the chance to take two people out to dinner at their favorite place who had taken me out to eat and served so many meals in my lifetime. These two people took me to a Pizza Hut when I was 17 years old and I told them that I didn't have time or room for them in my life, that I couldn't deal with relationship. Grandma and Grandpa sat me down at their kitchen table with leftover Gumbo Burgers when I was 15 to tell me that if I wasn't going to behave with a certain boy I wouldn't be leaving the house again for the summer. Throughout my elementary years I spent summers eating zuchs from the garden covered with spaghetti sauce and mozzarella, zuchs with ranch, zuchs with salt and butter and tonnnnnns of fresh tomatoes, mostly on a back slab patio that as a family we have watch evolve to a covered room with drywall and everything. All summer while eating these meals I sucked up the sunlight, the Son of God, and the sweet smell of chlorine. I have shared many, many meals with my sweet Grandparents and last summer I had the blessing of buying a meal for two people who had foot the bill for so many of meals that involved so many long talks and for that night I sat back and listened to the table while my six kids had their on talks with them. It was an incredible blessing . Last month I served food to my grandpa and sorted out more questions over meals with my grandma. The conversations were different and I was pleasantly surprised that I had become a grown up right before there eyes at the kitchen table now with coffee instead of soda and I could handle another talk at the table over a meal AND I have become profoundly aware of how grateful I am for the meal I gave them last year before our lives all changed.
Have you thought about the meals you eat with the people you love the most?
Can you take an opportunity to give a sweet, un-warranted meal to someone who has given you meals for a lifetime
It is an important moment to take.
These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies
at www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

Truly the Gift of Peace that Passes Understanding Found In the Quiet and Musing of Momma

2010-01-27T15:41:00.003-06:00

Here in Pike Paradise it is not as loud as most would suppose, with 6 kids, a dog, a couple cats, some kind of lizard/dragon, a grouchy momma and a tired daddy. We have loud moments....when the washer is off balance, the math isn't finished, the dishes are stacked, the tvs are on, daddy is coming in from work and momma can't find her purse, but mostly not so loud. I am a momma that requires a level of peace and quiet, this is not totally obscure in a large family, it is just not always found in the most easily thought of places. I find quiet in the kitchen chopping onions, no one wants to come in the kitchen, I might give them a job at supper time. I find quiet at the dinner table full of all 8 of us, usually everyone is getting along for a minute and I can go to a place in my thoughts where gratitude lives. I can find quiet while I fold laundry, the sweet smell of fabric softener and the warmth of fresh towels is a place that I feel peaceful. I find quiet on Sunday mornings when I sit in the far right row with the kids taking communion remembering what the Lord did for me. I find quiet even when it is crazy and laughing or crying and fussing, because in the depth of my soul I know that there is a peace in this house that I must NEVER take for granted. I can not take for granted the peace when I am ranting (yes I rant like some take vitamins, once or twice a day just in case so no one gets out of line). I can not take for granted the peace we have in this home when I am watching the evening news and see there are so many who are not safe or loved and that there story has not turned out so nice as mine. I can not take for granted peace when I look at the picture of my friends sweet soldier son with his arm wrapped around me in a sweet embrace for a short visit home. I will not take for granted peace when I am chopping onions or heating left overs, because we get to eat. I must remember that peace is a gift, it isn't found or earned, or deserved, or obtainable outside of myself or because of anyone else. Peace will be felt and gratitude will be given over flowing today in our home with so much going on.
These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies
at www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

Wondering,Wandering,Finding and Never Forgetting

2009-12-20T09:39:00.003-06:00

So I wonder.....
I wonder about so many things throughout the day I am quite sure that it makes my family dizzy, especially my husband-
I wonder about the Apostolic Creed.
I wonder about what is for dinner tonight.
I wonder about the little boys that live two doors down.
I wonder about marriage and how it works itself out.
I wonder about communion and what it means, what is should mean.
I wonder why I should on myself.
I wonder about the great grief no one speaks of.
I wonder if the turkey broth will make good chicken soup.
I wonder how God spoke to Miss Helen and the Fowlers.
I wonder what happened in heaven when our marriage was redeemed.
I wonder what happened in heaven when I lost those babies.
I wonder what happened in heaven when the babies I had woke up this morning.
I wonder about atomic mass and the science of energy and how we think.
I wonder about the doctor who opened my tiny daughter up and fixed her heart.
I wonder if I will make cookies today.
I wonder if I am doing the right thing with my faith.
I wonder if some pain ever leaves.
I wonder if a certain peace is never meant to be experienced by some
I wonder if anyone gets some of the peace I know.
I wonder if any of my answers matter.
I have answers to some of these things I wonder about, but the answers change....often, and sometimes only slightly.
My heart has been broken over and over again by the Lord as I am understanding how much I really don't know and my heart has been mended over and over again by the Lord as I work through the brokenness caused by mere people who didn't know how to love me well.
Often my wondering brings me peace and understanding, sometimes my wondering brings me tears, because some things hurt. I don't believe that I will ever know the whys of some pains, because the only real why is we live in a fallen world with fallen people.
The peace I get when I understand something isn't so much the understanding, it is I believe,when I can see the Face of the Father and the Hand of God in any given experience be it Good or Bad and Know that He was present, ever present....He never left me.
My wondering has drawn me to more questions than answers, but I am grateful to wonder and sometime wander, and find that He is always there in the answers I get.
What do you wonder about?
What answers are you wandering from?
It is important to ask questions, to wonder, to regularly experience not having all the answers and being so delighted when you get an idea....and see He is there in it all.
These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies
at www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

2009-10-19T16:09:00.003-05:00

Maci and Maggie in the morning

Sarah and Maggie

Sarah and Morgan

martha

Maci

zach and holly (PROM 2009)

zach and long time childhood friend Bethany

Just shameless day of bragging on a few amazing people I love to pieces.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies
at www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

Pink Pants for the Many Days of All Sort of Tears

2009-10-16T10:50:00.003-05:00

I have never worn pink until now, but now I need pink. The pink reminds me that it is okay to walk around in a life I don't understand with days I thought I could never endure, grief that seems heavy and hope that seems somewhat overwhelming. I am wearing more pink.
I wore pink pants and a black shirt, I have dealt with 10 days of headaches, one bypass surgery with my mom, 2 rounds of strep with my twins, two bacterial infections with my 4 middle kids, some weird virus that I thought would kill my husband, a dryer that says,'klunk, da klunk, klunk' every time I put a load in, a broken water heater, a funny smell in the back of the house, becoming closely acquainted with my pest control guy, canceled two trips, had one amazing trip to see my family, break through seizures with my 5 year old, a wreck for my teen an his girl, loss of utilities, a bearded lizard of some sort that I understand ate her mate before she came to my home,one lost phone, one found phone, and an amazing marriage seminar for 5 (of 8) weeks that can only make this all more doable with my best friend and husband.
This is 2 months in the life of the Pike family....I have not loved every minute of it, much of it I have endured, not so patiently. I am grateful for most of it and I have loved a week or two of it, but through out it all I have had a team behind me, my network of sorts. To say this is the life I dreamed of would be a lie, I dreamed far less for my life, with a very different chaos, and much less love. I never dreamed of a life that I would where pink pants and a black shirt and think I looked amazing that Sunday morning.
I cry a lot these days, the days of pink pants. I cry when I am happy....when I watch my son with his sweet girl, I cry when I watch my teen daughter put on mascara, I cry when I watch my younger twin do a report, the doctors swore she would never do, I cry when I watch my 9 year old write stories and sleep peacefully next to our baby, I cry when our baby does kindergarten.....all of these tears have come between the happenings over the past two months, bright spots like my pink pants on a rainy Sunday morning.
I cry grief tears, when I see all the same children doing the same amazing things, about time lost in my life, memories never made, and pain that I never understood. But the days of the pink pants are not like the teary eyed days of years past, these are not days of depression or decomposition. These are the days of moving through finding relief, embracing health, coming to terms of agreement, redefining and acceptance of who I am and where I come from, days of figuring out where I come from. These are the days of the pink pants, new relationship with the same husband, different relationship with the growing kids, an understanding relationship with myself and figuring out how to puzzle it all together. These are the days of the pink pants.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies
at www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

The Shoulders, The Shoulded, and Not to be Shoulded On

2009-09-03T08:52:00.004-05:00

I decided to believe God for a family that was whole and loving. I decided that I would believe God for a marriage that would last and have deep meaning and health. I decided to fight the demons that haunt me from a life most can not fathom. I decide to hope for a future for kids that some believed we should never have. I decided to trust that the Word was True and not just a good idea. I decided that just because you say so isn't enough of a reason for me to quit, give up or decide your way is better. I decided that no one could or would pre-determine how I educated, fed, loved or continued having our children. I decided to trust myself and not the ones that had continued to be untrustworthy. My story is one of often difficult even painful decisions that have to be worth it or I wouldn't be able to breath. I am grateful, because my story has changed the very landscape of a family. God is good in my story and the "shoulders" are wrong. We were messed up and that was true, but God wasn't finished with my Story and having a back seat to healing as they 'shoulded' on me was not the place to be. There were a few who took front row seats and saw the pain and the hurt and dirty awful mess that this family was, up close and personal, but ohhhhhh, the Glory of God and the Joy witnessed as the healing has taken place and continues to take place, makes having the messy seats in our lives all the more worth it.
I know that some are reading my story and knowing they are a 'shoulder', I am not writing for you, I am writing the ones who dare to do what they are called to in the face of great pain and adversity, with peace.

I wondered as lay in my bed on September 1st, where I would be if I had listened to those who thought I shouldn't. Thought I shouldn't work on this marriage, thought I shouldn't stay in this family, thought I shouldn't have any more babies, and definitely thought I shouldn't be home educating.
The people who thought I shouldn't were many in number and they were the ones who should have been my greatest cheerleaders, on my side, but they all had opinions about what they thought I shouldn't be doing. I quit on them before they could quit on me. The thoughts were really more than that, they took action, made calls, wrote notes and even sought out 'the advice of authorities' to try and convince me other wise. None of them came and offered to wash dishes, hold the babies, or ask the how can we help questions. The dirty work was left to others, the 'unlikelys', and the unlikelys quickly had their sanity attacked as well....they didn't care if people 'shoulded' on them.
I find myself wondering if I hadn't done all the things I shouldn't have done where would I be and who would I not have in my life.
The most prominent thought on September 1st was that I wouldn't have my daughter who was turning 9 that morning. I definitely wouldn't have the 5 year old that I was scolded for conceiving. These well rounded, well educated teenagers who have become young people of integrity, seeking out the lost, and loving the unlovable, I wonder who they would be if I hadn't persisted and fought the 'should nots' and the authorities who were standing at my door.
The amazing 11 year olds who walk our cove loving neighbors who others had forgotten about, what if they had been taken as the should nots wanted them to be and properly educated by people less shakey in their lives. Oh, and the 9 and 5 year olds wouldn't even be, because we would not have conceived them, never mind had the audacity to bring them into this world with love and adoration, I wouldn't have dared.
I dared, I double dog dared, to go against the ones who thought we shouldn't. I fought with both fist up all the powers that be with prayer, and resources and with the help of only a few, and here we are.
I dare you to go against the 'shoulders' in your life who say what you should and shouldn't do, know that you know, that you know, that the good gifts He has given you are indeed good and fight for them, the marriage, the children, the faith, the hope, the belief that your dreams can come true.
This is my story today as I watch the 'shouldn't have beens' playing, and loving, and learning, and hoping for a future I am sure so many will say they shouldn't have. Don't believe it.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, 'happies'at www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

Work, Work, Work....Home Repair At It's Best

2009-07-13T12:16:00.005-05:00

It has been quite some time since I last wrote anything for this blog. It isn't that I have no thoughts or that my mind isn't constantly moving about the ideas I ponder, I am just plain busy.
Busy is good sometimes. Taking care of our home is a little bit like painting the Golden Gate, when you finish the last screw, it is time to begin again. Recently, I went back in mind to a time 8 years ago when I was consumed with the idea of painting the trim in our hallway and bedroom. It seemed dank and dark, needing some fresh sparkle. We were still without the current addition and the space was even tighter than it is now with five small children, my husband, myself and a dog in a two bedroom space. I couldn't however muster the energy to actually do the painting on the tiny hallway. It seemed that if I started, whenever I started I could only see all the rest of the work and jobs and needs around our home that needed to be done and so I didn't start because I felt I would never finish. We would never finish, in fact we still haven't finished. Our home has been a work in progress since we moved into it some 15 years ago, with just one little boy, who will be 16 next Friday. We are still needing to paint door ways that were made from window sill some 9 years ago (and needing to thank the Lord for those door ways in spite of them needing paint), we need to install some window thingys around the sills of the windows that are part of the addition ( and thank the Lord for the windows that keep us protected from the outside), and we need to carpet most of the house and what doesn't need to be carpeted needs to be re-finished (needing to praise God for all 18 feet, that run and walk across these floors everyday). We just finished painting the kitchen and the rain started falling on the freshly painted cabinet fronts this morning which reminded me I need to be thankful for the freshness of a summer rain, like God's out pouring on my life during some very dry seasons. The laundry is never done, the dishes always need some washing, the kitchen can always stand to be mopped again, the kids sheets need changed as soon as the last set is put on freshly for the week and the dusting just doesn't stop. Even this very moment I am sure that the same hallway I was unwilling to start (that finally a friend came and helped with) needs a good painting this season or maybe the next. I am not afraid to start anymore because I will see the work around me that needs to done. My life is much like our home, always in need of a fresh coat of sweetness on some corner that has been bumped often, or some cobwebs needing to be swept out of some hidden spot I am not willing to look at yet. It is a never ending project, and inevitably when I notice a new place to be touched up my attention will be turned to the cracks and crevices around me and instead of despairing, I believe I will try to find some joy. Joy that it isn't my work, but the Hand of God who will get it all done, if I have a willing heart. After all, in the direction manual of heart repair it says this -
".....being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
This scripture is so important to me because it shows me that even God doesn't do one quick fix and move on expecting that we will never need a touch again, that he will continue until completion WHEN the day of Jesus Christ has arrived. I am so excited to know that I am not a finished project right this moment and that like my home there will be a work done in me on a regular basis, a daily basis, an every moment basis, if I will only make myself available to His hand. God will work in me or through me one way or the other, but oh to do it willingly is some exciting stuff and today, I am grateful to be a home in need of some touch up work.
That is my story today.

These are my original thoughts, feel free to share only in their entirety with a direct link to the original posting at www.himhimthem.blogspot.com
Some are funny, some are sad, but they are all completely mine and it is important not to steal them from me....please be honest doing the right thing.

Humility

2009-06-19T08:11:00.003-05:00

Humility is an interesting concept, one I might add, I am not very good at.
When I look at the kids I have pride in what I have done. When I admire my home I acknowledge what we have made of our little space. But today, I am humbled. I woke in the wee hours with tears and a heavy heart, but not one of pain or sadness....I was overwhelmed by the hand of God in my life. I have these 6 amazing children and a husband that loves me more and more and I simply can't fathom all that God has done for me. We have an amazing Restored marriage.....a Miracle, A Hope only imagined that so many spoke against and discouraged me to hope for, God did it. These children have brought me to my knees over and over. Everyone prays for a healthy baby, so did we. Healthy babies weren't always in the plan for us, but we have amazing babies who are becoming more and more healthy everyday, being the best God created them to be, God did it. I am humbled when I see the walk and play and swim and text and pray and, and, and....I am amazed. Today I am humbled that really in spite of myself, God has kept us close during every storm. Today I am humbled that I have six children sleeping in various place in this house soundly with reasonable health and great hope for the future. Today I am humbled that around dark tonight Donnie will walk in and eat dinner with me at the table he bought his momma over 20 years ago. Today I am humbled that our kids will have friends over who choose to spend time with us, not because of our house or our stuff, but because of us. I understand not feeling worthy. Today I am humbled that because of Him I will be found Worthy of Him.
Today my story humbles me.

This Is The Way We Get It Done with a Discount

2009-06-14T12:21:00.002-05:00

Here in our family we have
One Village Toymaker employee, Zachary,
One regular babysitter with reasonable rates-Sarah Kay,
Two Mother's Helpers-Martha and Maci (they also moonlight as great organizers of closets drawers, kitchens and bathrooms),
One great Dog Walker-Maggie
And Daddy the great who does Home Remodel and Repair.
I share this because with the exception of Zachary there will be discounts abounding for the kids services (who are earning money for camp and retreats).......
Drum Roll Please
For Donnie and our Home Remodel and Repair Service, because here in the great city of Memphis there has been so much storm damage we want to Pay It Forward by sending a discount your way.
Donnie and I thought it would be a great time to offer a friendly neighborhood discount in light of all the storm damage. We are a homeschool, family run business working at the highest level of integrity and quality. We won't stop until you are pleased. It is also a great time to get your home ready for all the summer fun and guest. If you need roof repairs, window repairs, interior or exterior painting we would be blessed to come and offer you our services with integrity and excellent work. We are also busy scheduling new decks and great playhouses to spend the summer on and in.
Pike Family Economic Stimulus Package
Until July 31 we are offering a 10% discount on all jobs under $500, 15% for jobs $501-$1000 and 20% for all jobs over $1000 dollars. Materials are not included in this discount The work that is scheduled does NOT have to be storm related. It is our desire to serve our friends and family with not only a value but quality work. We come with excellent references and your satisfaction is what we count on to put food on the table--

We hope that in the coming weeks and months you will think of our family when thinking about home repair and spread the word. If you have a business you would like us to make referrals for feel free to let me know.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

The Knot In My Throat and Other Things I Am More Aware Of

2009-06-05T21:01:00.003-05:00

I walked out of painful chaos and into legalism of the religious sort, following that up with more questions than answers about life, lies, hopes, and heroes. I found answers to questions I didn't think to ask and asked questions I didn't dare to mutter before. While in the middle of all of these moments I saw that I had become an adult with no great definition of self, but knowing all the while that I would pass up religion for relationship and would pass up relationship with others to protect my heart and to find boundaries in my heart that hadn't previously existed. I found relationship in a community of believers that I never expected and when asked boldly "How, Why, and Where?" I can only answer, "Because Jesus is there and there is where I have been found again." The knot in my throat, the tears always on the edge are tears of grief. The knot is all I had hoped for what could have been when I started this journey at a place not so far away with people that I believed would run the race along side, people that ended up running a different leg of the race than us. I have heard these old voices, listened to the memories, and followed my heart to know....the pain that was left by the loss is still there. It is okay that today I don't know exactly who I am or where I am headed. I have relationship, with my Lord and with myself.....all the rest is a bonus. I want to know more, to see more, to share more but today I will just be more, quietly.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies
at www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

Family Like Never Before in Our Home

2009-05-28T20:21:00.003-05:00

In my backyard it is not glamorous , we have 6 bikes.....4 need tubes replaced but neither time nor cash have allowed that, the mosquitoes are vicious, the shed needs painting, you can find some stray Popsicle wrappers, and it is muddy (not just Memphis rain, also kids leaving the hose on to play in the mud with). This is my home. In our front yard are 2 big city garbage cans ( we are a big family), hostas, lambs ear, a pickup truck, a 12 passenger van (that needs the tags replaced NOW), my moms Taurus and probably some of the neighbor dog's dinner. This is my home. In my kids rooms are shared spaces, dirty laundry, beads in the carpet, i-pods, TV with no cable and possibly a few living fish in a tank. In our living rooms (kitchen, school room, living room, dining room)are kids clothes, books, papers, cat hair, unfinished old wood floors, old carpet, one TV with Direct TV, dog hair, the yummy smell of leftovers, comfortable couches and two computers. This is my home. We don't live in the nicest neighborhood, but I have some of the nicest neighbors, I would bet on it. Often money runs out before month and groceries before grocery day and patience before fun is had....but love never runs out. Coming to our home is like camping, hot, sticky, pool to cool off in, never sure what we will eat next, kids running, momma sometimes yelling and Daddy coming to the camp site late because he had to finish work before the weekend get away.
We don't live like most of the people we know, sometimes this is difficult, sometimes it brings great joy and it is always an adventure with blessings and memories that I didn't expect.
These are the little details of the big picture, when you walk into our home it looks like a big mess in our little house.....but our lives are full of little moments, Big ideas, big messes, lots of laundry, questions waiting to be answered, 6 kids, a grandmother,one working daddy and one busy quick to correct momma that needs to play nice a little more often.....this is our Home, The Pike Home......Family like never Before.

