I decided to believe God for a family that was whole and loving. I decided that I would believe God for a marriage that would last and have deep meaning and health. I decided to fight the demons that haunt me from a life most can not fathom. I decide to hope for a future for kids that some believed we should never have. I decided to trust that the Word was True and not just a good idea. I decided that just because you say so isn't enough of a reason for me to quit, give up or decide your way is better. I decided that no one could or would pre-determine how I educated, fed, loved or continued having our children. I decided to trust myself and not the ones that had continued to be untrustworthy. My story is one of often difficult even painful decisions that have to be worth it or I wouldn't be able to breath. I am grateful, because my story has changed the very landscape of a family. God is good in my story and the "shoulders" are wrong. We were messed up and that was true, but God wasn't finished with my Story and having a back seat to healing as they 'shoulded' on me was not the place to be. There were a few who took front row seats and saw the pain and the hurt and dirty awful mess that this family was, up close and personal, but ohhhhhh, the Glory of God and the Joy witnessed as the healing has taken place and continues to take place, makes having the messy seats in our lives all the more worth it.
I know that some are reading my story and knowing they are a 'shoulder', I am not writing for you, I am writing the ones who dare to do what they are called to in the face of great pain and adversity, with peace.
I wondered as lay in my bed on September 1st, where I would be if I had listened to those who thought I shouldn't. Thought I shouldn't work on this marriage, thought I shouldn't stay in this family, thought I shouldn't have any more babies, and definitely thought I shouldn't be home educating.
The people who thought I shouldn't were many in number and they were the ones who should have been my greatest cheerleaders, on my side, but they all had opinions about what they thought I shouldn't be doing. I quit on them before they could quit on me. The thoughts were really more than that, they took action, made calls, wrote notes and even sought out 'the advice of authorities' to try and convince me other wise. None of them came and offered to wash dishes, hold the babies, or ask the how can we help questions. The dirty work was left to others, the 'unlikelys', and the unlikelys quickly had their sanity attacked as well....they didn't care if people 'shoulded' on them.
I find myself wondering if I hadn't done all the things I shouldn't have done where would I be and who would I not have in my life.
The most prominent thought on September 1st was that I wouldn't have my daughter who was turning 9 that morning. I definitely wouldn't have the 5 year old that I was scolded for conceiving. These well rounded, well educated teenagers who have become young people of integrity, seeking out the lost, and loving the unlovable, I wonder who they would be if I hadn't persisted and fought the 'should nots' and the authorities who were standing at my door.
The amazing 11 year olds who walk our cove loving neighbors who others had forgotten about, what if they had been taken as the should nots wanted them to be and properly educated by people less shakey in their lives. Oh, and the 9 and 5 year olds wouldn't even be, because we would not have conceived them, never mind had the audacity to bring them into this world with love and adoration, I wouldn't have dared.
I dared, I double dog dared, to go against the ones who thought we shouldn't. I fought with both fist up all the powers that be with prayer, and resources and with the help of only a few, and here we are.
I dare you to go against the 'shoulders' in your life who say what you should and shouldn't do, know that you know, that you know, that the good gifts He has given you are indeed good and fight for them, the marriage, the children, the faith, the hope, the belief that your dreams can come true.
This is my story today as I watch the 'shouldn't have beens' playing, and loving, and learning, and hoping for a future I am sure so many will say they shouldn't have. Don't believe it.
These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, 'happies'at www.himhimthem.blogspot.com please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.