Moving, Changing, Creating, Resolutions of a Wayward Time Me

My hopes for the new year come fast and furious...I have resolved not to make a resolution.
But I will get my passport.
Not a big deal to some, but a huge step for me.
I want to travel, my heart leaps, I get butterflies in my tummy, and a lump in my throat when I think about seeing the world. I do not long for the tourist experience or extravagance. Instead, I hope for going to neighborhoods, villages, homes, grocery stories and hole in the wall diners in places I have never been. The world is big and I need to see it.
As it stands traveling in this way is out of my socioeconomic reach, but we must all take a first step to our dreams.
My first step is a passport.
My second step is a dollar in a jar....
Micro-movements, that is what I am aiming for.
I do not believe this is out of my reach, in fact, I can almost put the tip of my longest finger on it.

The first time we visited the ocean, just a few years ago, I could taste before my eyes hit it, then I could smell it and feel it in the air, finally I could hear it, ultimately seeing it. In fact we ran to it with clothes on in February air on Clearwater Beach, Florida.
That was a chance trip that took us to Tampa Bay where I drove up and down the beach side drive, while frantically making phone calls (in order to not turn around on a quick overnight business trip), finding money from any account I had. They were phone calls of a woman with a need....to see things bigger than herself, outside of herself, but still a part of me.
Now I know what a daydream is.

I can not explain the burning in me that says we, our family, is meant for more than what we are doing, or being where we are, but it is there.
This year I will fan the flame, I will allow myself to feel it burning in my heart.
I will not push this to the side for fear of not seeing it come to fruition, instead, I will expect it to happen, make plans for it to happen, make small movements in the direction of it happening and not be surprised when I am at a different door step of the world watching it happen.
This is about me, about a desire I can't explain.
This part of my story is part I am actually afraid of.
This part of my story comes from the same place in soul, my spirit, my mind that wants to drag out the paints and the sketch books and cameras.
This part of my life story is to be continued, but enjoyed more than imagined.
This is some crazy creative part of me that I am not used to or feel comfortable with so I must embrace this, not push it away.
My story in this way is selfish-all about me and how this will play out, but I know deep in my cells that it will change the story of our family, our home, this part of my story if I don't fear the creative, exploring, adventurous part of my heart to move, will move us to a better place.
I will answer this call in my heart this year.
I will get a passport in 2009.

Home At Midnight and Refreshed

We didn't get home till Midnight.
That sentence alone makes me wonder what kind of Christmas miracle has come to pass in my life, that I Suzanne, the momma of 6 was okay with that.
We took all the children, to family friends, didn't eat till 9pm (so worth it, we were late getting there almost 8), played until 11:30, watched our husbands watch a stupid movie and didn't leave actually until Midnight.
Wow what a character stretch.
When all my babies were little in what seems like not so long ago we were all in cozies by 5:30, dinner eaten, heads washed, teeth brushed and ready for bedtime stories. I was tired.
I am still tired, but it is a different tired. I love watching my children late at night with family friends as we all navigate this crazy season of our lives.
It is the crazy that is our children are growing and we are changing, it is also the changing economy, family dynamics, gas prices, house sizes and pay checks. We are all in this together and so many of our stories are the same on the inside though looking so different on the outside.
There are some joys and struggles that it is nice to know that another mom and dad share.
The fact that so many wonder where Christmas gifts will come from and utilities will get paid is difficult, but lasagna with friends and a rowdy game of outside hide and seek in really cold weather makes it easier to bear and understand. AT midnight on the way home I realized that we are so much the same as generations before us, struggling to make ends meet, but not regretful about the families we have. Our family is not much the same as any other family we have around us, we have 6 kids, sometimes we are loud, the kids don't always match, our faith isn't in a box....but there is this family who has also stepped back and seen having 6 children a blessing (crazy I know), not having money for any of them, eating lots of cheap food....and on this night, last night sharing.
We got home at midnight and I was refreshed.

Old Friends Still Growing Up Together

Above-Laughing till I cried
Below-Momma Cain Toasting her Oldest Son

Bubba's Youth being Buried

Below-Bubba in his glittery Homecoming Sash

Below-
Sammi and Johnna

Above: Sammi Cain- The Love of Bubba's life and an old/new
friend I have grown to cherish as a homeschool co heart and teller of tales
from a shared long distance past.




Below:
Our Sweet Bubba Cain 22 years after our first encounter
When he was still the oldest kid in the crowd and I was in
9th and 10th grade.