Mothers Day Musings with Busy Days, Big Nights, Growing Older and Loving Every Minute Of It

2009-05-10T20:08:00.003-05:00

Zachary and Holly MHEA PROM 2009

DJ at 5 years old and Mommy taking a long look at my last baby

Sarah and her friends at the big Girls Night Out

Sarah's Friends greeting her on the couch durning the Sunday School Hour on her sick birthday

Sarah' being surprised by the friends

In the last 4 months there has been so much going on that I can't even possible describe the roller coaster of emotions that have gone with the events. In February my oldest daughter turned 13, in March my youngest son turned 5, and last week my oldest went to the MHEA Prom.

On Sarah's 13th birthday she was very sick and so the party came to her that day....our sweet Senior Girls at Highland youth group and her fellow 7th grade friends all showed up at our home to sing and bring her some nice Starbucks Hot Cocoa....a priceless morning where I was sure once again that no one has ever felt as loved as our family feels by our amazing Highland Family.

She followed that party up a week later by having a girls night out party at a local hotel where the girls got to swim in February and dance all night long. One month later on March 25th, I went to officially not having anymore pre-school age children in my family when our youngest and second son turned 5 years old. For his birthday on a very muddy morning I bought him a Big Wheels his daddy and big brother put the toy together in the parking lot and I brought home Blue and Gray donuts (March Madness spirit for our home team the U of M Tigers) there was fun had by all. That was a bittersweet day where I found myself thinking about when the children were all so young and at 5 years old Zachary, our oldest was the "big kid" with 3 kids younger than him and that for 15 years I had a small child, pregnant and/or nursing....that season is over and it has ushered in a new season........

Just last week Zachary our oldest sat in our bathroom while I cleaned up the hair on his neck and we talked about corsages, for the impending dance. Now that he is almost 16 our family has found some firm footing in the land of adolescence and I LOVE IT.

There are ups and downs, tears and prayers, but I am watching this child who will be a man soon become more and more self assured and at peace with himself and his place in the world every day.

This isn't just a shameless plug for our children (it is that), but it is also me wanting to take a step back and recognize this unique place that I am in life. The mother of sons, daughters, almost grown and just beginning to really grow. I have some last chances to hold the hearts of our babies and some first chances to really see a glimpse of who some of these children are growing to be. Today I will commit to listen more to stories about new birthday toys and the difficult stories of broken hearts and questions about the world we are in right now. I will recognize tears and pains of growing young adults and not take it personal. I will kiss hurt knees and teach new spelling list. I will watch as we struggle through college classes and teach my youngest child to read. I will stand amazed at the story of it all, this is my story today, changing and growing up with my babies....

In Response to the Prayer....The Lord of My Dreams at the Root of a Selfish Prayer

2009-04-19T21:08:00.004-05:00

This morning in our Bible Class...Sunday School Class, we spoke about the passages in Exodus that speak about knowing God. I said in my thoughts out loud in the same class that I now find myself praying "How do you want me to know You in this.....___________" fill in the blank.
Because I have seen in my on life that God is not as concerned with my finances, health, or happiness but more about how I know Him in all of these challenges and blessings. I am hard headed I learn more in a challenge so my prayer has been "How may I know you....where are you at....what do you want me to get from this?" and less "please take it away, heal them now, pay this bill." These prayers are not unselfish, I have come to see that God usually does the latter in some way or another, but that just asking for Him to show me His heart in these matters is much more comforting. I am selfish and I want to be comfortable, I like to know that God is near, since I have seen that trouble isn't going to go away and health is always a challenge....I just want Him near. That is not humble that is selfish.
I cry through these prayers, but I have learned that through these things are the most blessing...so really it is selfish of me...very selfish, because at the bottom of it all is I don't want to miss a blessing and when I learn through these painful things, I am then blessed to see God's hand and well, just WOW. It is all about Him, because I am more selfish than anyone, wanting it all for myself to be good and pleasant, I have only been able to see those things through the pain...and when I taste the pleasantness....it is sweet like honey and I long for more so I pray "Lord, put the things in my life which will draw me closer to you and take the things from my life which separate me from you."( This is a quoted prayer of a friend J.P.) one more time through tears....just to be near Him again....selfish I just want His hand for myself.
I am not humble, I ask God for an email or a fax or a finger of fire," just show me what I need to get from this ___________(fill in the blank), so I can be near to You." I am dependent and needy and so much so that only God, Jehovah, Lord Almighty can meet my needs.
Not praying for health, not praying for wealth isn't humble, it is the root of all selfishness....it is give me more of YOU....and I this other stuff won't be so big. We don't mind so much going through nearly anything if it is with the significant other of our dreams....That is what He is to me. I just want to be near to Him.

The Being Not Just the Doings of Me

2009-04-10T09:07:00.002-05:00

I do not write because I don't have anything to say, it is because I have so much to say and can not seem to sort it all out. I think in essay, long essays, short essay, joke writing, tear jerkers, I think in writing style. I have so much I want to get out, that is part of my story. I want to talk about being a mother. I need to talk about being a wife. I don't know how to talk about being a daughter. I miss talking about being a grand daughter, when I am not near home. I am not sure how to talk about being an employee. So many different spaces in my life that I can speak on and for the life of me, I can't get it down. I am all of these things and more.
Today I will sit in this space, this time in my life where I can be all of these roles and understand that they are all part of me.
The big picture me is not just my doings of these roles, but my being in this time. Today I will try more being. I can't do less, but I can be more aware of this time in my life and who I am while I move with an even pace through the day. I will breathe more, I will take longer breaths, I will speak less, I will move slower while doing, so that I have longer moments to take hold of who I am. Comprehending this is huge, monumental....I am not sure I ever will, but today, I will endeavor to begin breathing in the being and not just the doing of my identity.
This is my story today.

Finding Peace in the Moment During Un-Defined Changing Seasons

2009-03-10T11:47:00.002-05:00

I used to look forward to the days off, where I had nothing to do. I longed for long cozy days (code for staying in PJ-cozies). Now I am adjusting and appreciating long moments of free time with my kids, a few hours straight to read good books and review some math while washing laundry. As my babies are becoming pre-teens and teens I find that my greatest moments of peace are found when the family is being loud in one spot playing a game or working in the home. Quiet is no longer defined as nothing to do, but instead things to do together.
Today my story is one of deep gratitude for the ability to change with the seasons of life. As I find my footing in all the roles I am in-Mother of Teenagers so close to adult life, Mother of Pre-Teens genetically the same but so different and still so amazing, mother to an amazing spunky 8 year old who has found her way to second grade reading and math like a cheer leader in a nail biting game and finally Mommy of a pre-schooler for the last time in this season of my life, in just a few short months this last baby will begin Kindergarten in our homeschool, I am overwhelmed with feelings about that. I find craziness that in addition to being a momma I am a wife, a daughter with my mom living with us, an employee, a friend to amazing women of all sorts, a homeschool teacher. I like to dance and read and sleep, I enjoy rock and country, so many roles and I am finding rest and peace moving fluently from one to the other and enjoying the moment. No more are the long days in pajamas with a house full of small kids who only need stories and PB&J, now are the days of cheerleading, Honor Society, heart to heart talks, Choir, Camp, swimming parties, makeup, purses, drivers licenses and college choices. I find peace in the moments, each one I will embrace.
That is my story today, letting the seasons change in my life without resistance but instead with hope and a renewed energy.

Move, Change, Stay the Same....Doing It All

2009-02-28T22:12:00.003-06:00

In the coming weeks I will be doing it all....or at least all for me. I am a wife, mother, daughter, friend, Highland Church member, survivor, tutor most of all Christian....now I am a working mom.
Wow, that just takes my breath away. Of course I know that all moms are working moms, I work while I home-educate, co-owner/operator of Pike Remodeling, tutor, drive, work 8-12 days a month for Clinique...etc., etc.,etc , I have been a working momma since my oldest was born almost 16 years ago. This week I was asked to take a job, a regular part time, get out of the house with makeup and an ironed outfit job for more than my usual few days a month and (drum roll please), I accepted.
I don't know if we as moms can do it all....I am not ever sure I do all that I already have to do as well as I should have or could have. I often lay in bed at night, sometimes with tears recounting the ways that I should have done something differently. I know this, I am a woman with resources, a grown up making choices.....I will choose to be a success, to do my best, to take a chance and reach for some amazing goals, seeking to partner with my sweet husband in a new exciting way to give our kids opportunities. The best opportunity I want to give these kids is the opportunity to see me, their momma, move out of her comfort zone, believing in myself, supporting her dream to do something bigger in a new season. I will still homeschool, I will still tutor, I will still cook dinner, this week while working I still managed to love sick kids, I will continue to allow myself and my story to re-shape, move and change.....and stay the same.

So Much in One Time, One Space, One Place.....To Be Contained or Lived

2009-02-20T08:54:00.003-06:00

I will live today not worrying about what anyone thinks....I will not worry about what I think at every moment. In fact I will try not to think so much. Enjoying this coffee Maci just brought me may be the most thoughtful thing I do all day.
I will live loudly with the kids. I will not let the nagging names of the folks who I think about when my house isn't perfect, talk without answering in my head "go away....your thoughts are not my reality".
I will be sad when I need to,I feel tears so often in the last few weeks, I will let myself give in today, I will cry in the shower, maybe even loudly.
I will miss the people I need to miss, I will believe that the ones who are living really do miss me like they say they do.

Today, I will remind myself that it is never to late for a new successful life.
I, today need to remind myself that I can be all these things and feel all these things, sadness, anger, joy, hope, grief,anxiousness and still be of sound mind and sound body. That just because someone doesn't really get it, doesn't make me a fraud or a fake, it just means they don't get it and that is okay, for all concerned.

I will do unto me as I would have others do unto me or as I do unto others. I will show kindness, and peace, I will speak hope and encouragement and I will let some things go. I will change the standard if even for a moment.
Today I will be okay.
This is my story today, one of not getting it, not being able to hold on to all that is swirling at once. My story today seems to carry so much hope and so much grief, so much contentedness and so much of a need to move and change all at once, pain and peace, too many things that are so different in one time, one space, on spirit and body that I can hardly contain it all.
I don't think I can contain it all. I am not sure I want to contain it all.
I will move today in each part of this story, one step closer to the best we can be.

I Need a Moment and I Intend To Take it and Share It

2009-02-06T08:37:00.004-06:00

I have a handfulof people that I will be happy to grow up with and grow old with,they are the ones that I take a moment with. Primarily myself.
In so many ways I am painfully aware that I am still growing up...so much that I didn't know when I should have known, I was so busy surviving my life that I didn't learn it. I am learning so much today, growing up. Growing old just sounds comforting to me, hopeful, like somehow I will feel more comfortable in my space. I am quite sure there will be some uncomfortable moments, but the set moments will pull me through. Set moments?
Moments I set to think about and settle with what is going on, sometimes alone often with people I love. I have a set moment every Thursday night with my sweet Lauras (two of them). In God's true fashion they are nothing like me, but ohhhh, the sweet time we spend making since of it all.
Another set time I have is Sunday morning church, time to think about what is and has been in my life to put a frame around, with the promise to be nice to myself and leave it in that particular frame and back ground for a few days at a time, until I deal with it. I collect my children and get so many hugs and then.....I have hope.The friend I am most excited to grow old with is my sweet Donnie. He is amazing, and today in so many ways I am who I was created to be because of the way he loves me....that is important you know? The way we are loved, he loves me for the pain of it all and he brings out the joy when I can't find it. He reminds me of the mire and muck that was and helps me see the beauty today...he also knows the depth of my heart and lets me go there when I need to for a moment to frame it all up and breath.
I get moments with old friends, friends that have known me since I was a teen or younger, they see my my face in a way like most can't....I like my moments with them, they are mixed with a strange laughter and deep edge that reminds me we survived it all.
Finally, my moments with the ones who appreciate me, my family, my aunts, my grandparents, they know me, really get me and for me that is the best medicine for an aching heart. Sitting quietly in a room full of people you don't have to explain anything to, with peace even in the chaos of the storm.
These are the ways I take moments these crazy days of my story of a family with one man, one woman, 6 kids, a grandmother, 2 cats, one dog and multiplying fish.
I am going to take a moment.

Sometimes You Have To Choose Nice or Fair, but choosing Nice and not having Fair is STill better than Hell

2009-01-25T15:08:00.001-06:00

Teenagers.....just a shameless plug

2009-01-17T10:43:00.003-06:00

I have one son who is firmly in the world of teen age angst and one daughter who is on the front stoop. I love it. Love it, love it, love it. I am selfish for the reasons really and besides most of the time it is just fun. I complain and the bad moments are very, very, very bad, but they are also relatively few AND I believe that knowing what is ahead and not taking everything so personal will help with the coming kids. Having them talk to me about big things, important things, and sorting out their thoughts on family, friends and God our Creator has to be the most amazing thing. Knowing that in their brains they are making life long decisions and beginning to flesh those out both mortify me and excited me all at once. I was only 4years older than Zachary when I had Zachary. Being a young momma has had challenges that I can't put into words and one of those has been a lack of confidence. Today that is not where I am at. Today I am proud, so proud that I have great kids...Our kids have amazing friends, that my son refers to as 'his people', our daughter is working through the monumental task of balancing boundaries and not being a 'mean girl'. There world is one that I have unashamedly protected, but not naive. They are amazing. This doesn't hold any great wisdom no devotional moment, just me, a momma reflecting on being their momma. My Teen age years, not so great, not even safe for the most part. I had a few great friends who have found me into adult hood. I decided that our children would have the memories I wanted to make and do so many of the things that kids need to do. They are amazing and I am getting to do it along side of them.

Thanks Zachary and Sarah for being such amazing kids that make it a delight to be the momma of teenagers. Here are the years to come, you have been, so far, great job trainers.

The Science and Theory of Travel and Sight....Outside of Myself and the Rubbermaid Box

2009-01-08T09:25:00.004-06:00

Molecular Science and the Atomic Theory, Energy and Mass are all topics that are swirling around my mind and for that matter our conversations in our home this week. I am piecing together Chemistry, Nature Study, Creation, and Travel, while realizing that they are all connected, at least for me. As I reflect on the calling to travel, yes calling, I know that it is connected to my new found understanding of what is outside me and how it relates to changing me. The words are shifty and don't paint a great picture of what I know is true and will quite likely ruffle feathers in any theology, not just my on. We are connected to all this stuff outside of us and how we deal with it and what we do with the things we learn and see has the opportunity, at the very least, to change us. I do not want the space I take up in the world to not be worthy of the great awe I have for my Creator, God, and what His Son did on the Cross, in order that I may fully experience, to the nth degree His creation and the energy that He put in us to fully experience all that He has for us. The more outside of ourselves we go to see, to really see the things around us, the more we can see what He is doing in us.
Consider this excerpt from a little charm I found through Ambleside Online ( a free curriculum I am using for my daughter), it only highlights what I lay awake thinking about at night.....

So use your eyes and your intellect, your senses and your brains, and learn what God is trying to teach you continually by them. I do not mean that you must stop there, and learn nothing more. Anything but that.There are things which neither your senses nor your brains can tell you;and they are not only more glorious, but actually more true and more real than any things which you can see or touch. But you must begin at the beginning in order to end at the end, and sow the seed if you wish to gather the fruit. God has ordained that you, and every child which comes into the world, should begin by learning something of the world about him by his senses and his brain; and the better you learn what they can teach you, the more fit you will be to learn what they cannot teach you. The more you try now to understand _things_, the more you will be able hereafter to understand men, and That which is above men. You began to find out that truly Divine mystery, that you had a mother on earth,simply by lying soft and warm upon her bosom; and so (as Our Lord told the Jews of old) it is by watching the common natural things around you,and considering the lilies of the field, how they grow, that you will begin at least to learn that far Diviner mystery, that you have a Father in Heaven.
Taken From Madam How and Lady Why-Preface-Charles Kingsley (check it out if you have a chance)

Such simple Ah Ha moments, that is what I keep having, taking me out of the limits I have put on myself to think that this is all I can ever do. Realizing, that these are limits I have constrained myself to, and opening my eyes and seeing the world around me is another micro-movement to the goal of seeing the world I must travel to.
Finding that I don't and won't have to step out of my calling as God Servant, Wife and Mother, to reach these goals, but now understanding that the things I want to do and see, the person I want to be and the things I need to do are an extension to the call of who God has created me to be in my various roles. I will be a more intent God Servant, a more energetic attentive Wife, and find more compassion and grace and hope in my Mothering, by moving out of what I know into more of what I am called to, inside of these roles.
This is what I am thinking about today.
These are the places and thoughts that are becoming part of my story, part of my family's story.
I don't fully understand, but I must put movement on the thoughts.
I must 'Consider the Lillis of the Field' to understand what God really has for me.
I just want to go see more fields than the ones within my immediate surroundings.

Moving, Changing, Creating, Resolutions of a Wayward Time Me

2008-12-29T11:48:00.003-06:00

My hopes for the new year come fast and furious...I have resolved not to make a resolution.
But I will get my passport.
Not a big deal to some, but a huge step for me.
I want to travel, my heart leaps, I get butterflies in my tummy, and a lump in my throat when I think about seeing the world. I do not long for the tourist experience or extravagance. Instead, I hope for going to neighborhoods, villages, homes, grocery stories and hole in the wall diners in places I have never been. The world is big and I need to see it.
As it stands traveling in this way is out of my socioeconomic reach, but we must all take a first step to our dreams.
My first step is a passport.
My second step is a dollar in a jar....
Micro-movements, that is what I am aiming for.
I do not believe this is out of my reach, in fact, I can almost put the tip of my longest finger on it.

The first time we visited the ocean, just a few years ago, I could taste before my eyes hit it, then I could smell it and feel it in the air, finally I could hear it, ultimately seeing it. In fact we ran to it with clothes on in February air on Clearwater Beach, Florida.
That was a chance trip that took us to Tampa Bay where I drove up and down the beach side drive, while frantically making phone calls (in order to not turn around on a quick overnight business trip), finding money from any account I had. They were phone calls of a woman with a need....to see things bigger than herself, outside of herself, but still a part of me.
Now I know what a daydream is.

I can not explain the burning in me that says we, our family, is meant for more than what we are doing, or being where we are, but it is there.
This year I will fan the flame, I will allow myself to feel it burning in my heart.
I will not push this to the side for fear of not seeing it come to fruition, instead, I will expect it to happen, make plans for it to happen, make small movements in the direction of it happening and not be surprised when I am at a different door step of the world watching it happen.
This is about me, about a desire I can't explain.
This part of my story is part I am actually afraid of.
This part of my story comes from the same place in soul, my spirit, my mind that wants to drag out the paints and the sketch books and cameras.
This part of my life story is to be continued, but enjoyed more than imagined.
This is some crazy creative part of me that I am not used to or feel comfortable with so I must embrace this, not push it away.
My story in this way is selfish-all about me and how this will play out, but I know deep in my cells that it will change the story of our family, our home, this part of my story if I don't fear the creative, exploring, adventurous part of my heart to move, will move us to a better place.
I will answer this call in my heart this year.
I will get a passport in 2009.

Home At Midnight and Refreshed

2008-12-22T09:43:00.002-06:00

We didn't get home till Midnight.
That sentence alone makes me wonder what kind of Christmas miracle has come to pass in my life, that I Suzanne, the momma of 6 was okay with that.
We took all the children, to family friends, didn't eat till 9pm (so worth it, we were late getting there almost 8), played until 11:30, watched our husbands watch a stupid movie and didn't leave actually until Midnight.
Wow what a character stretch.
When all my babies were little in what seems like not so long ago we were all in cozies by 5:30, dinner eaten, heads washed, teeth brushed and ready for bedtime stories. I was tired.
I am still tired, but it is a different tired. I love watching my children late at night with family friends as we all navigate this crazy season of our lives.
It is the crazy that is our children are growing and we are changing, it is also the changing economy, family dynamics, gas prices, house sizes and pay checks. We are all in this together and so many of our stories are the same on the inside though looking so different on the outside.
There are some joys and struggles that it is nice to know that another mom and dad share.
The fact that so many wonder where Christmas gifts will come from and utilities will get paid is difficult, but lasagna with friends and a rowdy game of outside hide and seek in really cold weather makes it easier to bear and understand. AT midnight on the way home I realized that we are so much the same as generations before us, struggling to make ends meet, but not regretful about the families we have. Our family is not much the same as any other family we have around us, we have 6 kids, sometimes we are loud, the kids don't always match, our faith isn't in a box....but there is this family who has also stepped back and seen having 6 children a blessing (crazy I know), not having money for any of them, eating lots of cheap food....and on this night, last night sharing.
We got home at midnight and I was refreshed.

Old Friends Still Growing Up Together

2008-12-15T10:01:00.005-06:00

Above-Laughing till I cried
Below-Momma Cain Toasting her Oldest Son

Bubba's Youth being Buried

Below-Bubba in his glittery Homecoming Sash

Below-
Sammi and Johnna

Above: Sammi Cain- The Love of Bubba's life and an old/new
friend I have grown to cherish as a homeschool co heart and teller of tales
from a shared long distance past.

Below:
Our Sweet Bubba Cain 22 years after our first encounter
When he was still the oldest kid in the crowd and I was in
9th and 10th grade.

I have some old friends...not old in age (maybe), but old in years known....22 years to be exact in this case. We are now spending time together....at 40th birthday parties. We laughed until we cried, we told old stories and a bunch of women with grown up bodies....stretch marks, tummies that are not as flat as years before, and a confidence that is more different than ever, danced until we were sore (which was a lot sooner than when we were 16 years old). We were all wrapping up by midnight instead of getting ready to leave for the after party.
It was all just as it should be.
I am grateful for my old friends, they knew me in my freshman year when I was gawky and in trouble.
My old friends knew me when my story was young and yes, painful.
They didn't know the pain then, but these friends were my people, I found something in them and now I have the rare opportunity of saying thanks.
Thank you old friends for being the crowd that wasn't what most thought of us, but instead kind long movies, late Saturday nights full of laughter, tears through the breakups, hope through our young marriages, giggles till we cried at 40th birthdays.
Thanks for being the kids that I got in trouble with, found hope in and now fuss about my kids to.
I didn't know that I missed you, until you found me, I didn't know that I needed you until you showed up and NOW is really the best times of our growing up together ever.

Life is Perfect...Stand Don't Sit..Find it Don't Wait on How You Feel

2008-12-10T11:38:00.002-06:00

YES! I sit SQUARELY in the seat of a perfect life.
The children fight, I have late readers, a tired husband, a checkbook in the red, a dirty house, a very sick mother, a past with a badly dressed reputation, some old addictions, bad choices, angry voices, too much therapy, a once bad marriage (sometimes tough marriage)....but life is perfect, my life is perfect. I am embracing all of that. It makes me who I am. There is no sarcasm in my saying my life is perfect....one would understand if you really knew what it could of been.
It could have been lonely, illegitimate children, still a woman of bad reputation, drug use, depression....constant loss.
Everyday, however I gain....hope perspective, love, encouragement.
Everyday I see grace, God's and other's for me, a sweet husband, growing children that I am learning to parent and love better, my mom is a surprise joy to every morning in my home, our home, it is a perfect life.
I do not stand ashamed at this or wondering if it is okay to say it, but instead thankful...
God has and will redeemed the years the locust stole....He has, He is, He will continue to.
This is our story.....good, bad, in different, it is my perfect story.
I am Cinderella, in a messy house, with lots of messy kids, with a life that doesn't always line up to the story books, but it is my story, and I LOVE it and embrace it and wouldn't trade it.
Find perfection in your life today, you are loved with an Everlasting PERFECT love.
It doesn't matter if your house or husband or wife or children or car or checkbook or, or, or, or.....anything feels perfect...WE ALL are loved with a PERFECT love and that is where I find identity, hope and breath, every breath that I think I can't take next can be taken in that thought.
Stand in that Christmas Light, that Perfect Life, HIS Perfect Love in YOU, ME....your messy family and Stand don't Sit in that
Christmas LIFE and Light.

I Will Believe the Truth Not the Lie, It Really is Close to Perfect

2008-11-26T08:41:00.003-06:00

I have had shaking down of my spirit in the last few days, this happens every so often and at the end I am as tired as if I ran a marathon (I think, I will never run a marathon). In my life it has become important to recognize when I am not expected to do something, when it is okay to just walk away, even if I was wrong. I have been wrong and I have been wronged, I have sought forgiveness where I could and been straightforward with myself and my Lord and I will protect the very spirit with in me. So many times it isn't people but that fear and insecurity deep within us that we fight and argue and wrestle with. For today I will not wrestle, I will rest. I will rest in some truths.....
I am not who I was,
My husband loves me more than ever,
Our children are a blessing,
Our home is a gift,
My mom is a pleasant surprise to my days,
I really do have a dang near perfect family (and I don't have to feel guilty about that),
I will see my grandparents in 24 hours and this evening my aunts and cousins will wrap their arms around me and say "welcome home".
My pain is not unbearable and I am loved by the great I AM.
As I type those truths the voices in my head and the voices on the phone and the voices on the tv and the voices from my past and the voices from my present..and, and, and.... melt away.
These are my truths, my truths of today and yesterday is no more, I don't need to explain or live in it, I have forgiven and been forgiven, but I do not have to say yes to the pain runnning over me again in a reminder of all the ways I have failed and done wrong.
Today I am doing right....
Loving the man of my dreams,
Feeding truth and rice with sugar to the children God has given me,
Seeking peace with my mother,
Seeing God out of that Rubbermaid Box I had Him in (you know the clear kind you can see through, but the top pinches your hands when you try to pry it open),
Believing the truths not the lies about myself.

I feel the tears in my throat and at the same time my strong spirit rise up in me and say "On this day I will be okay."
I will not wrestle with lies, I will rest in truth.

Stories of Hospitality -Straight from Candy Season, Into I Bought So Many Groceries Season, Sliding Into How Will I Afford This Season

2008-11-22T13:20:00.007-06:00

I will repost this....it is important to me. We have had our annual Thanksgiving with the Pikes (minus a few), we have traveled towards hope and comfort in Chicagoland and now we are putting up our tree.....but this is my heart even this year. I decided to share it again

It has been quite sometime since I posted a recipe....
Today I will share how to prepare for fun and Chaos in the Pike house.
This Sunday we will host 28 people including 15 children in our home, our relatively small, but blessed home....there will be tables in bedrooms, the living room and the school room. There will be fun in every room.
There are multiple steps in our recipe for fun....
First we started last night -FRIDAY
2 pans of cornbread dressing
1 pan of corn casserole
8lbs of sausage balls
Kix 106 (our local country music station)
Dancing with Husband in the kitchen
Sing with the kid
Chop Celery
Chop Onion
Boil Chicken Livers
Budweiser and few laughs that we are going to pull this off
Toss the worry about what the sisters-in-laws think, this isn't for them right....it is for the kids, they don't care what sort of house we play and pray in.

Second-Sleep in till 10am Saturday, let the kids play, wash Laundry with lots of Fabric Softener it makes the house smell yummy.
French Toast
Day old French Bread
Nutmeg
Cinnamon
Pumpkin Pie Spice Coffee (to drink while cooking)-I just add the spice to my filter while brewing
My favorite Pampered Chef Skillet
1/2 dozen egg
6 Hungry kids and one grateful grandmother

Sunday-We are prepared and I will pray......

Memories for my children in our home as a family are more important than I think most know.
You only know how important that is if you haven't had it and so I will sacrifice my pride, have my children's heart filled with recipes of love, joy, and laughter and fill this home with people to the brim, so that each of them will remember that momma put her time where her mouth is.
We are called to love one another, to be hospitable, I think Jesus must have been fun and I just know he would have loved this kind of fun and chaos with all the kids and one momma who will commit to not worrying just for one day what others think and loving, living, laughing and maybe even a little dancing.
Enjoy the recipe....
Take a stretch out of your comfort zone and have some fun, for the family's sake.

My Education of Henry Adams, America and My Very On Shack

2008-11-11T16:25:00.002-06:00

I have been quite the reader. Reading is what has kept me sane for season of my life. We are currently reading through The Shack again, with the children and I have just begun The Education of Henry Adams by Henry Adams . I will maintain a level of integrity here with my readers by letting you all know that I am just barely through the Introduction of 'Henry Adams'.

I have asked myself of the children "Can we begin a legacy of excellence in government, society, and power at this time and place in history?" a big question that I have explored before. I am not even sure if it is important or something to be aspired to, but my question, none the less. The future is after all in their hands, the children we are raising to be adults....The Future is In Their Hands. Quite Frankly, this is daunting.

In the Education of Henry Adams or at least the intro., I am reacquainted with an age old pattern, a history greatness. That is the story of Henry Adams, his family was a founding family with many important figure heads of history, but he considered himself a failure in many ways and even asked that his book not be published until after death, his death.

Adams was more a writer of History rather than a History Maker.

What will our children be and how will they find that and can they find that in relationship....big picture Relationship?

Relationships are the root of my life, painful though that mostly is, it is what it is. Reading this after The Shack, all about relationship and seeing Adams' relationship to history, but merely relating history not making it, I am left with another question.

What is our relationship to our children's ability to make history, either because of our relationship or in spite of our relationships with them?

Recently we have seen a man elected to be our very next History Maker, our President of this United States of America. There is much to be said of his relationships, their is one that is strikingly obvious to me. His lack of relationship with positional power in government, society or money as a child...at least none that is glaringly obvious from my tiny bit of research. The relationships we do know about as an adult have certainly formed him and we have heard much of this and they will quite possibly be history makers and tellers, as well. But....which is better.....

A place in history where you can become an incredible somebody, history maker, President of the United States , even if you come from a family of no one important, no known variables?

(this sounds appealing to me, it is where my children are coming from)

or a place in History where Children who become adults who become a Somebody, are taught, trained, groomed if you will to do the job by previous History Makers not History Watchers.

My children wouldn't qualify, but maybe I would be more comfortable....in relationship to my on needs and desires.

I am not making a political statement, I am not talking about the vote, I am asking a question that I am uncomfortable with.

Would I rather have the opportunity of newness or the security of understood points?

Are these either/or questions and are they static answers?

I don't know.

I will keep reading, maybe I am raising a History Maker(s), if so will I be pleased?

Special Needs are Called Special for the Reason, Tis The Season for Special Care

2008-10-28T10:45:00.003-05:00

Tis' the season for Chaos. As the Holidays approach starting first with Candy Season, moving into Food Season and full Force into 'oh how are we going to afford this?' Season, I am encouraged to remember why I love these times so much and how I can make them special for our children, especially for our Special Needs children....isn't that special.
In our home there are some needs that I have been reminded of again this week, as the first on-slaught of chaos sets in with Fall Festival parties, Trunk-or-Treats and a family party coming up Friday.
I know that we all get overwhelmed with the sites, sounds, busyness, and just general fun for all, but there is a sub-set of little people in our home that find it nearly painful. For these children this is both fun and potential disasters for themselves and all the work we do through out the year to get them through the days.
On any given day we navigate meals with special needs, a few days a week we navigate them with a 'lunch room' type setting that so many are familiar with, but what most home educated children never really deal with, add in the sensory over load of our special needs and I am painfully aware that because these precious gifts of ours don't 'look' different and do a fantastic job of appearing to only have 'active personalities' it is easy to see them only as discipline issues on any given day and even easier to exclude.
In order for our Family to have a successful holiday season, bringing glory to God I will have to figure out, and re-work a plan (because the same plan has to be tweaked every year with developmental changes), to show my children the face of our Lord in all of the Chaos with out some complete meltdowns.
God is in this, He hasn't been caught by surprise not one time in all these years and God is in us. The Lord's sweet Spirit must reign supreme in me as a parent and in our children as we go the curvy roads of loving each other through both a fun season and in many ways a dreaded season.
It isn't PC to say we don't like this season in wide Christian circles, because it seems a slight to our Lord, but God....He knows I love Him, even when I navigate the crazies.
Special Needs are just that Special.
Everyone has challenges, some of us are just given more in your face sort of work to do with challenges.
Holidays are hard for a lot of people for a lot of reasons.
That will be discussed more fully in the coming weeks.
Today remember the mom or dad in the pew next to you, the homeschool family you share a field trip with or a few classes taught together, the class room mom in your on private or public school that looks a little overwhelmed as she has another talk with the very busy son or daughter of hers remind yourself looking typical.....just that looking.
In the coming months as you have family dinners and trips through the airports or your family is at a large church function watching from the outside in a child who seems to be out of control...even though they look normal, all special needs aren't obvious, but most parents are aware and doing the best they can.
Roll up your sleeves, as I tell my children, and get in there, getting your hands dirty with the Love of Jesus. Be patient, speak quietly, fix an extra plate at the pot-luck for one of the kids or better yet for the mom or dad. Offer to find a quiet activity or book and a cozy corner....love them.
Let's remind ourselves often in the coming months to be on the look out, a secret mission to find these families and really get in there and give them what so many never get, a sweet glance, knowing smile and a hand, without advice or judgment, just way to get through their holiDAYS.
For many of us these are just the days you see our special needs, but every day is a special day in our homes and class rooms, with special needs called Special for a reason.
Lets remind our selves with all sorts of friends and families the Reasons for the Special Season(s).

Terrified but Okay and Moving with Change Even if I Can't Neatly List It

2008-10-24T11:01:00.002-05:00

I hate change. I like constancy, predictability, for years I didn't buy things that were on sale that I would love to have, because I know I couldn't get them if they weren't on sale and that wouldn't be a habit and predictability that I could keep on my grocery list. I want to do the same thing at the same place every day and every week. I am content with an hour by hour schedule of where to be teaching, what to be teaching, grocery shopping, churching, and praying. I am most content when I have a cleaning schedule and everyone does exactly what needs to be done. None of this is a reality for me. Very few things outside of a couple of classes and church happen the same time every week, much less every day. I certainly have not been able to conquer keeping a home with 6 kids and now 3 adults in the order that seems to make all the little pieces inside of me fitting very carefully. What is a girl to do?
For many years I justified this weirdness with the, "it's what the kids need, it's what is best," line. Yes schedule is good, routine even better, mean momma because everything is not clocking in and out on time like it should, dysfunction. I see this, I know this, I am getting better. Is it to late. Will the children see this as just another system ( a system that will probably relapse often)? Will they buy into the work that God is doing in me? With prayer, I believe they will. I will seek forgiveness (I must do this often), I will pray through the tyranny of the changes moving in me as I accept the not perfect home that looks so different than almost every one I know, what with the curtained off dining room and small kitchen and re-arranged appliances in the dining room.
I will be forced to deal with what drives me to the frustration of over managing.
Did I say that out loud. I have tried for quite some time to micro-manage my way out of internal chaos and frustration and hurt....there is never enough management. I will heal on the heels of change.
I will embrace this new season, I will believe that it will not make me crazy.
Change is painful, change is scary, change is good.
Seasons change and it works for the Creator, this change thing. I will embrace the change in me.
I will not hold myself to a standard that I can't keep, believing I am a failure because others have been able to keep it.
I will be both terrified and OKAY.
Embrace being afraid and mobilized at the same time today.
Will you?
Let me know.

More on That Relationship Later in my Thoughts Through the Word and that Dog gone book

2008-10-21T10:36:00.004-05:00

Relationship....it really is all about relationship. If you have read this blog for any time at all it is obvious that for me it is All about Relationship. I have finished The Shack and now am reading it out loud with the entire family a bit at a time. It is important to me that the children get as much input as possible to understand Relationship with our Lord and Forgiveness of our sins...and others. As I read it again I see things I missed, scrambling my thoughts, my Bible...finding more answers about this God of relationship....moving Him out of the box. Seeing Him, seeing me...through His words to me.
I am grappling. I continue to go back to the word of God, my sweet husband..and, and, and.....get the picture? Grappling without getting the firm grasp. I wonder to myself and sometimes aloud if I will ever get it. I can not grasp how far back current struggles go in the story of my life, the story of our family's life, the story of my parent's lives....my aunts and uncles. I saw the story at my uncles funeral as I watched my aunts and mother from behind the pew in a funeral home. I see the story in my sweet grandparents and read the regular emails and notes of hope.
The stories change the way I move, the way I think. The stories change the relationships I value AND the ones I don't want to value, but must.
These are my thoughts, fragmented as they may be. Relationships are there good, bad, hurtful, hopeful...we have them all. These are our stories, my story. How will I weigh that in my minutes?

The Shack by William P. Young

2008-10-16T14:58:00.006-05:00

I am reading The Shack By William P. Young
With out giving away the plot I am to a point where the main character is called to judge, something I do often and he is asked.....

This quote is shaking me (as are many parts of this book) causing me to ask questions, not new questions, but to ask them out loud.

He wrote:
"And what about the man who preys upon innocent little girls? What about him, Mackenzie? Is that man guilty. Should he be judged?"

"Yes!" screamed Mack. "Damn him to hell!"

"Is he to blame for your loss?"

"Yes!"

"What about his father, the man who twisted his son into a terror, what about him?"

"Yes, him too!"

"How far back do we go Mackenzie? The legacy of brokenness goes all the way back to Adam, what about him? But why stop there? What about God? God started this whole thing. Is God to blame?" (160-161)

This is a place I have been at often in recent seasons and days of my life. How far back?

I have talked about the stories of my Aunts, my grandparents...to some extent my parents.

How far back. I am learning the story the brokenness in more ways than I like has brought me to this point. Am I pointing a finger at God? What are my feelings, do they matter? Who is to blame, who should I judge, how should I judge? Without the judgement is there healing? Am I to blame for wanting to judge. Where and how does God our God reconcile with this?

Before you become alarmed that I am turning my face on our Lord rest in the fact that this is not the case. Rather, I wonder have I ever really faced our God or have I just imagined the face of God in a way that I am comfortable with concerning this blame, this judgement, this pain that I have wrestled with. That is more likely the case. I am more comfortable with this, but none the less burdened and often hurting. If God's will is that I not carry a heavy yolk or an unsteady burden, can this actually be God that I have been 'seeing' or is it only an idea I am comfortable with and a real relationship and peace isn't so much within my grasp(because lets face it I have no grasp on any of this at all), but instead waiting for me to acknowledge God for who He really is?

Who is He really?

Really Lord who are you?

Lord, who do you want to be in me?

Who do you want me to be through you and not through me?

Where are you really in my story...really?

Only you Lord have the answers....Only you.

Standing Knee Deep in a Storm, A Reminder

2008-10-13T23:37:00.003-05:00

I remember pain tonight. I have been reminded. Pain of loss and question when all that you think is one thing becomes quite another. Pain of realizing you have allowed your self to believe a lie about your life, the ones you have hurt or been hurt by and it all comes crumbling, crashing like waves one after the other into you so that it is easy to forget that the depth is only to your knees, as the pain is sucked in like salty sea water. Grasping for ways to end the pain, quickly, with harsh tones, hushed silent treatments, desperate prayers while it gurgles in your throat the pain. Calm. Calm is what has come after torrents of pain in my life. That weird calm that tells me,"just do the next thing next, Suzanne, breathe."
Lighting candles and sending up prayers, washing the dishes and putting kids to nap, going to church and crying during lunch, making to many phone call and turning the phone off.....pain has driven me to do insane things that didn't make any since then or now, then I would breath.
My life is different now, not as much pain, I am not having new pain come at me constantly....anymore. I am reminded of the causes of past pain often. I have given up on being rid of the residual pain it is much like the joint pain in my knees and hands, I breathe and find ways around it, different things work at different times.
I must remind myself often that the pain I feel, the lump in my throat, the urgency to fix....it is not about now, but more about then and more....way back then or is it way back when?
There is nothing I can fix about the pain or the lump in my throat (does that ever go away?). I must just realize that I am only in knee deep water and that the waves aren't so high I am not able to wade in the water and continue to enjoy the sites and sounds of the ocean.....life.
Now, I know warning signs of choppy water, unsafe seas, I see the red and yellow flags go up and I get out of the water. The storms still come, I am still often tossed and I still get choked up a bit. I am not afraid of drowning.
Not today, I will never say never, I have faced too many unexpected, uncontrollable storms, to say never.
Today I am okay the pain is okay, I will feel it, I will remember it, I will grieve it, I will NOT drown in it.