I have some old friends...not old in age (maybe), but old in years known....22 years to be exact in this case. We are now spending time together....at 40th birthday parties. We laughed until we cried, we told old stories and a bunch of women with grown up bodies....stretch marks, tummies that are not as flat as years before, and a confidence that is more different than ever, danced until we were sore (which was a lot sooner than when we were 16 years old). We were all wrapping up by midnight instead of getting ready to leave for the after party.
It was all just as it should be.
I am grateful for my old friends, they knew me in my freshman year when I was gawky and in trouble.
My old friends knew me when my story was young and yes, painful.
They didn't know the pain then, but these friends were my people, I found something in them and now I have the rare opportunity of saying thanks.
Thank you old friends for being the crowd that wasn't what most thought of us, but instead kind long movies, late Saturday nights full of laughter, tears through the breakups, hope through our young marriages, giggles till we cried at 40th birthdays.
Thanks for being the kids that I got in trouble with, found hope in and now fuss about my kids to.
I didn't know that I missed you, until you found me, I didn't know that I needed you until you showed up and NOW is really the best times of our growing up together ever.

Life is Perfect...Stand Don't Sit..Find it Don't Wait on How You Feel

YES! I sit SQUARELY in the seat of a perfect life.
The children fight, I have late readers, a tired husband, a checkbook in the red, a dirty house, a very sick mother, a past with a badly dressed reputation, some old addictions, bad choices, angry voices, too much therapy, a once bad marriage (sometimes tough marriage)....but life is perfect, my life is perfect. I am embracing all of that. It makes me who I am. There is no sarcasm in my saying my life is perfect....one would understand if you really knew what it could of been.
It could have been lonely, illegitimate children, still a woman of bad reputation, drug use, depression....constant loss.
Everyday, however I gain....hope perspective, love, encouragement.
Everyday I see grace, God's and other's for me, a sweet husband, growing children that I am learning to parent and love better, my mom is a surprise joy to every morning in my home, our home, it is a perfect life.
I do not stand ashamed at this or wondering if it is okay to say it, but instead thankful...
God has and will redeemed the years the locust stole....He has, He is, He will continue to.
This is our story.....good, bad, in different, it is my perfect story.
I am Cinderella, in a messy house, with lots of messy kids, with a life that doesn't always line up to the story books, but it is my story, and I LOVE it and embrace it and wouldn't trade it.
Find perfection in your life today, you are loved with an Everlasting PERFECT love.
It doesn't matter if your house or husband or wife or children or car or checkbook or, or, or, or.....anything feels perfect...WE ALL are loved with a PERFECT love and that is where I find identity, hope and breath, every breath that I think I can't take next can be taken in that thought.
Stand in that Christmas Light, that Perfect Life, HIS Perfect Love in YOU, ME....your messy family and Stand don't Sit in that
Christmas LIFE and Light.

I Will Believe the Truth Not the Lie, It Really is Close to Perfect

I have had shaking down of my spirit in the last few days, this happens every so often and at the end I am as tired as if I ran a marathon (I think, I will never run a marathon). In my life it has become important to recognize when I am not expected to do something, when it is okay to just walk away, even if I was wrong. I have been wrong and I have been wronged, I have sought forgiveness where I could and been straightforward with myself and my Lord and I will protect the very spirit with in me. So many times it isn't people but that fear and insecurity deep within us that we fight and argue and wrestle with. For today I will not wrestle, I will rest. I will rest in some truths.....
I am not who I was,
My husband loves me more than ever,
Our children are a blessing,
Our home is a gift,
My mom is a pleasant surprise to my days,
I really do have a dang near perfect family (and I don't have to feel guilty about that),
I will see my grandparents in 24 hours and this evening my aunts and cousins will wrap their arms around me and say "welcome home".
My pain is not unbearable and I am loved by the great I AM.
As I type those truths the voices in my head and the voices on the phone and the voices on the tv and the voices from my past and the voices from my present..and, and, and.... melt away.
These are my truths, my truths of today and yesterday is no more, I don't need to explain or live in it, I have forgiven and been forgiven, but I do not have to say yes to the pain runnning over me again in a reminder of all the ways I have failed and done wrong.
Today I am doing right....
Loving the man of my dreams,
Feeding truth and rice with sugar to the children God has given me,
Seeking peace with my mother,
Seeing God out of that Rubbermaid Box I had Him in (you know the clear kind you can see through, but the top pinches your hands when you try to pry it open),
Believing the truths not the lies about myself.

I feel the tears in my throat and at the same time my strong spirit rise up in me and say "On this day I will be okay."
I will not wrestle with lies, I will rest in truth.