The Family 'It", Getting 'it' and Having Just Enough Everyday of "IT"

2008-10-09T11:34:00.003-05:00

Women...
I have 8 aunts, 4 Holton family and 4 Walker family, my father and my mother. They are different. I fit with some....
Yesterday, I sat behind four of my aunts at a funeral, 4 women, the last living siblings in this family, both of the sons have died.
I have 4 daughters and two sons, interesting how my life as been similar....in that.
I had so many rushing thoughts as I sat behind them. I don't have siblings that I really know and none that I grew up with or around. I don't know what it would be like to loose a brother or a sister in this context. As I sat there it was a rush of emotion, a rush that I wish somehow I fit, I fit comfortably with this family, they are nice enough and I have cousins that seem to fit quite comfortably. This is after all the family that I was raised around for the majority of my life ( I only spent summer with the other side of my family). For many years my aunts (and now deceased grandmother walker) treated me like a princess, we talked of the times where I was dressed up and trotted around the Goldsmiths store, I remember special times. I have memories with my cousins, but as adults, well I fell from grace. There are lots of reasons...
I am sure they have forgotten, but I realized yesterday as I was there laughing with my head thrown back and my high heels then kicked off, all of our young children circling around us, I long to fit, but I don't know if I ever will again. I have forgiven for some recent pains and hurts, forgiveness for things that were never admitted, but only talked "about", but the wounds are there and I am sad that like my children I can't just hop back on the bicycle or slide back in roller blades or climb a tree, even with a fresh scab and keep playing nice. I am playing nice and I do love them, but the pain was deep and hard. I wanted to tell them, I wanted to shout it to them (not at them), but now at nearly 4o I realize, they would not hear, or understand....they only saw from behind their on personal, perceived correct points of view how things happened how I fell from grace and then maybe some even took credit (rather than giving it fully to the Lord), when my sweet life turned around. There is certainly something difficult about wanting to both fit and turn away and never look back at the same time. The lump in my throat even this morning is a reminder that needing family that just can't understand is probably one of the hardest hurdles of my short life. I want 'it'....I will explore what that is later, but I do I am guessing they do love me, but maybe just don't understand why I can't see how right they are, about the things they did. It cost me, I have counted the cost and they were high on every front from the check book to the heart.

I don't know.

I hate that, but I don't know, how to work through this pain, so instead, I will home educate, fix lunch, smile for my kiddos and rest in the fact that there are those that get me....and that will be enough today. Always, just enough, but sometimes I want more, just the way I want it, when I want it.
I want those who get it, who give me 'it' close, I need them close.
Lord draw near to me.

Singing the Blues and Having a Ball In Memphis at Our Home

2008-10-03T09:45:00.005-05:00

Washing dishes, wiping faces, shaking sand out of a four year old, writing reports....last night I dropped off my oldest at Choir, worked out for 30 minutes then came home and fried up some potatoes for my momma and husband. These are the days of my life. If I am out past midnight I am afraid to loose my glass slipper and have my coach turn into a pumpkin. I experienced just that last Saturday night.

I had the chance of the season here in Memphis...I went to the Memphis Blues Ball. My very dear friend Laura had the opportunity to do a cake for Jerry Lee Lewis that evening and with it came to tickets to the ball. So I donned myself in a borrowed gown, borrowed shoes, borrowed jewelery and a fresh pair of shaved legs, finished serving beans and rice to the kids and off we went to the ball. I sat within arms length of Lisa Marie, saw our mayors, and watched people work to impress. I spend most of my days keeping little people and teenagers happy (which is a pretty tough crowd), however I must say on this night, I showed up and had a blast and left knowing I had the right calling, just a mom and wife.

I have to admit to occasionally perusing the pages of our local RSVP magazine looking at all the pretty faces and thinking about the glamorous life these folks must have, all the fun of knowing the who's who of Memphis, and yes of having MONEY. Friends, it was fun, but my goodness, it looked down right painful for some of these citizens. The last thing I thought about during the evening was how that is not Memphis (even though that is what the folks all there said it was). I was speaking to a young lady who was from Atlanta (raised by her nanny she said), currently living in NYC and how she really found her roots there that night. Honey those aren't your roots that is playing pretend. The roots of Memphis are found a few blocks and miles away in homes just like mine. In homes like mine from Frayser to Orange Mound and Tipton County-McNairy County we are the roots of the south, cooking dinner (yes blackeyed peas and cornbread, turnip greens with bacon and pepper sauce, fried chicken and mashed potatoes with gravy), with our children under us or running around the street with other kids. In our house you would be hearing KIX 106 or the new KIM FM with a twist of Veggie Tales tunes. In the real south here in our home you will still find Sweet Tea and Budweiser, struggling to make ends meet and grateful to go to bed every night with my husband who is working 17 hour days to make end meets. In the real Memphis there are very few black tie events if any, but instead sweat pants events with the kids in the front yard with our neighbors just breathing a sigh of relief to get through another Friday.

Think about what your hometown really is.....after it steps out of the pages of some magazine and be grateful for THAT town.

We Weave our On Web with a Chin Up

2008-09-25T15:44:00.002-05:00

I have a child who is discontent and believes we are all out to get her. This is not true of course we all love and adore her, we all waited expectantly for her arrival and watched her for all the years of her life in delight. She is a middle child....sort of. I see a lot of myself in her, I am an only child, she wants to be an only child. I say all that to say that the following words are from Charlotte's Web and it was Zachary's idea that we all learn the lyrics and sing it to her often.
Enjoy, and 'chin up'.

Chin Up
Chin up, chin upEverybody loves a happy faceWear it, share itIt'll brighten up the darkest placeTwinkle, sparkleLet a little sunshine inYou'll be on the right sideLooking at the bright sideUp with your chinny chin chinChin up, Chin upPut a little laughter in your eyesBrave it, save itEven though you're feeling otherwiseRise up, wise upMake a little smile beginYou'll be happy heartedOnce you get it startedUp with your chinny chin chin!Chin downYou can't come frowningTurn aroundStarting, clowningThink sad, your troubles doubleThink glad, they burst like bubblesChin up, chin upEvery little time your spirits wiltChin up, chin upGive your attitude in upward tiltTwinkle, sparkleMake a little fun beginYou'll be on the right sideLooking at the bright sideUp with your chinny chinChin up!

My Answer to Nosiness and Mean Girls, Building Roads

2008-09-14T11:34:00.005-05:00

My Sweet Husband and Youngest Son......Building Roads

Okay, here it is the big news to a nosey question, by a person who didn't really care, just seeking to hurt and cause a stumble.....it almost worked."What exactly is your family doing these days?" I can't mimic the tone or the body posture...of wanting pain or struggle in my answer, to justify the gossip or meanness...

For just a minute I went back to that struggling, sad, can't satisfy the checklist Christian. The season where life was ugly and the people were even uglier and then at that moment I remembered....I am loved with an everlasting love, I don't need the approval of men(or women), how others feel or what they believe about the redemption of our home and family doesn't matter. The lies, the gossip, the pain....washed away by the blood of the Lamb. For just a moment I wanted their approval of my home, my income, my children...I wanted them to know how life had changed, lest I forget, God is my redeemer and I will let HIM stand in the gap....Lord help me remember this.

Everyone ready for the answer

Spending time building roads to the future for our family, educating our children, loving the Lord and serving in a local church.

Wordless Wednesday-Friends

2008-09-10T13:12:00.003-05:00

Friends, They Like Me...They Really Like Me, Maybe

2008-09-10T12:24:00.004-05:00

I have had a lack of inspiration, but today is the day to write.
I have friends, new friends, old friends, friends I trust, friends that sort of don't trust, but I still call them friends. My sweet Donnie is my best friend. Friends are important. I wrote at one point that I was a relationship person with out many 'girlfriends'. There have been seasons in our life where people were not available or willing or able to be friends in the true since, what with all the chaos and pain of a struggling marriage, special needs kids dealing with behaviour issues or the fact we didn't live inside the correct sort of box with the right border ( I am so glad border is out of style). There were people who didn't feel comfortable with us sharing our hearts or our struggles, that made us too real. The end result was we quit trusting and discovered many other people just like us. I became good at surface relationships and even didn't mind them, mostly.
Just like always, God got a hold of me. He kept bringing me people who endeavored to care about our family whether we wanted it or not. Our children are relationship people and the Lord continued to bring great families to us through them.
Today, I have an inner circle again, people I believe that God has given me and maybe even me to them (that would be a stretch to believe, really).
People who love what they know of us.
It would be a lie if I said that I am absolutely sure that if they 'really' knew me, they would leave, the same way they came. That is for another day.
Today, I am grateful what this circle of people know hasn't run them off yet. I will hold out hope for the future of these friendships, I will guard my heart, but take a step forward.
Today, will move out of my comfort zone and show a weakness. I am not always quick witted and sure of myself. So often I am concerned or even afraid of not being liked, but today, I will believe that at least a few of these people really do 'like me'.
They like me, they really like me. Even Movie stars are surprised with who likes them sometimes.

Marissa in Rawanda, Mission Trips with History Lessons

2008-08-29T16:00:00.002-05:00

I just checked out the blog of a sweet, sweet young lady who served as a Youth Intern at our church. She is now serving the Lord in a faraway land. As I read what she had to read I sat stunned at what a difference one of us can make, if we know. Sometimes knowing the injustice or the pain, or the___________fill in the blank is all it takes to get us on our feet.
As I read about the injustices and the death, I wonder what can I do from here. I have some ideas, but it is limited:
Buy things from the communities in pain (ideas on http://www.marissainrwanda.blogspot.com/ )

Teach our children...I was told just yesterday that we can not be innocent and wise, I am moving that around my spirit, but I do believe it to be true, mostly. Teach them them about the pain and loss in communities near you, encourage them to read excellent literature and works by those who have suffered in our nation and those abroad, read biographies and autobiographies about others. Tell them about tough history, painful history, even if it is personal....Holocaust, Rwanda, Darfur, Civil Rights in the US, Apparteit, sadly we have many choices.

Choose to serve outside of our homes, with a plan, put on the calender regularly.

Go places that you think might not be safe and hug a kid or take someone to dinner.

I am sad today, about things happening in the world that I don't know how to help.
Being sad is ok.
Maybe being sad is best and if not we should wonder why.

Answers, Ideas, and Teenagers Knowing It All

2008-08-26T23:37:00.003-05:00

I want a new checklist, that doesn't change from child to child or for that matter from day to day. We have some hard and fast rules in our family. We also have some guidelines that we pray continually over, seeking to protect the purity of our children's hearts and integrity and like it or not, those guidelines and what we allow are often dealt with based on the people (besides our children) involved. This is difficult at best, I ask for God's grace, often in successive moments. As a momma of one teenager and 5 up and coming teenagers, I now realize I don't know it all. What I know today is that I want the best for these kids. That my ideas have changed would be an understatement. When we found out that Zachary was going to be, it was the night that Clinton was elected....the first time. I was far more liberal AND at the ripe old age of 19, I had the entire plan for the coming 21 years completely set out. Fifteen years later, during one of the nights of the Democratic National Convention, I am far more conservative and I am trying to plan out tomorrow and how I will answer the questions, the big questions of the big kids, because I don't have all the answers anymore.

Movement, Just Enough Still, in Curtain Forts

2008-08-26T08:20:00.003-05:00

My sweet mother, Marner, Rachel, mom....is moving in with us and for those of you that have actually seen my home you are now saying, "huh?", but God is good. I need to say that a lot lately, that is a side note.
I worked for years to get away from my mother, was out of the home on and off through out adolescence and on my on young, pretty independent even younger. Our experiences were those of two people surviving pain together and independently often at the hands of the same people/person. We did....survive, but not without scarring and deep bruises to our spirits. For the last few years God has graciously begun to redeem our relationship, to heal our hearts and to give me a heart of forgiveness and hope. My mom is not well, she has struggled with lung and ear issues for years and while surviving the first 50 years of her life in addition she worked, alone, to provide for me, during a season. Pain doesn't disappear and hurt has not been allowed to be covered with me in the most recent past, I have been forced to deal with it. I am grateful. The dealing with it and continuing to deal with it has put our family in the position, to once again defy the odds of the American Dream and re-shape the family, to how God intends it to be. So here in our small 1500 sq. ft. home, where I have said it is more like camping ....hot and sticky and you never sure what you are going to eat, we have put up curtains and made a room, moved kids around, mopped a floor and started transferring my moms life directly into ours, to make a new ours. DJ proclaimed upon looking at the twins new room "wowee, a biggest tent ever." We have always let the kids enjoy building sheet tents in the house, I guess this will be an extension of the Great Adventure of always Having and Being just enough....with tent/forts in the dining room.
Pictures will come
Just enough space.
Just enough time.
Just enough of me....to get us by.
Always Just Enough of Him.

Panic and the Stories We Tell Ourselves, Truth AND Consequences

2008-08-21T08:46:00.004-05:00

If people really know who I am, the experiences I have endured, enjoyed or ultimately allowed to shape me they will not like me or accept me. If people really know the stories this life carries, the real stories, the ones that keep me up at night and that others fear, they will send me packing.
This is what I tell myself, this is sometimes what I believe.
I was an open book, now I am guarded book.
Sure I tell you my stories, some of them, with color and tone and hope....but you don't get the details. You don't need them, really, not in this forum, besides.....you wouldn't like me.....right?
We all have a story.
My story today IS....we are looking to join our local church we have been at for over 3 years. I am told we are loved, accepted and wanted. I say to myself, you don't know my story. Me the talker, the teller on my self, had a small panic, okay a large panic upon the announcement that we would meet with some of the elders and place membership. Mortified, I decided my husband shouldn't be such a leader after all. This all followed my sweet twin girls being baptized 2 weeks ago, surrounded by this family of friends who said they really love us. Surrounded by relationship I realize(d), I still worry.
I don't have any deep thoughts on this, know answer in the conclusion. I am just putting it out there. I believe somewhere in me that you may be fine with the conclusion of my story thus far, and even good with the sketchy details, but goodness forbid you ever need the details and you will (not maybe, but will) change your mind. It has happened you know!?.
This are my thoughts and this is my story today....no conclusion.

Just Another Day In Paradise, with more GRACE

2008-08-18T18:53:00.002-05:00

It is Monday. We have *deep breath*.....we have-----------
gone to Classical Conversations, looked for and found Daddy's keys, finished math, science, started presentations, worked on bible memory, played hide and seek, cooked supper, eaten supper, and checked teenager's text messages, logged into face book, survived a few seizures and and another day with a broken armed 10 year old, and listened to the children. Whew!!! I am tired, I am happy, I am tired. It is the good tired the kind where you take a deep breath and a sigh of relief AND a thought of gratitude and sleep well.
We have lived in routine/schedule mode for years,this year we have grace. I mean we have always had grace, but gosh, now I am more aware of it and giving it to the children. Amazingly, the more available I make grace to my babies, the better they do and the less I feel like they need grace. Did any of that make since? Learning to positively parent is a new thing, well not exactly...I have wanted to be more positive always, but now instead of looking for an almighty book, or checklist, get this...... I am just treating them the way I want to be treated. Clear expectations, good re-enforcement, lots of re-direction, a smile, understandable consequences, lots of laughing and grace.
It has been a good day, I am tired, but it has been a great day.
A grace filled day.
We all need grace.

Taking Care-Big Brothers and Baby Sisters

2008-08-15T09:53:00.003-05:00

We have experienced another broken arm this last week. Maci, fell off the edge of the pool she had been told not to walk on and broke the left arm in two places. Last summer it was my son Zachary who is the oldest and almost a man this summer compared to last summer.
Zachary and Maci(mackenzi) usually bicker more than any of the other children, but this week while navigating her pain, I watched as Zachary loved her...not with an "I love you", but with "I know....it hurts". He was gentle with her, he showed her grace, I became aware that he is becoming a man. Our sweet Miss Marie, neighbor, says to the girls all the time "you will be as big as me in a minute." It really is just a minute and they are as big and as grown. WE are all learning to relate more to shift the paradigm of having another adult type in our home. He is a leader, and becoming more teachable. He is growing up. I am a proud momma. My mother in law advised me very early on that I didn't want to raise good sons and daughters, but instead good husbands and wives. I am not sure what the Lord has for these kids but I believe that it has had very little to do with me. I am mostly mean and too loud, but God has shifted us. The seasons have changed and we are moving and growing. End result....I am not all good, God is all good, the children will survive me.
Thank God.

Too Cool For School-Including Sensory Work, Schedule, Memory Work

2008-08-12T19:25:00.000-05:00

(Warning Spelling Check not working and I am tired-publishing now by request)

The weather is so nice in Memphis, I wish we were on fall break and classes have barely begun. Our family, usually, takes extra time off in the fall after the hottest dog days of summer in July and August have been filled with school, before others returned....alas, we are in class.
Getting down to business for us means back to a routine of school work. I tend to be pretty precise with this, trying to build in wiggle room for fun, extra reading, sneaking off to journal or draw.
Here is ther run down for those of you who have expressed interest of 'how do you do all that with so many kids'. I want to say that until 3 years ago we did the basic and prayed for sleep. Only since we have had big helpers and some more self-sufficiency have I been brave enough to leave the house for classes. God is gracious and through lots of fun reading times, hands on projects, PBS, the History Channel and some creative field trips, our children have a vast knowledge of Science and History. We still depend on lots of reading for Science and History in the younger years where we have never used traditional text (they are so boring and easy to forget). I have enjoyed watching our children enjoy the process and not just the outcome.

7 am wake personal Bible and Copy work sensory work
Eat
8 am-Family Bible and assigned Bible work and memory
8:30-English Grammar and CC Memory Work
9:30 Spanish of various levels for all AND PHONICS for the little guys
10 am Latin Memory work and Latin Grammar for the oldest two sensory work
10:30-Vocabulary-Wordly Wise-Research skills-Study Skills building-Logic
11 am CC Memory Work
11:30 Science (Including Biology 9th grade, Physical Science 7th, Anatomy for the littles with fun Songs from CC and Lyrical Life Science 3) sensory work
Then free time till lunch at 12:30
1:00 Straighten and nap for youngest
1:30 Assigned Reading (historical fiction to go along with our current study of American History and American Lit.)
2:00 Prepare for CC presentations (credit for applicable subject) sensory work
2:30 Math (Algebra2, Pre-Algebra, 5th grade, 3rd grade, 2nd Grade, and numbers)
3:30 History/Geography-Time line Cards form Veritas, 5 states and capitals, The Light and the Glory 7th Grade, Notgrass American History 9th grade, The Light and Glory for Children)
4ish-Before supper chores and FREE TIME-Large Motor Skills
Before 6:30 Dinner

Evening Activities-Church, Choir, Homework, Free time, Website work, Free Reading- As little screens as possible to help keep from having issues with sleep.

In Our Home The Cookie Cutters Broke

2008-08-08T09:19:00.004-05:00

Who knew that my talking about discipline in our home would generate so much conversation. I am grateful for those that publicly commented and intrigued by the private comments. Please remember this is how we do it in our home. If I begin to tell you how to do it in your home that would make me no different than the theology that we were hurt by. It may work for some, but not this momma....I am just not nice enough naturally to not get angry when it doesn't work.
Over at Adventures in Mercy she wrote about the advice we can get online, without seeing the living out of this. There are so many families recovering from the same pain, because this is what we sought. That was dangerous for me, I got the advice and I ran with it, without first seeking the Word, my husband and the best interest of our family. I hurt people's hearts and I judged harshly, I didn't like me, because I was failing, constantly. I couldn't be loving or understanding of anyone else. I just wanted a list that is the OCD part of me, having a cookie cutter life would be a comfort to me....maybe. It wasn't so much that it was wrong *possibly*, its that it was wrong for us, or maybe being done for the wrong reasons....one may never know. The bottom line, this is IN OUR HOME....let me say it again In Our Home. The very same teaching for some has played out very differently In Their Home. God is good that way, we are not cookie cutter people. Today I am grateful for the walk out of what was legalism, in our home, the entire experience made me who I am today. This has changed the integrity of our family, the sanctity of our marriage and my relationship with the Lord. But for God's grace it could have swallowed me alive. This is how we do it In Our Home. As folks peruse through all I have to say, I know I am wordy and opinionated, don't make it a checklist for success in your home. Make your on life. For goodness gracious, if I had a check list for success, we would look more successful. Instead In Our Home, today, we just look like the Pikes...a family seeking God daily, hoping for a little more grace and hope on the journey, healing hearts and playing with babies....while trying to give a solid education. This is my story today, in our home.
What is your story today?

A New Idea....Grace not Legalism

2008-08-07T18:40:00.003-05:00

A very important part to our home education journey is the way we correct children and ourselves in this walk. I am a work in progress and when I started the parenting journey, I didn't have good sign post. I have always adored our children and have sought to give them a base in the Lord Jesus Christ, but I was angry. It seems like for years, I was angry, frustrated and feeling often like a failure. I accepted teaching that told me if I followed a certain *checklist* then we wouldn't have conflict, our children would be just want to obey, naturally, and that if this didn't happen.....you guessed it....us parents were doing something wrong. The result of this was someone had to be to blame, myself, my husband or our children. I was offered the advice that if I didn't do it 'this way', I would have unruley, hellions, that could never serve God fitly. Discipline was just part of the list every part of our lives was touched by the theology. Often I would blame Donnie, after all if would just read the dog gone books himself he would understand. Next I blamed myself, "I am a bad ungodly mother," I would say to myself. Finally, I would become increasingly loud, and unkind with our children, I was tired and discontented. Occasionally, I would get a glimpse of grace and would try to change, but I had been entrenched in the teachings. I had become legalistic. I was working my way to heaven, through my kitchen, my schedule, my discipline style....but I was mean.
Thank goodness for God's grace. I lost everything, I came to the bottom of myself and God was there waiting with a sweet face to gaze into and I saw hope. It has been a few years and I am re-learning. I am climbing out of the pit of legalism, we are becoming a new family. Now, I have a teenager and some up and coming teenagers in addition to my pre-schooler. It is hard, the undoing of pain, is hard work. Bitterness set in at some point and healing is having to happen. I cry out loud and out to God often, "help me, fix this!". He will, He is, He wants to. Kind words are healing to the bones, that is what the Proverbs say, I am believing it.
Healing to the bones, like salve to the heart. God is able, I am not, but God is. If you are stuck in pain and battle with your children, stop, look and listen, God may want to move you, release you, change you....it just may not be about the children.

Education in our home Part Two, Classical Converastions, Memory Work, Grammar Stage,God's Hand in Your HomeSchool, Classical Education

2008-08-06T14:34:00.005-05:00

Taking a deep breath and believing that home educators need to hear about this I have decided to share to the best of my ability what we will be starting on Monday, but what I have prepared for since late April, Classical Conversations.

Classical Conversations was introduced to me just over one year ago and I let it pass, it seemed out of reach for our family, something that I could not grasp or help our children accomplish...I was afraid of failure. I wish I had held on with both hands and taken this ride sooner.

Classical Conversations is an extension of the Classical Education that I have tried to implement in our home for over 10 years. With Classical Conversations I have the accountability and the resources to complement what we already study.

The particulars of our coming year are Classical Conversations Cycle Three are from God's hand to our family. God is so good, let me say it again GOD is so GOOD, all the time. As I began to evaluate the coming school year this last April, I knew that we would cover American History from Pre-K to Highschool Freshman. I knew that we would need to discipline ourselves to the memory work of Highschool History. God continually brought the Veritas Press materials before me and I even owned many of them. I became painfully aware that we need to improve on our English Grammar, Math Facts and Geography. I was only having minimal success in these areas. Our oldest daughter desired more challenging work and some more accountability to others. I prayed and woke in the middle of the night remembering an old conversation with Leah an acquaintance, now called friend. I prayed for confirmation, received it and in a glimpse had signed on not only for going to CC, but tutoring.....Classical Conversations Cycle 3, American History being the History offered in the cycle. God is Good.

Classical Conversations give the children and the parents the tools for memory work in English Grammar, Latin, Bible, History Sentences, Timeline Cards (Veritas Press), Art/Music,Math facts and definitions, and Geography. The Classical Conversations Guide adds to what a family is already doing, it is the punch to the Grammar Stage of learning (see link below to find out about that- http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=4964032397330282695&postID=9075835595637526092 ).

Our home education needs just that punch. I have prayed everyday for encouragement in this walk I started and to continue gaining strength where God needs me to serve in the program. God has given strength. I have been led to multiple blogs, while not all dedicated to Classical Conversations recently mentioning them.

God wants our home education journeys to succeed. Ask what you need, He will show you. Tell God where you struggle, His hand will become evident. God just like that.

How Our School Looks Part 1,Classical Education 101,Vocabulary, History, Latin, Spanish, Classical Conversations, English Grammar

2008-08-05T14:32:00.008-05:00

Yesterday, I tried to give you a picture of what our space looks like.
The next question I want to address is what do we do for school. This is not nearly as fun. But something I am asked to share often. I will do this in 3 or 4 parts ending with our routine and schedule. If there is something specific (as many have asked for this) you are not seeing, email me or better yet leave a comment I will see sooner.
Honestly, it would take so much time to say all we do in one post I have decided to talk about a few subjects at a time.
We have chosen to educate our children based on a Classical Model.
English please?
disclaimer- I realize this isn't by the book Classical Education, it is Pike Classical Education for the Homeschool at our home 101-
We teach history chronologically, we use original sources to teach history as much as possible, we integrate our Literature with our History and we write about what we are reading, we study Latin, memorize as much as possible in the early years,math facts are memorized and Advanced Math is pursued, finally (but not exhaustively) English Grammar is seen as a tool for effective communication.
Please remember this is a condensed version and many great....long books have been published about this.
A Classical Education in our home pre-supposes that children learn in stages so each child will study the same subjects on a different level for the most part, we spend much of our lower school (grammar)years memorizing, the dialectic stage(middle school, JR High, sometimes a bit earlier) we see the older kids start reasoning and understanding what they have memorized more than before and asking as many 'why' questions as they did at two years old, finally in the Rhetoric Stage (upperschool/highschool and beyond), the now young adults begin to communicate, present, and apply what they have memorized and understood, this is all fabulous to watch happen. At this point,I have multiple children spanning all the stages and I continue to learn from them...yes it is fun much of the time, sometimes I am just tired.
A very important part of Classically Educating a child is the study of Latin. Latin you say? Yes Latin, it prepares the children to understand the make up of English vocabulary as well as most other language an American Child would learn.
I can here most of you now (because I read your emails), "what do you actually use?"
Here is a list-
English from the Roots Up
Latin In The Christian Trivium
Rosetta Stone
Story of The World
Notgrass History
Institute for Excellence In Writing (IEW)
Our Mother Tongue
ABEKA English
Winston Grammar
Wordly Wise (vocabulary)
Classical Conversations which will be covered completely in Part two
This is just a short list of what we refer to, write in and use during the course of a week. Remember, that as the teacher I review and refer to probably 25 other books through out the year. I know that this seems boring, sometimes it is, sometimes it is not. I have developed all sorts of learning strategies to make this tolerable, even fun, for the children. If you have spent anytime at all around me you know that it would be hard to imagine our family sitting still long enough to absorb most of this, so we don't....sit still. Now because thinking about school starting back has made me tired, I must go swim.
In the near future you will see links to each of the books I list as well.

2008-08-04T19:24:00.002-05:00

Real Life

2008-08-04T09:20:00.003-05:00

I tell a lot about what is happening in my family, where I see God, and how I am raising our children. I want you to be able to picture the physical part of our life a bit so here is a run down to answer some recent questions.
We drink out of mason jars that start as spaghetti sauce jars that we bought from ALDI,there are never enough cups....I don't know the answer to that.
There are NEVER enough forks at our dinner table, the children loose them in there rooms even though no food is allowed, I have even found them in *gasp* the bathroom and under the couch, and in the dirt.
It is hot in my house in the summer, not because we are trying to be efficient but because we only have a few window units that only cool, what I believe is 12 square feet of the house.
Square footage- 1500 sq. ft. that is what we have and we live in a lower middle class neighborhood, that we love.
3 kids share one room and the baby shares with Zach, but never sleeps there so we took his bed down and he sleeps with us or one of his siblings, he has epilepsy and everyone likes it better that way.
It is hot in my house.
15 foot above ground pool that is cloudy most of the time and only green rarely these days....we still swim in it(not when it is green when it is cloudy) after all Sardis Lake didn't kill me.
A cluttered mess, for the record I am a clean freak, I like clean, I love clean, I used to be known for how many times a week I would bleach the kitchen and bathroom and kitchen, dust the blinds and organize our drawers....weekly. I got tired. I still want these things, but I am tired.
We have six kids, a recently deceased dog, a young cat, an old cat, and some fish (i think).
I am tired.
I love landscaped yards, mine is not.
We usually have grass that needs to be cut and the weed eater hasn't been started but once this year. I have what i like to call a flower bed in my back yard, it makes me happy. There is no rhyme or reason to my flower bed, it makes me happy.
The cabinets and fridge are completely emptied by the end of every week, not that we have just a few things..completely with exception usually of a can of corn, some sort of beans, and stale taco shells....we get creative when the money runs out before the week does and we have NEVER missed a meal.
We always have beef in the freezer, we buy it by the side, so we are definitely meat eaters.
We drink fresh milk and eat fresh eggs.
We fight fleas every summer (see note above about animals).
We almost always have someone elses children at our home.
Because of all the reasons listed above I am not at all sure why our children want other people in our home, or for that matter why they would want to come, but come they do. Just about every week a child comes, we argue over which movies we are allowed for, we improvise a meal or two, we try to get the pool less cloudy, turn the box fans on high and pray a blessing for them all. I think our home for most of them is sort of like camping, it is hot, sticky, and you never know what you are going to eat. Camping is fun. I love each of these children, that love us so much. When I have these kids around me, I am more of what I was created to be, I feel complete, I am grateful for parents that trust me with their most precious possessions. We have kids from all walks of life, big nice homes in big nice neighborhoods, friends from gated communities, friends from the same neighborhood, Baptist friends, Harding Friends,Home Educated friends, Public School Kids, kids with single moms, kids with dentist dads, kids with parents who fight and kids whose lives are mostly in a state of change , Catholic friends, and lost friends. Our children are sweet, they have created quite a peer group. We love them. I think it is mutual. I think that even when I am aggravated with our circumstances or surroundings, they just love us.
Thank you Lord for children who love our children and enjoy sharing our lives.
Thank you for the list that makes up our lives.

Pictures of Summer

2008-07-31T12:53:00.001-05:00

HOT HOT HOT

2008-07-31T12:44:00.002-05:00

I wish those were words that readily described my look not my feeling, it is hot, hot, hot, in the wonderful city of Memphis. As many well know that when it gets hot crime goes up, same can be said for my little people (and people who are bigger than me) in our home. We have bickering, and fussing and crying, oh my (think'lions and tigers and bears oh my!').
I made the announcement that we were going NO SCREENS, for those of you who are new to Pike culture, let me explain.
NO Screens-\anything with a screen is off limits,cell phone(texting),
tv, wii, ipod, Nintendo DS, computer....you get the idea.
I don't give a time limit, the limit is when I don't think you are having to much artificial input to give positive output I will slowly let you re-intoduce the little devices.
I require a level of quiet, I think most of the human race does, and I have a firm conviction that we have, too much input and no moving room for any anxiety or unexpected change because something is constantly 'on'.
I just can't be on all the time and I know that the kids need down time, too. No Screens is one of the ways we implement this. After the initial withdrawals, it is nice, even pleasant in our home again. We also slow down our speech and coming and goings, purposefully during this time.
This is just one of the ways we slow down and take time to really enjoy each other and at this season, teach the children about their and our limits.
Have you gotten quiet today?
What did you hear when you turned it all down?

Blog Roll

2008-07-26T21:39:00.002-05:00

Be not dismayed if you have formerly been on my blog roll and do not see your site listed, I am sorting things out and re-vamping a bit, you will re appear. The best way to make it re-appear is send me a comment with the link, so I don't have to go a huntin' for it.....thanks.

I have a few folks (Hi aunts) who have wanted to leave comments but haven't been able to...try it out now I have changed the settings....go to comments check the circle that says name or go to anonymous and just sign your name in the comment...ta da.....you have done it.
Go give it a try....NOW.....I love you.

I have added a few blogs on my roll that none of my friends will find surprising for me, but you may want to comment on the views that you read about or explore, by all means do so, talk about them, enjoy them and be kind, just like you all are to me.....play nice.
That is about it...now peruse and have fun.

Out of the Box

2008-07-26T20:50:00.003-05:00

Out of the Box....that was the summer theme for our children's department at church. I am a pro at out of a box. Sometimes I must admit I wish for a nice cozy box. A box that could define me. If I had this box, my answers to tough questions would come easily, the answer could always be,"because my box says so." I have no box. The family I was born into doesn't fit into a box, with the exception of my mother (who incidentally may move into the box where we will have to expand our idea of what even I thought was an out of the box experience) most recently my family pretty much closed the box. They don't agree with the way I decorate my box, with lots of children, a slim grocery budget, home education and the Church of Christ. My father's family more recently has helped me build an adult box, showing me again and again that their love for me and support of my dwellings decorations isn't at all dependent on how I am connected to them, but instead that God wanted me to be connected to them. My church family, has been supportive of our family, maybe in spite of my box, maybe because of my box, or out of curiosity of my box....I have never fit in what I thought was the church box. That is okay now, I don't have to misform my family, my children, or my sweet Donnie to fit in a box that wasn't made for us, all of us are different. I did a lot of searching through the Word and even more listening to others about what I thought God may have wanted in my box, I was looking for comfort, lines in the sand....Head covering, wheat grinding, skirt wearing, QF family, it was clear cut and without question, but it didn't fit and I did have to many questions (my husband had answers). I admire families with this AND peace, we were missing the peace, it wasn't our conviction, just me looking for a check list. Now, I love my Space. My Space is a less a box and more a way. I love the Lord, I am grateful for Jesus and I depend on the Spirit of God everyday in order to survive. IN our space, we laugh, we cry, we forgive....often. I do things I thought I would never find possible. In our space we sort things out with teenagers in a way I don't always know the steps to, we love our babies with a tough love I didn't want to embrace and I seek help out side my self. In our space you will occasionally hear swearing, share some boxed wine, but always say grace before dinner and MEAN it. In our space you will pray before you purchase and believe God cares about the occasional pair of flip flops and Grande Mocha Frappacinio with 2 extra shots to get this momma through a Monday morning at MUM. In this space you will find a husband and wife finding their way with out clear cut rules or lines in the sand. On Sunday's and Wednesday's (3 0r 4 other nights a week in the summer) one will fine us at Highland. On Monday and Tuesday mornings you can see us loving the inner city kids that live just a few miles from us and later on those very afternoons I am laying out in the sun with my kiddos, working on a tan listening to country music and being mostly grateful for our smallish city house on the other side of the tracks. Almost everyday you will hear us talk about our highs and lows, hash out seating in the van and the dinner table, talk to kids about their anger and attitudes, then praying. In this space, I will often cry of regret of the way I could have done it better, of grief from the people I miss or the pain of a past that wasn't always safe. In this space you will find people real, live people....living like so many other people, with out clear cut rules or ideas, shaping a new way, their on family way.
Our space can get better, we need to seek more peace and less movement.
I recognize this space with honor.
Honor your space and quit trying to fit in a box.

Back By Popular Demand

2008-07-19T11:48:00.002-05:00

Ok, I have had a request for some recent pictures of DJ.....so here he is by popular demand. He is the baby (still) so finding someone to take fun

pictures of him is never a problem....I included my photographers at the end of the pictures (maci and martha), so everyone would know who had all the fun with DJ.

He grows more everyday and when I look at him I can hardly believe it has only been 4 years since we had him. He is a constant reminder of God's great love. He came along when we needed him most (but didn't know it at the time). He has, in many ways kept our family attached to one another over his short life time. Often when I am tired with the big kid set, I don't want to sit down and have a quiet dinner with all of them, I remember that he and Maggie need what the older four have had. He keeps my teenagers and my pre-teens coming home for dinner (even if it is just because it is our rule). DJ makes Zachary smile when no one can and he reminds me that inside Zachary somewhere is the 4 year old that adored me. I am firmly set in the preparing to send them out camp with my older kids, but DJ keeps my life light and makes us giggle. Enjoy them all in all seasons.

Hot Memphis Summers

2008-07-16T15:58:00.006-05:00

Summer time Daddy 4 years ago

Baby DJ 2 years ago....
The little girls 3 years ago Martha and Maci picking at eachother and Maggie just watching the show (that hasn't changed)

Zachy and Andrew (friend) last year at camp, lip sync night

This summer with friends..... Sarah (12) and friend Morgan...

DJ faking out a summer time nap...and quick picture by big sister , bubble should say..."can I get popcicles for a nap?"

Summer love with Great Grandma 2005

Maggie Summer 2005- almost 5 yrs old

Summer 2005 Maci 7, DJ barely 1, Martha 7

Sweet Summer Time, that is where we are at. Laying in the pool, eating too much ice cream and the smell of bug spray mixed with sun screen, yummy.
I hated summers in Memphis, some of you may know that about me, until the recent years. Primarily, my summers were spent through out my life in Chicago with family and then I spent the school year in Memphis. The summers I did spend in Memphis didn't hold a yummy feeling, so when I started raising my kids I wondered how I would change that. I still spend a lot of time in the Chicago area most summers, but more recently I have done a few things to build great memories with my kids. Night time swims for the teenagers and pre-teens, late overnights, loud country music and request for a song on the radio, cooking out and homemade pasta salad bring me comfort now. Watching each one of my babies learn to swim, a tiny white butt slipping into bed after a long day in the sun, snuggling late with my babues and sleeping in make me happy. Getting a tan (after a long time without one because for many years I had all babies), taking long trips to Panama City Beach, Florida at least twice a year, sitting on the porch with my sweet Donnie and watching the kids catch lightning bugs, these are the moments that make me smile. The smell of a little boy who is more like a wet puppy and girls trying out a talent show in the front yard make me who I am these days. Who I am is mostly at peace. I learned peace in the summer 4 years ago when my world crashed. I had to make a decision, to ruin memories for my kids with my pain and current struggles or take a deep breath, pray, and play, I opted for the latter. It changed me. This summer I am in a place again where I wonder often how am I going to make it through change and dealing with some old hurts, but because I have these memories I breathe easier through each moment. I have traded some of my favorite music for my kid's stations, I have had to stay up late with the kids for midnight feedings again, only now it is pizza not nursing. I pray for them constantly not just for their health but their safety. Life has changed so much, but come back around in so many ways. Summer is a safe time, even a fun time for me now, making memories that are new, but so much like the ones I shared 20 years ago in Lombard, right here in Memphis.
Thanks kids. I can honor my past, and enjoy today.
Go thank your kids for the hope they bring today, and make a memory that is out of character.

She Paints

2008-07-09T09:42:00.002-05:00

Sweet Sarah Kay, Ra Ra, Sarah Now, little momma, what ever you call her she is the 12 year old that is my right hand in this house. She paints my life sweet....Last night I had a moment of "ahhhhhh", those are bitter sweet for me. Sarah painted Miss Marie's nails, our sweet resident grandmother who has watched all of my children grow from babies to what they are now. She helped welcome them into the world, she swings with them on the front swing, she band-aids there boo boos when momma can't or is to hard headed to think they need it. Miss Marie, catches kisses from Baby DJ in the front yard, cries over the lostness of our neighborhood while I rant about it. Miss Marie watched me loose to much weight when my life was scary, she hugged my neck and gave me hope. Miss Marie took my kids to VBS when I couldn't and didn't have the strength, she loves us as only a Miss Marie could. Sarah painted her nails. As I think about that I am happy and sad all at once. It makes me think of all that we have gained in the last few years and all that we have lost. There is part of me that doesn't want to be close...to anyone, they die, or go away. My children have buried two of the most important people in the universe to our family in there short lives.... I think often of the time I am missing with my on family because of the damn economy and gas prices and I wonder sometimes, maybe wrongly, are relationships that are bound by time and space worth it. Of course, I know the answer, yes, but I hate the pain of missing people. I miss a lot of people this year, I miss people I will never see again like Don and Martha, I have questions to ask and things I need to know, like how do I raise this teen-age son that is so much like his father. I want to know how Martha made that darn near perfect sweet tea. I want to know why they were taken when we needed them so much. I want to be near my Grandma and Grandpa who bring me comfort when nothing else can. I miss my husband who is gone 10 days at a time with a new job. Bound by space and time, bound by these bodies that get older and steal the ones we love. I am not sad all the way around. I am grateful, I am even hopeful. I have a generation of Godly kids coming up, in a world that needs them. But I wish the people who I love and need could see it more closely. Thank you Miss Marie for letting Sarah Kay paint your nails. We need you.
I need to paint more days with memories and hope.