Stories of Hospitality -Straight from Candy Season, Into I Bought So Many Groceries Season, Sliding Into How Will I Afford This Season

I will repost this....it is important to me. We have had our annual Thanksgiving with the Pikes (minus a few), we have traveled towards hope and comfort in Chicagoland and now we are putting up our tree.....but this is my heart even this year. I decided to share it again




It has been quite sometime since I posted a recipe....
Today I will share how to prepare for fun and Chaos in the Pike house.
This Sunday we will host 28 people including 15 children in our home, our relatively small, but blessed home....there will be tables in bedrooms, the living room and the school room. There will be fun in every room.
There are multiple steps in our recipe for fun....
First we started last night -FRIDAY
2 pans of cornbread dressing
1 pan of corn casserole
8lbs of sausage balls
Kix 106 (our local country music station)
Dancing with Husband in the kitchen
Sing with the kid
Chop Celery
Chop Onion
Boil Chicken Livers
Budweiser and few laughs that we are going to pull this off
Toss the worry about what the sisters-in-laws think, this isn't for them right....it is for the kids, they don't care what sort of house we play and pray in.

Second-Sleep in till 10am Saturday, let the kids play, wash Laundry with lots of Fabric Softener it makes the house smell yummy.
French Toast
Day old French Bread
Nutmeg
Cinnamon
Pumpkin Pie Spice Coffee (to drink while cooking)-I just add the spice to my filter while brewing
My favorite Pampered Chef Skillet
1/2 dozen egg
6 Hungry kids and one grateful grandmother

Sunday-We are prepared and I will pray......

Memories for my children in our home as a family are more important than I think most know.
You only know how important that is if you haven't had it and so I will sacrifice my pride, have my children's heart filled with recipes of love, joy, and laughter and fill this home with people to the brim, so that each of them will remember that momma put her time where her mouth is.
We are called to love one another, to be hospitable, I think Jesus must have been fun and I just know he would have loved this kind of fun and chaos with all the kids and one momma who will commit to not worrying just for one day what others think and loving, living, laughing and maybe even a little dancing.
Enjoy the recipe....
Take a stretch out of your comfort zone and have some fun, for the family's sake.

My Education of Henry Adams, America and My Very On Shack

I have been quite the reader. Reading is what has kept me sane for season of my life. We are currently reading through The Shack again, with the children and I have just begun The Education of Henry Adams by Henry Adams . I will maintain a level of integrity here with my readers by letting you all know that I am just barely through the Introduction of 'Henry Adams'.

I have asked myself of the children "Can we begin a legacy of excellence in government, society, and power at this time and place in history?" a big question that I have explored before. I am not even sure if it is important or something to be aspired to, but my question, none the less. The future is after all in their hands, the children we are raising to be adults....The Future is In Their Hands. Quite Frankly, this is daunting.



In the Education of Henry Adams or at least the intro., I am reacquainted with an age old pattern, a history greatness. That is the story of Henry Adams, his family was a founding family with many important figure heads of history, but he considered himself a failure in many ways and even asked that his book not be published until after death, his death.

Adams was more a writer of History rather than a History Maker.

What will our children be and how will they find that and can they find that in relationship....big picture Relationship?

Relationships are the root of my life, painful though that mostly is, it is what it is. Reading this after The Shack, all about relationship and seeing Adams' relationship to history, but merely relating history not making it, I am left with another question.

What is our relationship to our children's ability to make history, either because of our relationship or in spite of our relationships with them?

Recently we have seen a man elected to be our very next History Maker, our President of this United States of America. There is much to be said of his relationships, their is one that is strikingly obvious to me. His lack of relationship with positional power in government, society or money as a child...at least none that is glaringly obvious from my tiny bit of research. The relationships we do know about as an adult have certainly formed him and we have heard much of this and they will quite possibly be history makers and tellers, as well. But....which is better.....

A place in history where you can become an incredible somebody, history maker, President of the United States , even if you come from a family of no one important, no known variables?

(this sounds appealing to me, it is where my children are coming from)

or a place in History where Children who become adults who become a Somebody, are taught, trained, groomed if you will to do the job by previous History Makers not History Watchers.

My children wouldn't qualify, but maybe I would be more comfortable....in relationship to my on needs and desires.

I am not making a political statement, I am not talking about the vote, I am asking a question that I am uncomfortable with.

Would I rather have the opportunity of newness or the security of understood points?

Are these either/or questions and are they static answers?

I don't know.

I will keep reading, maybe I am raising a History Maker(s), if so will I be pleased?