Play Dough

2008-07-02T09:19:00.003-05:00

This week at MUM, we took some play dough (thanks S. Howell) among other things and so many children there haven't had much experience with play dough, another opportunity presented itself for these sweet kids. I must confess I don't do much play dough, sometimes we receive it as a gift, I get all OCD about the colors being mixed and the mess. I have even been gifted with the homemade stuff on a number of occasions by people I love, and that makes me sentimental to top and I just don't do good letting the kids enjoy it there way.

I hate a changed plan, last night I had the idea that I would see my sweet husband by 9pm until around 11 today....crazy I know, but just a little thought of mine. The darn need for sleep set in for him and he didn't arrive to our bedroom until almost 3 am. He is resting now and the children are eagerly anticipating the time with him for even an hour before he leaves again. My plans were changed. I think that God has me in a spot. He is teaching me, molding me (always), but I am like dried out play doh.....crumbly, I smell a little salty, and I keep getting stepped on in the carpet. I would rather be like pliable home made dough (like my aunt Barbara makes)....then I could be shaped and moved, I would be the perfect color (that I chose of course), and when I was done re-shaping I could go back to my old blob in a zip lock baggie and popped into the bottom drawer of the fridge. Lord, help me be pliable, to accept what you give me in every season. Help me to be a pleasant experience even when I don't feel like it, help me to shape to the time and space you have provided. Thank you Lord.

Prayer Request....Immediate

2008-06-27T12:02:00.001-05:00

Please each of you that stop by today go to
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/rachaelkligmann

and pray fervently for Rachael Kligmann today and her family of Corinne, Pete, and siblings (family of 12 with married siblings with children). As a community of believers their pain is great right now and they need or helping lifting their arms for strength. Thanks.

Password

2008-06-27T08:42:00.002-05:00

I remember tons of passwords, user names, account information, last log in, where the dirty socks got hidden, why is there a banana under the edge of that furniture, what will I do about the blender, what happen when I was 12....I remember a lot good and bad and some just mundane. I wonder sometimes how I remember it all, I often get overwhelmed with all that circles in my head in a day. Like today, I have to remember to go and pick up 4 of my kids in one place and the other two at another place...for 14 short hours I will have had time with just Donnie and now just all by myself. I don't remember how to do this, in fact I don't think I like it. I am the only one in the house I feel like crying, but I won't. My life has drastically changed in the last few years, weeks, DAYS. My lifestyle has been turned upside down, mostly for the better, but I am not sure of the Passwords for this new stuff. It doesn't come quick and easy like logging on to my email. I am unsure of my footing. Yesterday I was looking around, seeing people all around me, a few who even knew how my life would change this morning, weirdly, and just don't get it. I don't get it. I will find my routine, I will figure it out, we will all thrive and continue in gratitude for this change, probably more once we adjust. I think that God sometimes mixes things up a little for me. I have a tendency to get complacent, even lazy, I pray and read the bible, ask for a new day and He in all his wisdom, gives me this day. I experienced days much like this one a few years ago, the spirit of those days weren't joyful, or with gratitude, at least not initially. This day, season, came with a different set of circumstances and reasons. But learning something new always seems hard. I hate change. Change is inevitable in our lives. Even this, good change, hopeful change, feels too familiar and too different all at once. I feel like humming....
Seasons...turn, turn, turn....
Change is okay today, even if I do hate it.
What can you embrace that you don't enjoy today?

MUM is the Word

2008-06-16T13:35:00.002-05:00

MUM, Memphis Urban Missions, is the word this week in our family.
http://www.memphisurbanministry.com/summerdaycamp.html
Today, I had the awesome opportunity to drive a van full of 4-6 graders down town to the Downtown Church and help out at the Summer Day Camp. Our children, cozied up next to the Downtown Church kids, we played 'duck, duck, goose', sang songs, learned songs and learned about the Armor Of God, after that we did word puzzles. I was move to tears as I sat and was taught how to teach, again today, with a simple, sweet little boy, who needed help reading, and a hug. In the morning my teenagers will leave with our youth group from Highland Street and go down town for what they fondly call 'Power Hour', it is more like 4 hours. They will play games, do skits, serve food and eat lunch with kids with very different lives than them. On the way back to the meet up spot with a van full of kids, I was reminded by the Lord that the only difference between those children and our on is opportunity.....for education, safety, hope....JESUS. I have the awesome responsibility every day to teach my children, I often wonder, especially about my special needs kiddos, what would have happened if they fell through the cracks, how their lives would be different. Know more children through the cracks. That is a high hope, some may say an unattainable goal. It is the goal for every kid in my life. I want to fill their cracks. I want my on children to fill cracks with the solid mortar of the truth of Jesus Christ every day, in every life they come into contact with. God has been good to us, let's all be good back. Let us remember it isn't what we think it is the opportunities we have been offered....go offer some.

Housekeeping

2008-06-15T16:12:00.001-05:00

It has been pointed out by my sweet Grandma that I have some spelling errors...I would like to say I use to spell well, now I just spell wrong and use spell check...if it is a word, even the wrong one however, it doesn't catch it...oooops...Please forgive me. As I am teaching this year and writing I am going to be diligent in my spelling skills getting re-sharpened, after hanging out with a bunch of kids with little sleep for the last few years. ON the bright side, you all love me and know me and mostly how I speak so you can just guess....maybe I am testing you.

Inspired and Tired

2008-06-15T15:58:00.002-05:00

I am both tired and inspired. Here in the great city of Memphis, I just witnessed a miracle. Just over 300 teen age kids, paid money to come and work in over 90 degree heat, painting homes of low income families in a neighborhood who wants hope. I watched, my almost 15 year old son, rise early every morning, go and sweat. In our case, Zachary, raised money for Memphis Work camp, while raising money for a second mission trip to Atlanta. During Workcamp week, in our home, I would leave early to drop of Zach, return home and love on a few sick kids, leave to pick up Zachary, return back home, give Sarah a pep talk, return back to the church, prepare drinks and set up food for all of the kids and leaders, and finally serve food and clean up afterwards. I was blessed, I had more "thank you Mrs. Suzanne's" and "oh, that's just Zach's mom" than I can count. During the week my sweet Donnie was out of town working, one night I melted down, late after returning home a sweet lady married to one of our leaders, talked me down. We are the church, we are people, without a permanent location, we are tired and often underfunded, God is in us. Next week, my littles will attend VBS at another church (the church who loaned us a building this week for Workcamp), the week after that my 4 oldest will go to camp two hours away.....the summer is busy, and I am tired. God is moving in our family, in our church. For the record I have always hated summers in Memphis, staying here as an adult in the early adult years was tedious and upsetting to me. For most of my life I spent summers in the home of my Grandparent's a safe haven for the weary, just outside of Chicago. When I was all grown up facing Memphis summers meant dealing with some pain as well. I praise God today that I am not just tired of the Memphis heat and Memphis memories, I am inspired by what God can do with a willing, often exhausted momma of six. Thank you Lord, thank you for letting me pour your drinks, serve your food, love your children. Thank you.
For more information about Memphis Workcamp follow the link below. I promise I will have personal pictures soon.
http://www.memphisworkcamp.com/?view=home

good day

2008-06-02T17:01:00.002-05:00

It has been a good day...we joined the Y, went swimming with friends, saw more friends, came home, I layed out in the pool alone at home, while children napped, (deep breath) Martha sorted EVERYONE"S laundry from all the rooms and is helping catch us up from illness, the kids are happy....it has been a good day. I don't think most people care what we do everyday, I think they care how. I have talked about this before and received tons of private mail, but today I watched so much hard work pay off. Over the years I have trained the kids, just like a job, to help the whole family, even when you don't feel like it. Today, at the pool, everyone was getting hungry, my girls, all four of them, got everything neat, got themselves dressed and we headed out to the van with no chaos, baby in tow. Once at home, they made sandwiches and Martha set forth on the laundry, while I went to the back yard alone. I don't have exceptional kids(meaning anyones kids are able of course they are exceptional), I haven't been a great sweet, feel good parent, I have gotten a lot wrong, but along the way, we have helped each other even when we didn't feel like it. In the early, young, young years I wondered if it would ever be worth it as I felt like the queeny meany as I had my little ones doing things that no one else asked their children to do, as I often not so patiently had them RE-do a job...again. Today, I smiled, and realized that in spite of my on bad attitude and lazy spirit often, my kids are good, no great kids. Not because they are helpful, though they are, but because they put up with me, they smile at me when I am fussing and help ME, do my jobs better, they make me a better momma, a better person. I have 3 or so more kids that are on the little kid side, who some days may be the death of me, but then Donnie reminds me of the early years. The 5 under 7 then 6 under 10, when I thought it would never end...I saw no light, and didn't want to, I was tired. I miss those days, I know it is cliche, I thought I never would, some things were simpler. But all and all, these days, great days and I hope that I will cherish them even more, because now I know how fast seasons change in our home. The Pike Home, dirty laundry, stinky garbage, naked 4 year olds, more visits to the neurologist than I can count, I love all of it....all of it.... all of it....except maybe the smells.

I have come a long ways with these babies.
Take a look back and see how far you have come.

I Hate This

2008-05-26T16:18:00.002-05:00

I hate being sick, if I know someone has a stomach virus, strep throat, or goodness help us lice, I run....quickly. I didn't run quickly enough and we have 2 and counting (3 including me) fighting a stomach bug. What am I supposed to learn? hummmm....glad I am not pregnant with a stomach bug. Today what I learned is that the world of the Pike's will turn for at least two days with momma and 3 kids in bed. The children will eat (something), people will pull together and in a few short days it will be as if I never laid in bed begging to die a quick death with the fellow ill ones. We had a sleep over Friday (after a trip to the zoo), and I think that the combination of lack of sleep and a bug that seems to have hit families across the city we were bound to illness. Did I say how much I hate stomach bugs? Someday, my children will remember the sick days, they already have memories of the flu season, and strep, they aren't eewweeyy fun memories, but they do say that they remember cuddling and being loved on through the days. It is important to me that the kids feel loved, especially when they are sick, it is such a vulnerable time and everybody hates it. I know we will survive this and move on but today I hate it. I am glad however that we have each other. I am grateful for my Sweet Donnie, who gets up with icky kids when momma is already down for the count. I am grateful the well ones help out and I am bracing myself for the next round1/3 down 2/3rds to go....

Old and New

2008-05-19T10:07:00.003-05:00

I have friends, old friends. The friends aren't old, that would make me old, they are friends I have had for a long time, a life time. I saw one of the two friends I have had for most of my life this weekend...I was crazy happy. Crazy is relative in our home, remember? My friend, called and said she was coming in town and would stop by later, but would call first. She didn't call first. She marched right in and said she didn't call first because she knew I would do things to get ready. She is an old friend that knows me well. It is important and uneasy for me to have a friend that has seen it all and knows at least the sketchy details about every part of my life. It makes me vulnerable, she doesn't just read the stories, she was part of many of the stories or had a front row seat for some of the stories. During the hardest years of my life she was just a kid, like me, unaware. As adults she has come to know more. She has been their in my sadness, confusion, and grief. She has painted my walls, held my babies, and we were in each other's weddings. She is more my sister. A new thing I heard, that she said, my old friend gave me a new thought. She said she thought I was brave. She said tht out loud to one of the kids. I don't know if I ever knew that. Since the cradle she has known me and I didn't know she thought I was brave. I like that, I am honored. Brave isn't a word I would use to describe myself, maybe I do things that seem to require bravery, that is because I often don't think first of the risk...I just live, with all my heart. Maybe that is crazy not brave. I like Brave. She reminded me the last time that she was with me. My friend didn't say"you were really loosing it", she instead said "you were distraught," it was at daddy's funeral. When I was really loosing it a few years ago, she listened, maybe with question, but she never let me know. She brought our family cookies many years ago, some crispy and some soft, she is thoughtful like that. I named one of our daughters after her, I would be proud if she becomes a woman just like my friend. I looked at her daughter, I felt that I should look in the mirror and see myself 5 again, I was looking at my former playmate. Some of the places we spent time are torn down, others are unsafe. My friend still safe, always safe, just the way friends should be.
Find an old friend. Catch up, enjoy, they may need it, or maybe just enjoy it. Be encouraged.

How

2008-05-14T13:51:00.003-05:00

More often than asking us why we do what we do with our family, now a days we get asked how.
How did you get through 6 pregnancies? Well I only had 5 full term pregnancies (twins) and the way I got through them was thinking about what was to come....it wasn't easy as some would believe, I worried constantly at times( I dealt with miscarriages between most of my babies), I was sick, and mean. I would fall asleep while reading aloud the children, just because I had all the children didn't mean that being pregnant was easy, I chose to suffer is what some would say. How did you deliver them all? One at a time, some easy, some hard, some healthy, some not, some face up, most not, some after 3 days of pain, some after a few hours....one with an epidural the rest not. How do you keep up with the laundry? We don't, the kids help and they are great and getting better, but we have more fun things to do. How do you afford them, very carefully and with some things that others find important, we give up for what we find important like Florida and Chicago trips, but it hasn't always been this way....we have had to ask for help when they were all young (and never assume we won't again) and we learned that God uses other things besides just a job (though Jobs are important). How do you deal with what people say about you? People are mean some times and critical, Donnie laughs and I cry ( a lot), then I laugh. What about dishes? We kill dishwashers so I listen to children complain while they wash. What about food? It is expensive and occasionally we have slim weeks, but again priorities...I will buy Nutty Butty bars and do with out cheerios if the mood strikes me and not one of us have been proclaimed nutritionally unsound....sometimes we eat what we don't like(cabbage soup or egg sandwiches) and learn to like it till we have more money. I guess the big answer to how is this.....(DRUM ROLL PLEASE)..... I require life, I needed life, I wanted, longed for and believed that life would and could heal almost anything, that after many days of pain and upset, the lives of children, my children would change the world. This is how, this is how I fold more socks, use a credit card for groceries, buy a big ugly 12 passenger van that uses too much gas, stay in a neighborhood that isn't always great, because the life affirming hope that children offer to the world everyday is worth it. I don't and won't take living out loud everyday for granted. It is a must, I require it like air. I want more ever day and am never satisfied. I have 6 children who are being raised the same way, wanting more life. I wanted to have as many vibrant, sweet, hopeful spirits as God would give me to make up for the pain and the loss and the untrust. It happened. Even when I don't feel like it, life surrounds me. Not for everyone maybe, but just what was needed for this spirit of mine. I don't do it because it is easy, it isn't, I do it because my very soul required me to send hope to the universe and the hope I will send is the experience of life in our children. That is how.

Stains

2008-05-12T16:27:00.002-05:00

We deal with lots of stains in our house, stains on clothes, stains on carpets, stains on walls, stains on the inside of a cup. We have food stains, grass stains, blood stains, and more recently paint stains. There are stains that we, ourselves, the person whom something belongs to makes and stains on something that belongs to someone else. I have some stains that I have kept. Weirdly there is the outfit that Martha was wearing the day we did pre-op for heart surgery, with blood stains. I have kept this. It was important I didn't know if she would live. The very day that she was being taken care of for this I took her twin sister for her two week check up. I was told that it wasn't necessary, but I needed to. I needed to take care of a healthy baby, too. I locked my keys in the van, Maci spit up everywhere, the stain never came out of that onsie, it matched Martha's (the one with the blood stains) I kept it, too. I scrubbed a new paint stain out of Martha's dress that Maggie was wearing today, she didn't want to keep that stain, it wouldn't still match maci's dress if the stain stayed....I was successful and the dress is in the washer. Life has stains, life is messy. Some are stains we made and some of the stains of life were because of other people's mistakes and hurts. No matter how hard we work the stains of life sometimes just won't come out, but unlike clothing and carpet, life can't be replaced or thrown out. We must wear the stains of life. Some of our stains are out in the open. Some of the stains are like the ones that only show up in the fluorescent light they shine on your used clothes that are hoped to be sold at the used children's clothing sale. The stains show up brightly and someone says, "unacceptable, not like new, Take it back home. " That is how I feel sometimes. Most of the times I hide my stains, but then the bright lights come out. Someone talks about a holiday, a memory, a something I can't understand why it bothers me and my stains show. Sometimes the tears come, but never predictably so that I know when to exit. But, the tears never wash out the stains, tears are not spray and wash. Sometimes stains are like a comfy shirt or a pair of jeans that I love, that I paint in and won't get rid of. I love them, I take them out and where them often around the house, I cook and clean, I rock kids, wipe my hands and head to Kroger in them, they fit me and I am not ashamed of them, because when I look around Kroger there are people scattered everywhere with the same character of jeans....it is ok. My stains are ok. I can't wash them out, some of them may fade, but not disappear and for those who never wear stained clothes, who aren't okay with showing imperfections, well that is fine, too. But we all deal with stains.
These are my thoughts today.
What are yours? Be quiet with them and enjoy your stains.

Just a Mom

2008-05-11T13:33:00.002-05:00

I don't find myself predictably profound or witty. I am not highly educated, I only have a few semesters of college. I am not particular ignorant, but I am not anything extraordinary. During the time that I would have been going to college right after high school life happened (and I survived surprisingly to many), then Donnie happened and following Donnie, six blessings happened, they are my children. I am in every since of the words 'just a mom'. That is ok with me today, I am pleased. WE often are asked why we have such a big family, what were we thinking, how can you afford them, how will they go to college and when will you be able to retire? I don't know, I am unsure, we weren't thinking, and college and retirement will happen at some point. We didn't either one think about having this many children, but they are a blessing. WE trusted God, the universe, what ever you choose to say and for that we were blessed. We have had struggles that have been out in the open and in your face. WE have not lived a neat tidy politically correct life, we have been messy to have as friends or family. We have lost friends and family and frankly better for it. WE have gained friends and built new relationships with other family and better for it. Our children are blessings all of them, everyone of them, the healthy and unhealthy, the happy and unhappy, the toddler and the teenager, the whiny ones and the complacent ones, the children who learned to read easily and the ones who haven't all of them. I adore them. I feel sorry for those who don't adore their on children or see how great ours are. I pity those who think because of where we go to church or how we choose to educate that they are better than children. I am sad for those who don't call and enjoy their voices or stop by and see them because they may seem to talk fast or move a lot. I like fast talkers and busyness, I am grateful they can talk and run and touch things and oh yea.....breathe. There was a time, and admittedly many moments in my current days where I see myself as just an under appreciated overworked mom, but by and large I know that what I haven't been able to do or measure up to, God has done without any worry. The answers I have to the criticism or the hurt that children, mine and others get every day aren't always eloquent, but they are passionate and I do believe in what I do. What I do every day is whole hearted, hands dirty, swallowing my pride, saying I am sorry or asking for help when I need it parenting. I will engage myself in other people's messy parenting when a friend and hands are needed. I won't call a committe or wonder what someone can do to help themselves or advise them to quit having children, I will pledge to do what ever I can to never forget these days, the yesterdays and the ones to come. I will try to keep in mind marker on walls, critical care with a new born, messy beds, stomach virus, negative diagnosis, marriage struggles, and restoration. I promise to listen and not be afraid to share or show my inperfections. I won't clean my house before another mom comes over, no body needs to think I live like that every moment. Life is messy and I will share other folks mess, mine and theirs. Today I am just a mom, I am blessed, I am happy and I am proud. I wasn't prepared for the work, or the pain, I was least prepared for the attack on our character and our faith, but I am full of hope and ready to do what ever needs to be done. I may cry, I may fuss, I may laugh, I may cook, and clean or go back and get a degree....I may loose everything or get more than I ever imagined, but my husband made me a momma. He saw more than anyone else and knew I was up for the job of being a momma. I am just a mom, just a mom, just a mom, just a mom.. Move it around in your mouth, think about it, say it out loud and be proud. I am.
Happy Mother's Day

Laugh At Yourself.....I am already laughing at you

2008-05-07T14:15:00.002-05:00

"Laugh at yourself because I am probably already laughing at you," that is what a dear friend said to me this week. It is friends like this that keep me on my toes.....laughing. We all need friends who are not afraid to laugh at us and with us and we all need to be willing to be laughed at. Sometimes our life from the rest of the world's vantage point is just plain funny. I have know this for a while, but I am afraid that some people are still taken aback when I laugh at myself or them. You see, I just can't be serious about picking out new paint, the state of my checking account or the silly thing that came out of my child's mouth, when I remind myself how much God has redeemed me from and the life I was delivered from. I believe that pain gives us the later gift of laughter. Can I get an AMEN? I was recently confronted with a false accusation I can tell you that I laughed out loud? Well I did, I laughed out loud, because I have done so dern many things wrong, offensive and sinful in my short life that were so out loud and in your face that to be accused of doing something that so would take so much thought made me laugh. There has been a time in my life that I would have cried, manipulated or tried to change this persons mind about what they thought, but on this day I would have none of that. The word of God says to agree quickly with the enemy and that He (God) will be our justification and that he will contend with them (those who are trying to hurt you or trap you), it says so look for yourself in Psalms 35. If God wanted to save the life of David don't you think he cares if we are being falsely accused. You can laugh and find joy, that is the beauty of it, we don't have to take up arms or change anyone's mind. We don't have to manipulate or adjust a situation so that it will be in our favor, God is our favor. This doesn't mean that bad things won't happen, we are promised they will (more on that later, maybe), but we can laugh...ie-find joy even it. Think about that, don't be so serious, don't work so hard, don't care so much what others think, let them laugh and laugh at your self. Remember if you are a friend I may already be laughing at you.

More than I knew that I knew

2008-05-01T14:06:00.002-05:00

"Mommy, I knew more than I thought I would know when they were asking me how much I knew," that is the profound statement of the day, from one of my sweet children, after they were picked up from achievement tests. I don't know how this will all turn out, I am always surprised by test scores and what my kids know and where there challenges lie. Sometimes I am right on the money, but sometimes I am pleasantly surprised and they know more than I thought they would know when someone ask them what that know.......you get the idea. The important thing is this, they are confident and happy, they know more than they knew last year (in most cases), and are becoming their on personal best. As a rule we don't share with the children any of these scores, we have found that it will either give a false since of pride or a false since of insecurity or 'feeling dumb', so we only let them know where they did great or where they may need some improvement. Maybe other families have children whose character as been built up as such that they don't have issues that we have encountered, but alas this is how we do it in our home. Today, it was worth it, all this testing that I hate doing because as she so aptly put it upon entering our home, she knew more than she thought she would know when they asked her how much she knew....and that made her happy.
This is the way will measure success today.
Don't let the numbers get the best of you. Just know what you need to know, learn what the Lord wants you to learn when you realize you don't know it. Enjoy life.

success

2008-04-28T09:26:00.002-05:00

Success is measured in different ways in our home, I have learned. We have had children on every side of ability when it comes to cognitive skills at given ages. We have a few that learned to read early (really early) and one or two that were about age level and a few who have struggled. Along the way I have educated myself with a load of info about Asperger's Syndrome: http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/
Auditory Processing challenges , Sensory Integration issues, Epilepsy, all sort of neurological challenges....I didn't come into this race feeling adequately trained or prepared for what was set before me. I used to measure success by doing something before grade level, then I measured by grade level, today I measure in smiles, hope, a move forward (even if it was predicated with a few moves backwards). I measure with how well I am able to hold it together when I must review the same thing we reviewed every day for a few weeks, and then a moment, the child gets some glimmer of getting it and wha la SUCCESS....hope for tomorrow.
Moms I hope you don't get out a yard stick type chart and measure your children. We take test, we figure out what we need and we move on. In light of the upcoming achievement test, learn to look at all that is happening and measure only in the context of your on reality and HOPE. I have learned and continue to learn that this is not a sprint, it really is a marathon and I may appear behind the curve or ahead of the curve, but no one can call the true standings with out running in my shoes. Today, all of my kids are happy, playing in the mud, searching for bugs, loving on the little ones, some curled up reading books in quiet trees (the ones I wouldn't have expected to be able to do this just one year ago), today is already a success and we won't start what everyone else calls real school for another hour.
I love my life and I am happy where I am at.

Florida Living

2008-04-25T09:56:00.002-05:00

these are just shamelessly cute pictures for no good reason except to say.....

everyone should go on a trip to anywhere, even if it is just the park and watch carefully, look in their eyes, make memories on purpose and laugh, loud, hard, tears rolling out of your eyes, your belly hurts laugh. don't worry about how they look, or how you look, what you will have for lunch or if all the laundry is done. take a moment, drink in your family, let it fill your chest with pride, close your eyes, listen to the sounds, imprint them on your heart, in your spirit and never let it go.

go do this now, where you are....we are shaking daddy's birthday balloons, loving on our dog that we missed, smelling fresh laundry as it gets put away, letting mud squish through our toes as we put flowers in and thinking about burgers and a birthday celebration.

What memory are you making?

More Than Ever

2008-04-25T09:27:00.003-05:00

Our family has walked through so much for so many years that the last two years of calm has been welcome. When we first started this journey, I took for granted that everyone would understand where I came from and then later as we had more children, I took for granted that most would care about the things we were facing with our children. I was wrong. That, is okay. During the end of some great struggles and a time in our family where I was forced to decide what would be enough for me, I realized that God must always be enough. Honestly, I wondered 'does he really care that much?' I know, I know, the taboo question in the Christian walk, but I asked it, loudly, often, through tears, anger, frustration. I spent hours, weeks, and months wandering loudly through this walk and then quiet. QUIET....not fighting anymore, not moving against the tide of what was happening in our lives, not trying to manipulate the plan, just QUIET, STILLNESS. Only after I quit doing, did I feel real movement in my life. I woke up every morning and decided to just put one foot in front of the other, prayer, dishes, laundry, homeschooling, prayer, vacuuming, dusting, prayer....you get the picture. My life changed. This week while at the beach watching the waves, I remembered much of this. I realized that life had gotten a bit chaotic again and it was time to bring things down a notch, putting one foot in front of the other, not looking too far ahead, enjoying where we are in this walk. I made promises three years ago, just to try and take a new breath every moment, to survive and be kind for three years, that is all I wanted, one breath to the next. I wasn't sure sometimes if I would keep breathing. It was the one foot in front of the other, believing for miracles, but not manipulating them and breathing, staying alive. This has happened. All of it, the miracles, the hope, the healing, the restoration, the staying alive. I had forgotten about this promise and the day of the promised anniversary came near and I remembered, how big God is. Seeing the ocean, seeing my sweet Donnie, breathing deeply the sea air and not struggling wondering if I would take the next breath, I know that God is enough, God does care, and I will re-focus. This is a new season, no crisis, going sane, raising kids, one foot in front of the other, living in restoration and gratitude. I have big hopes for this season, hopes for further restoration in other relationships, hope for a deeper walk with the Lord, believing for my children's walks with the Lord to be embraced, hope for more than ever.

This is my hope.

What is yours

Energy Boost

2008-04-23T16:00:00.002-05:00

We just returned with a new shot of energy from our beach trip. Every time I see the ocean I am reminded of how small I am in this world and how little so many of the daily things we worry about really matter. I come back refreshed and ready to tackle the world along with a new respect for taking care of our space, more on that later. While we were gone life went on and Memphis never stopped moving, but for just a few days my world slowed down and I found a renewed peace. Thanks to each of you who sent well wishes, and questions of where I was and why I wasn't writing, it meant a lot to be missed. I will write tons more in the very near future about some of the things I thought about and saw while gone, but for now have a peaceful day.
These are my ramblings.
Now, go share yours.

Am I The Only One?

2008-04-14T09:52:00.003-05:00

I am the only one that does this....my kids have it really bad. Those are the words we say to ourselves so often. I sat with a group of women I love and have come to call family the last two years, moms, like me of big families. One private school family of high income, one homeschool family of average income, one family with most of their children out of or on their way away from home and college, and me, the one who never fits in a box. These ladies and I were all lamenting about running out of nice, yelling at the kids when a dessert falls apart on the way out the door, why are the shoes in the floor and am I the only one who raises my voice (as my 4 year old just spilled my coffee and I yelled at the girls that they aren't moving fast enough as I bellow "tooooweeellllllll"), puts their children down in a huff for bed or lays awake thinking there must be a better way. I know that sometimes I believe my children will feel or be something, because I did, but we DO NOT have the same story, so they do not filter these experiences the same way. I don't think I am the only one and I want to say that I know we (the moms) are not right, or fair, we don't have good reasons, but we aren't alone and our kids aren't going to be marred forever. Last night as I asked my kids to recall some things about what I thought was the worst time of our lives, they only vaguely remembered sketchy details. Wow, I didn't leave them undone for life. They do remember clearly the pain of loosing their grandparents and the grief during those times, but not the things I blamed on myself. My children instead recall me hugging on them through the long season of momma sleeping too much. My children remember me doing spelling practice during the few weeks they were in a neighborhood school that broke my heart. My children remember that things 'seemed sad', but that it all worked out and we are good today, so it must not have been so bad.
Today, I am grateful that Joel 2:25 says " I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten, the great locusts, and the young locusts, and the other locusts and the locust that swarm.” then He says I will repay for years the locust have eaten. " Praise be to God. This is happening in our life and I want to honor it, acknowledge it. The enemy has stolen so much from me, from conception all most, I came into this game with a loss, but God is gracious and prayer has prevailed and I can't even list all the ways He has kept his promises that I found during the long nights of mourning and pain of loss untold and unexplainable, but today there is years being repaid. My mother and I have been traveling a road of reconciliation, my husband and are happy, happy, joyful, at peace, my pain and hurt are honored but not controlling in my life and my children will be just fine. Thank you Lord.
This is where I am today, it could change, but my hope will be renewed again and again.
Go thank God for where you are today, no matter where that place is, even if it is the pits.

Going Sane

2008-04-10T13:53:00.003-05:00

That is the official thought about me and the changes and reactions that I am having to life, I am going sane. I am learning to live in calm, or relative calm, but I am not creating or seeking unhealthy chaos and I am now duly alarmed when it comes my way. I recognize unhealthy things for what they are, I actually smell the smoke before there is a blow up, because it isn't all normal to be nuts in my life anymore. I LOVE THIS.
My mom and I survived trauma in our home we lived together but were for all purposes surviving in the enemy camp for many years. I didn't recognize what most people consider alarming for years, because normal alarming was normal for me, it took reallllyy news making crazy for me to understand that we had stepped into nuts, and even then, I might have thought others lived the same way. I can't speak for my mom, but I am sure she used and equal amount of energy surviving and we didn't realize until it wasn't required anymore and then and only then did we go "wow, that was crazy" but for me it has taken almost 20 years on the other side to do that. I am going sane.
Maybe if you think you are going crazy, you will be able to realize that it is really life, cleverly disguised as HEALTHY.
Today I am grateful for
Planning a trip for fun with my family, my entire family including my momma to Florida next week...there is hope and healing
I am grateful for the ability to write and have someone, anyone listen, thanks
I am grateful for the trauma, today, maybe not tommorrow, but today, because I breathe deeper and laugh harder, and cry louder, it is nice
I am grateful for the inability to forgive on my on, it keeps me dependent on a God who can help me
I am grateful for normal crazy like school schedules, lunch dates, and rental car value saving plans, it is safe and I am happy
I am grateful my mom is safe and finding peace with her place in the family we have made for ourselves
I am grateful for a husband who comes home
I am grateful that my children are safe at night
I am grateful to be a two parent, one income, family
I am grateful for Highland Street Church of Christ and the open family I have there
I am grateful that I can feel however I want even angry or afraid or sad and I will be safe in the arms of my sweet Donnie.
This is what I am grateful for today.
What are you grateful for?
Write it down and share with someone.

Adventures of Summer(2007)

2008-04-09T12:57:00.000-05:00

I am posting this today....even though it happened last summer, we are headed out to this little piece/peace of heaven in just one short week.....

Today my four year old is singing "going to the beach, going to the beach, going to the beach next week" to a catchy tune I recognize but can't name. Kind of like people you see from highschool, but more on that later.
Recent Adventures
Laguna Beach, Florida A few seasons ago we decided that we wanted to study Marine Biology. This can be a challenging endeavor with children from the age of 14 down to three, but alas I decided I was up to it. The first step in this process was finding a good guide. I tend to be more of a do it momma than a be lectured to momma so textbooks are not usually my first choice. I was surprised to find…..http://www.jeanniefulbright.com/apologia.htmlSo, with that we began adventure. It wasn’t long into this small chapter of our Science Ed. did we realize we were going to be forced to go to the beach and discover this for ourselves. Our first trip was to the Tampa Bay/Clearwater area. We went in February so the weather wasn’t expected to be great. However, the family was blessed with 3 balmy days in the 7o’s. The bug had bitten. We all had the chance to really see the tide changing during the day, taste the salt water, and watch glorious sunsets over the water.With resolve we returned home to Memphis, studied for a few more months and in August we were off to Laguna Beach Florida. In laguna beach we saw a shark on the very first day just a few feet from us. We weren’t afraid, the memory of all of our study kicked in and Sarah Kay (6th grade) reminded us that we were more likely to be killed by a falling coconut than a shark, I must say that wasn’t much comfort with the shark in the water just a breath away from my children.The second day of our trip started with exploration. We found two great sandbars right there on the beautiful emerald coast of Florida. While wading out the children and daddy all found a quick sure step into the world of snorkeling. Treasure found included sand dollars (live ones),hermit crabs in the natural habitat (not the plastic habitats we are used to seeing) and hundreds of small (palm sized fish) that swam around our feet constantly. On the last day Donnie shared that the sand colored flat things swimming away when we kicked up sand were probably rays of some sort (glad he waited).On the third afternoon of our stay our cottage neighbors arrived with a few hundred pounds of Mahi-Mahi and Red Snapper. The language barrier was quickly crossed and all of us had a blast watching as the fish caught just off of the very coast we had been enjoying was prepared for dinner. We even saw one that was snatched by a shark on the way out of the water on the way to the boat (as evidenced by the remaining head). It was at this point I was decidedly set against seeing anymore sharks near our feet. The best part of the entire evening was being able to watch the sweet lady of these hungry fisherman cook up the fish, whole (with the eyeballs and all) with a dash of garlic and served with fresh lime and homemade Mexican rice. They then sent plate after plate of fish home with our greedy little hands. A blessing indeed.The pike family is studying birds next….watch out Audubon Society here we come.

POST NOTE- We never really got to the birds (we did go to an Audbon site and spent an entire day with the naturalist). We instead, studied Astronomy this year after a short science break.

We will be in the salt water in one short week.

On Purpose Peace

2008-04-08T19:15:00.004-05:00

Biology, Medieval History, American History, Algebra 2, Pre-Algebra, Physical Science, Long Division, Hooked on Phonics....Lions and Tigers and Bears oh my, Tuesdays and Thursdays, Mondays if you please, Classical Ballet and off to HiS Choir to sing.... these are things I am doing this week and preparing for...for NEXT year. Overwhelmed? Yes.

I simply never imagined my life like this, I didn't dare to imagine life very much before the kids and for the first 7 years of parenting I imagined sleep. I am my mother's only child, and I wasn't that interested anything growing up. I have 6 children who long to learn and be, actively be. Sometimes, I let my mind wander to a place where I can be somebody different, doing things that others see and say thanks and good job for what I have done, where someone reads inspirational things I have written or a short story I have stashed away. I imagine writing about my experiences in a way that will make a difference then I realize.....my experiences are making a difference. I try to remind myself (before yelling about the stinky van or the messy house or the cramps that I am having, yes I am human)the children and who they become will have been my greatest most valuable contribution to change in this world. If I pour myself into children and encourage them to be peaceful, hopeful, humans, it will not matter if I accomplish anything else. I will of course accomplish other things, but this will matter most for this season, that was my choice, is my choice, when I conceived them and every day there after, now that is radical pro-living, I don't imagine doctors, lawyers and such (though I wouldn't object), I imagine mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, adults who love their community actively, who know it is important to vote (even in the rain). I hope for children who will love what they do, no matter what it is, who will want to come home and eat meals together, who will have children that have hope. So, all the things I am doing, will not make or break us, really I just need to be aware, aware of their spirit, to encourage them to know all they do is important, even when it is wrong, every action makes a difference, it causes a ripple in the space they fill that will move the people around them in one way or another.

I am not prone to sending out peace, not without actively reminding myself, I am practiced at being a over-demanding, often cranky, loud momma.

Today(or in the morning since it is bedtime) I will be peaceful on purpose. Here's a thought, peaceful bedtime, may mean peaceful sleep, which in turn could lend itself to a peaceful day. I will let you know how it turns out.

These are my thoughts today.

What are yours?

Go share them with someone you love.

Unavoidable

2008-04-06T12:57:00.002-05:00

Hug them, hug them hard, hug them again. This week Zachary and I attended the funeral of a 33 yr old momma who Zachary received a ride from 4 out of 5 days a week in 7th grade and we are processing the idea that a small child we have prayed for over year went home to Jesus after a valiant battle against Leukemia, my children and children around the world prayed for this baby every day. I don't doubt God, I don't question Him anymore, I know that through our on experiences that the answers sometimes don't show themselves for years, decades, and some not at all until heaven, even when they come I usually don't understand them. I am however sad, and my body feels heavy. I am speaking in multiple forms of first person,but loss stinks for all. I have had to see too many little people, young children, babies, buried, it never gets easier. I find myself unable to absorb it, I hope I never can absorb it fully, that would leave my spirit dulled. Being close to death stinks there is no way to say it nicer. I am sick of it, we weren't made to die and so it hurts.
We have buried babies, mothers, fathers, friends, a papaw, a granny, miscarried children and ultimately history in the past 7 years. The pain is great, the mourning is often physically painful, I feel it hurt to my bones, in my bones, through my body. The Word say there may be sorrow in the night, but dancing in the morning.
COME MORNING COME....
I will write more later....I will try to put into words how I, my family, my children, my sweet husband have found peace in the midst of many storms, many losses, there is hope and peace. I feel this hope and peace even in present pain, my story, my spirit is like that, often mingled with so many polar opposite moments in the same breath.
Utter grief, new pain......Hope and Peace, gratitude even
I find myself grieving all over again with the ideas of you each today....grief is a process, ugh.
I miss you, each of you, who are not mentioned often enough in my words but more than anyone will know your names and memories are spoken in my spirit, in the deepest parts of me, that is where I hold you.
I don't want to forget your face and I worry that it has been so long since I heard your voice or that it will seem like you weren't important because I never heard you cry or laugh.....but I have to believe that these are unfounded fears, as I recall you, each of you this moment. Sometimes I believe that grief is the worst pain.
This is where I am today.
Share with someone where you are.

Just A Day at the Beach

2008-04-04T14:19:00.004-05:00

I decided as we ready to go to the beach to celebrate my sweet Donnie's 40th, I would share more pictures of my sweet family. We spent the day on lake Michigan off of Lundt where my aunt lives in Chicago, it was me and our 6 children, my Aunt Barbara and 2 of her 4 grandchildren (my cousins kids if you are keeping count), my Aunt Nadia who helped chase kids, build sand castles and tan, and my Aunt Marnie with her beautiful little girl Allie (my youngest cousin) again, 3 generations if you are keeping count, of strong spirited Holton women. Watch out Chicago. We had a blast.

Part of Who I Am

2008-04-04T14:10:00.008-05:00

I have spent many summers in a pose for the most recent picture....these are my children, my cousin children and MY youngest first cousin.....All that comes to mind is the promise of generational blessing to the obediant, thanks Grandma and Grandpa.

Happy Birthday Great Grandma, I shared birthday surprise most summers of my life in Chicago/Lombard

My Sarah taking MY place at the game table with Grandma Holton...

Our baby DJ with Great Grandpa who he always finds comfort with.

This the two and three year old set of great granchildren...
Ava (who belongs to Jeff), Jessie (who belongs to John), and DJ (who belongs to me, of course)

These are the people who help make me who I am....my family, all shapes, sizes and colors.
My grandmother turned 81 last summer. I was blessed to spend the week helping her celebrate with my children and my cousins children, my youngest first cousin, and my aunts, all people who make up the thread that holds me together with just the right mix of tension and tender touch. I spent every summer of my childhood in the backyard pictured. It is now filled to the brim with my very on children every summer. It was a safe place, a refuge. There in a few weeks I found hope and courage to make it through the rest of the year. Now as an adult, I take my children there, we share so many of the same traditons....listening to the birthday song as only my Grandparents and family can sing it...Bless oh Lord this food...squeals in the pool, grandpa in the garden, homemade fruit salad and multiple trips to the store for things that can probably be found in the chasms of the basement or freezer. I find myself surrounded by my cousins, my safety nets, my hope, my aunts who love me know matter what and I always cry when my Grandma hugs me the first time we lay eyes on eachother after a few long months.
This is who I am, all of me.

Usually, but not Always

2008-04-03T17:00:00.003-05:00

Usually, I have tops too low cut for the homeschool crowd, but not risque enough for the others, who ever they are.
Too, liberal for my conservative christian faith, but to conservative to be considered important enough to take serious.
Usually, I am not easily offended, but most of the time I don't let that mean I can't say the truth I have come to witness in my story.
Mostly, I am opinionated, but my opinions don't fit the box, any box.
I have friends from both sides of the tracks of politics, socio-economics and faith, I love them all and they love me, or at least encouraged. I am not sure where I fit.
My kids only like me every now and again, my husband likes me more every day, and I like myself enough to be happy when I wake up.
I go to bed in peace if I know that God and husband are pleased and blessed by life, in that order, (but I have found if I am pleasing my husband I know that God is pleased), that is another really conservative view....apparently.
Trauma changed me once for the worse, but now I am becoming more of my best every day in every part and every way.
The shape of my box has never been one that can be easily wrapped in any roll of paper.
I am ok with that, today.
This is where I am at today.
How about you? Now tell someone.

More on Seasons

2008-03-31T14:22:00.001-05:00

Our eyes are itchy, our clothes are tight, and momma is moody, all signs that seasons are changing. I am sad today, this seems to be the case a lot lately. My baby is 4. Now before anyone reminds me , yes I know that I have 6 kids, but my baby is 4 and the rest of them are growing up too quickly as well. I never remember being this teary eyed when going through clothes, but every outfit I am sifting through for all the children, even the oldest two are clearly teen and pre-teen which is to old to be silly about sentimental outfits, I get sad. I remember something cute they have said or a twirl they have done, the day we had the fuss with Zachary about one thing or another and all of those things are tied in with me through clothes (and music, but that is another blog all together). I love to see the babies, all six of them growing and changing, we are in a really different place with the younger set we have now,than we were with the first 4 at the same ages. It feels good, it feels sad, unfamiliar, constantly changing. I am not good with change, even good change, I suck at things changing and all the kids are changing, did I say I am no good at change, stop the CHANGE. Ok, now that I have that our of system I will go, fold clothes that are moving on to new homes, sweet little elmo sleepers that DJ learned (not with out a fight) how to put on himself last spring, and the last pair of jeans from the boys department that Zachy out grew before moving into the men's sizes, I will fold the dress that Sarah won't wear, even though it fits, because it makes her look like a baby 'moooommmm', I will sort through Marti and Maci's drawers only to find that the girls who never grew, who were so painstakingly tiny are growing into double digits in age and shorts size this spring, I will cry when see that Maggie will be the last girl to wear so many of the spring dresses that I have watched twirling and spinning and mending for the last 12 springs of having daughters, I will be sad, and that is okay. There is a new season of memories just around the corner.
This is my story, stories are important.
Share yours today.

What I Want

2008-03-26T16:41:00.003-05:00

I always want to surround myself with all sorts of people, different colored people, people of different sexual orientation, people with different incomes, people with different jobs, people of different education, I want to love, respect and give life affirming value to all of them. I want to surround myself with artist, writers, boring people, ignorant people and brilliant people. I want to surround myself with democrats, republicans and independents. I want to continue to take the way with more scenery even if it is the longer way with more of a chance of getting lost. I want to always appreciate a meal with organic milk and taco bell, chips a hoy cookies for breakfast and brown eggs for supper. I don't ever want to forget what it is like to take money out of savings to pay bills even when work is steady. I want to remember all the ways I have worshipped. I never want to be so far away from my pain that I can't recognize pain in someone else. I want world peace, but don't expect it. I want to be creative, compassionate, passionate, and firm, but bendable if needed. I want to know that I am valued and value others. I want others to want these things. I want somehow to be all these things at once and still deal with those who can't be or won't be.

This is what I want today.

Tell someone what you want.

On A Trip

2008-03-20T22:50:00.000-05:00

In the van with the kids, this is society in a box. Six kids, two adults and the power play, social skills, and learning opportunities are enough to wonder how the human race has survived for this many years. There must be a God who wants us in relationship for sure, because this is the place we learn in….family time, ie road trips, is not for the weary of heart.
As a kid I was so envious of the families who traveled, who laughed about the endless hours in their conversion vans. I did on rare occasion have the opportunity to ride along with my Aunt Barbara and her (4 later 6) sons. I remember fondly, every time I see my cousin Jeff(y), the trip to Iowa for one of my father’s weddings, when we were all asked to step out of the van line up and be spanked with the floppy end of a boot. That was fun, then and now. The times with my large extended family on those long summer days, watching my cousin, who came in sets of brothers (not sisters, girls were/are rare), prepared me for the walk that the Lord would give me with my own family, with six kids. I am sure that part of the reason I longed for this size family was what I saw at Holton Haven, cousin camp, every summer, the good and the bad, seemed the way it was supposed to be. I know we have dysfunction , but as far as dysFUNction goes, it is more fun if others can experience it with you, at least then you have a whole set of folks to agree with what your remember (most of the time anyway, we all have our on stories).
Back to the van, my children, the six that my sweet Donnie and I co-created with God and have been preparing to set free on the world, for change, they are wonderful. Their noise, the fights about which fast food we are going to eat, the big splash at the hotel pool, the squeals of discontent with not enough space on the seat and floor, the baby (who is now 4) kicking Donnie in the back of his chair, all of this makes me happy, even my on fussing reminds me we are healthy, safe and happy. These memories are important, I hold it close to my heart, when I realize that the way we do things now, will be part of who our kids become. They need the conflict, the tears, the laughter, the scares, they need all of this to be whole and healthy. I need all of this, normal, pain in the butt days and squished vans, it is defining me and I am happy with me today, in our little piece of the world. On the way to Chicago land to spend an extra long weekend with so many of the very same people who had such a hand in my story.
This is my story and stories are important.
Share yours with someone today.

So Whats the Story

2008-03-15T14:30:00.002-05:00

I am uggggggg, that is the consensus. I have rather consistent pain level due to some auto immune stuff and I deal with it, it has made me a better person and today I realized that. My children don't really care if I don't feel good, you have to understand they can't see that I don't feel good that is the way auto immune icks are. This week, however, my eye has been flaming red and hot, I have iritis. They can see it and they are more prone to kindness and helping to do the things I have to ask repeatedly for usually. I wonder how often do we do this to the folks around us. We don't see people hurting, physically, spiritually, or emotionally. The bank teller who doesn't smile or is snippy, the phone salesman we are mean to, the child who is unusually unruly, what is going on? Are they hurting and can't put there finger on it, are they sad and maybe don't even know why? Are they emotionally hurting dealing with some trauma? Who knows, but I know this, we don't know every one's story. That is important. Everyone, everyone, everyone has a story. Everyone has a different story and our stories change. Even when we are playing nice or things are going well we are affected. If someone seems great, tell them, they need to know. If some one is crappy, or crabby, remember they have a story, it may not seem that bad to you or it may be absolutely astonishingly awful, we may never know the full depth, but we all have hidden pains. I am challenged today to be kind even when I don't think someone deserves it, just because I can't see that they may need it. Stories are important honor one of yours today.

Good Working Order

2008-03-10T14:01:00.003-05:00

We break can openers. To be exact we have broken 6 can openers, to be fair the first one lived for 10 years. Someone gave us one, it stunk (probably why she gave it to us), we broke the next 4, all inside of the last few months. If your still with me, if you are actually continuing the reading of this rant, hang with me it gets better. Two, yes two of these were broken by the one and only super girl Maggie. She is a wee one, not quite 40lbs at the ripe old age of 7. Apparently, SuperGirl doesn't know her on strength, so upon having "sneaking" a can of fruit cocktail in the case of the most recent breakage, the can opener just broke under her raw strength. The other remaining can openers (2 if you are keeping count) just broke mysteriously, no one knows they were just found broken and not of use.
Have Donnie and I really procreated such super humans that we can't keep can openers alive (at least the handheld type) or manage to get one that our children's nimble hands can manage if it is electric OR and this is the big question Do can openers in the 21st century fail to meet the standards of a growing family. This is my point, and yes I do have a point.
Nothing, or at least close to nothing is made new in this generation that is expected to live the posted, warrantied, labeled life span in a home that involves anything more than 2 children and at least one adult who stays home all day using the things that the family has purchased. I understand we are a rarity to most. A large family, with 6 kids, a stay at home mom that uses her appliances ALL of them, ALL day.( I actually know many families like this). A family that opens and closes all the doors at least 10 times a day(including the fridge door), the computer is constantly being used for school, email, bill paying or ranting in this case. The knobs on the sink are turned to wash 8 sets of teeth 2 or 3 times a day (16-24 times), wash hands at least 4 times a day (32 times a day) wash dishes to dern many times a day, and to rinse rags and mops at least 10 times a day. The kitchen trash lid is opened at least 25 times a day and lets not even talk about how many times a day the furniture in the dining room, school room, and living room are flopped on or the floors we all walk on. Door knobs that are always being turned to go pee, lay on a bed (don't get me started on mistresses), door knobs to closets that are shared by multiple people most under 5 feet tall. Follow me here, if this is the case then what the heck did families do 30 years ago when large families were still not rare and finally, how the heck am I supposed to keep us with the junk that is mass produced staying in good working order for a family that is in strong, vibrant, living, learning working order. This is my rant and now I am done. I need things to stay in good working order.

Walking in Circles

2008-03-09T12:19:00.004-05:00

I am pondering, everything happens for a reason.

We hear that....often, especially when something bad happens, it is hard to believe

at the moment....my moments today bare that out, however. I won't go into details, but my life in many ways has come full circle. I am sure I will go in many more circles (doesn't that sound nice), but today I am pleased to announce PEACE. Laying in bed this morning with anywhere form 1-4 of our 6 children at various points, next to my sweet donnie, watching random television shows, and eating chocolate covered raisins I concluded that this must mean to have 'arrived'. We are not wealthy in the American sense, but around the world we would be considered downright rolling in the dough. We live in a modest home, have 2 cars and 3 televisions. We own a Wii, 2 Ipods, a laptop and a set of golf clubs. We eat soup (see previous recipe) and cabbage and potatoes when money gets tight or if we want to travel and choose that instead. We have 6 great kids and no they aren't all healthy and brilliant, but they are all loved and mostly happy. This is the actual American dream....living week to week, trying to put a little money back, yelling about dishes ( a reminder that we aren't hungry), teaching kids to read and laughing while we cry. Today laying in that bed I realized that so many of the things I was uncomfortable with even un happy with in another season of my life, today I am thrilled to pieces over. Embracing, hoping for seconds. The circumstances aren't as important as the lessons, pain, does cause contentment if and when I have allowed my self to embrace it, breathe it and take accountability for it and........move on. No fireworks, no announcements, just moving on. A new season a different struggle, walking in circles. I wonder how is the circumference of this circle going to change me and where will the travels take me this season, how long does it last and will I remember where I started?

Soup for the day and the spirit

2008-03-08T13:44:00.005-06:00

Was it worth the Mess.......YES

Masterpieces by the Pike's

Artist (the last 3 are napping again)

Momma's Masterpiece on the stove

Soup for 8 or 20 on a snowy day (or anyday)

6 pounds beef bones (with meat and fat) from Mr. Peter's Farm

5 onions

Watercolors

lots of celery stalks

left over carrots from dipping

new paper and brushes

big dog(to show you how to lay down and do nothing, easily)

public radio

tobasco or Frank's Hot Sauce (just whatever is left in opened bottle)

Box Wine (not the bottled stuff)

Quiet (tired kids from the snow)

Garlic (we like lots it covers any mistakes)

Potatos (don't bother peeling, Yukon Gold are our Favorites)

Boil bones all morning, while the children play in the snow, call a parentyou haven't talked to lately (in this case my father, Jerry Jr.) Talk at length while laughing at yourself.

bring the kids in....

Pour Wine (it is now after noon and after all it is a snow day)

Put some in the soup

Enjoy opera on the radio (yummy)

Get out new water colors, fresh paper, and call the kids in
Again

Throw children in the shower (all the girls in one, fun)

Sort laundry with high hopes, hang up long distance call....

Chop all veggies, seperate the meat and bones throw bones in a new pan with fresh water (more broth for another day)

This is an important step, try to find a knife or pot or bowl someone handed down to you (in this case my husband's daddy who he graciously shared with me for 13 years), think of them, remind yourself the way their kitchen smelled, the way their food tasted and how they changed your life....remember that they held that knife (or pan, or apron) near them. They are a part of who you are today....enjoy, smile, grieve, do what you need to do.Think of sittting at the table with them and breaking bread with them and remind yourself of the memories you will make with this pot of soup.

Put all chopped things of any liking in pan with meatt and yummy broth, including but not limited to the things listed above....

Watch the children, smile. Enjoy how you made the soup and more importantly how the soup makes you.

Oh Sweet Ra Ra

2008-03-07T16:15:00.005-06:00

Traditonal family breakfast on all birthdays in our family

CUPCAKES

Little Miss Birthday herself

Much of the cast that plays in Sarah's life, she has quite a collection of souls from 14-11, from Catholic, Church of Christ, and Baptist...all the way to Public Highschool to Private Ed, to our homeschool

Sarah's homemade Cheesecake (that each girl dressed with individual toppings and the strawberry cake(thanks Holts) and her cousin and long time soul sister (rara kate)

When we weren't looking the baby who never slept, cried for 2 years, and nursed like a maniac grew up. Sarah is 12. When I was twelve, I was experienced, I had seen so much of the world and life, and pain. Sarah is sweet, she has seen some life and some pain and loss, but she has innocence. Sweet innocence, she is pure and untarnished. No one has hurt her on purpose and she loves life and the world in it. For the last 12 years I have had the opportunity to experience so much life with her, the way life should be. Watching her dance with her daddy, have over nights with friends, laugh hard, cry hard, have tiffs with friends and help pray her family back to strong....Sarah has watched God move and not missed him in the small moments. We gave her some moments this year. She has gone to Florida, we watched her excel more than ever in school, she has devoted more of her days and thoughts to
the service of her Lord Jesus. Sarah has helped hug DJ who adores RARA and who can sometimes only be comforted by her. Sarah has found her voice and is no longer afraid to tell us what she needs and wants, we prayed that she would do this. Sarah has shared hurts and found healing from a season of brokenness in our family and the loss of her daddy's parents, her Granny and PaPa. She along with the rest of this family bore fruit, that only a season of rain in your life can bear and helped us celebrate that season in dizzying celebration almost everyday in some way this year. Sarah is a young lady. Sarah will make quite a woman. Sarah has stolen my heart and this year helped me see and learn what that little girl needs...both her and me. Thank you sarah.

Go To Time Out

2008-03-07T16:02:00.005-06:00

We live in Memphis, therefore we don't see much snow. Late yesterday they predicted snow 1-4 inches depending on who you asked. Oh good, cold is good, my heart feels clean and still when it is cold and snow and ice means no one can ask me to go anywhere to do anything. I have longed for quiet, needed quiet, begged for quiet, tried to mandate quiet...I say BE QUIET. this is what the snow does for me...thank you snow, thank you God who sent me snow. I went gathered art supplies and new paper and when the kids finish playing in the Memphis slush, and I am washing laundry, relishing not having to be anywhere, washing and drying the children's clothes, and enjoying my second cup of coffee with amaretto, we will draw. The kids will compare their art to Winslow Homer (even while it is snowing and we are looking forward to our Chicago get away, we will think about his seascapes) http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=winslow+homer&um=1&ie=UTF-8 and the quiet that comes with that.
Quiet, a new theme, nothing exciting, in fact begging for anything but exciting. A theme of quiet. I believe that is the space I need to occupy the time out, quiet space. Drawing, praying, dreaming, sleeping, eating, being, Not going. Thank you Arctic blast for putting me in time out to calm down before I over reacted to this fast pace life....with your snow.

Best Donor Ever

2008-02-17T11:50:00.004-06:00

(Please forgive Spelling Errors, the spell check is....not working, and my teacher hat is missing)

Over the next few days (maybe weeks) I will be writing about my expieriences with family and traditons that keep me alive, many come just like this....some are mine, many are what my family has shared with me. Thanks for sharing stories, and always welcoming me home, even from afar.

Ok, everyone has heard me talk about my awesome grandparents, the Holtons, if you have known me for more than a few hours. A little background, they have been married over 60 years, 6 children, over 20 grandchildren, nearing 15 great grandchildren (correct me if my count is off family), and we are close, we love eachother, we have meaningful relationships. Seriously folks, we sing together, roast marshmellows in the back yard, hang out 3 and 4 generations in a den watching football or in this case a show about sperm donors. This brings me to the following exerpt my sweet Aunt Nadia sent me about her most recent visit to Holton Haven.....The family roles in the parenthesis are mine.....just so you can follow.....these are my aunts and there kids (the best cousins in the universe)

I just got back from the Holton Haven Sunday.Peter(Nadias's son) and I went over so he could take a real estate class he needed...! It was so much fun. Last Friday night Gus, (cousin)Carol(aunt) ,Marnie (aunt), and Allie(youngest cousin),me(nadia),Mom and Dad and Peter too.... were all together. overnight! And cousin Jerry was there for a visit. I know Mom and Dad get pooped....but HERE is a funny for you. We were all sitting around watching an Oprah show of all things. (Don't ask me why ! )It was about kids grown from a sperm donor, now adults.Some didn't know about it until they were older some always knew, but most of them had a need/desire to know who the sperm donor, their father, was for various reasons. Anyway we sat around and discussed the issue during commercials. Toward the end ,at a bit after midnight, Dad gets up and says," Well I am heading up to bed." He had been sitting next to Mom on the couch as I was sitting in his chair. As he leaves the room he turns and says
"Aren't you all glad you got a good sperm donor?!" We were first shocked a bit and then laughed our heads off!! Dad is the best "sperm donor" I know of!!! Thought you would like to hear about that one!

Folks this is my family, this is not an odd happening when we get together, talking, laughing (usually at ourselves or the aunts that raised us).....If you knew, only knew, the diversity of this group sitting in the sunken den at my grandparents that night, old (mature), young, middle age, grandchildren, grandparents, children, cousins, straight, gay, married, unmarried....all HAPPY and well loved, accepted, wanted, longed for,needed, we all have a place. When we walk into that home we are welcomed, warmly, we refuel, find hope, laugh and cry. We have screamed, we have had moments (many) of insecurity and found security there, in that space. From vinyl table cloths on the floor to keep our wet butts just run out of the pool from ruining the floor, to adults with our on childrne sitting on the couches and recliners, always with a little one rocking in our grandpa's rocker (he had when he was a kid over 75 years ago), one sitting in Grandpa's lap is not unusual, or at Grandma's feet on the ottoman, listening intently. We find hope, healing, history, the strength to move through our seasons. I miss them, I cry often, homesick for the relationship and warmth I find there. But alas, my Aunt Nadia writes me and tells me about a story like this, and I am right there, finding hope.....that yes I have the best donor God could have given me in every since of the word. Thanks Grandpa for the legacy.