Sunday, December 20, 2009

Wondering,Wandering,Finding and Never Forgetting

So I wonder.....
I wonder about so many things throughout the day I am quite sure that it makes my family dizzy, especially my husband-
I wonder about the Apostolic Creed.
I wonder about what is for dinner tonight.
I wonder about the little boys that live two doors down.
I wonder about marriage and how it works itself out.
I wonder about communion and what it means, what is should mean.
I wonder why I should on myself.
I wonder about the great grief no one speaks of.
I wonder if the turkey broth will make good chicken soup.
I wonder how God spoke to Miss Helen and the Fowlers.
I wonder what happened in heaven when our marriage was redeemed.
I wonder what happened in heaven when I lost those babies.
I wonder what happened in heaven when the babies I had woke up this morning.
I wonder about atomic mass and the science of energy and how we think.
I wonder about the doctor who opened my tiny daughter up and fixed her heart.
I wonder if I will make cookies today.
I wonder if I am doing the right thing with my faith.
I wonder if some pain ever leaves.
I wonder if a certain peace is never meant to be experienced by some
I wonder if anyone gets some of the peace I know.
I wonder if any of my answers matter.
I have answers to some of these things I wonder about, but the answers change....often, and sometimes only slightly.
My heart has been broken over and over again by the Lord as I am understanding how much I really don't know and my heart has been mended over and over again by the Lord as I work through the brokenness caused by mere people who didn't know how to love me well.
Often my wondering brings me peace and understanding, sometimes my wondering brings me tears, because some things hurt. I don't believe that I will ever know the whys of some pains, because the only real why is we live in a fallen world with fallen people.
The peace I get when I understand something isn't so much the understanding, it is I believe,when I can see the Face of the Father and the Hand of God in any given experience be it Good or Bad and Know that He was present, ever present....He never left me.
My wondering has drawn me to more questions than answers, but I am grateful to wonder and sometime wander, and find that He is always there in the answers I get.
What do you wonder about?
What answers are you wandering from?
It is important to ask questions, to wonder, to regularly experience not having all the answers and being so delighted when you get an idea....and see He is there in it all.
These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies
at please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Maci and Maggie in the morning

Sarah and Maggie


Sarah and Morgan




zach and holly (PROM 2009)

zach and long time childhood friend Bethany

Just shameless day of bragging on a few amazing people I love to pieces.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies
at please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Pink Pants for the Many Days of All Sort of Tears

I have never worn pink until now, but now I need pink. The pink reminds me that it is okay to walk around in a life I don't understand with days I thought I could never endure, grief that seems heavy and hope that seems somewhat overwhelming. I am wearing more pink.
I wore pink pants and a black shirt, I have dealt with 10 days of headaches, one bypass surgery with my mom, 2 rounds of strep with my twins, two bacterial infections with my 4 middle kids, some weird virus that I thought would kill my husband, a dryer that says,'klunk, da klunk, klunk' every time I put a load in, a broken water heater, a funny smell in the back of the house, becoming closely acquainted with my pest control guy, canceled two trips, had one amazing trip to see my family, break through seizures with my 5 year old, a wreck for my teen an his girl, loss of utilities, a bearded lizard of some sort that I understand ate her mate before she came to my home,one lost phone, one found phone, and an amazing marriage seminar for 5 (of 8) weeks that can only make this all more doable with my best friend and husband.
This is 2 months in the life of the Pike family....I have not loved every minute of it, much of it I have endured, not so patiently. I am grateful for most of it and I have loved a week or two of it, but through out it all I have had a team behind me, my network of sorts. To say this is the life I dreamed of would be a lie, I dreamed far less for my life, with a very different chaos, and much less love. I never dreamed of a life that I would where pink pants and a black shirt and think I looked amazing that Sunday morning.
I cry a lot these days, the days of pink pants. I cry when I am happy....when I watch my son with his sweet girl, I cry when I watch my teen daughter put on mascara, I cry when I watch my younger twin do a report, the doctors swore she would never do, I cry when I watch my 9 year old write stories and sleep peacefully next to our baby, I cry when our baby does kindergarten.....all of these tears have come between the happenings over the past two months, bright spots like my pink pants on a rainy Sunday morning.
I cry grief tears, when I see all the same children doing the same amazing things, about time lost in my life, memories never made, and pain that I never understood. But the days of the pink pants are not like the teary eyed days of years past, these are not days of depression or decomposition. These are the days of moving through finding relief, embracing health, coming to terms of agreement, redefining and acceptance of who I am and where I come from, days of figuring out where I come from. These are the days of the pink pants, new relationship with the same husband, different relationship with the growing kids, an understanding relationship with myself and figuring out how to puzzle it all together. These are the days of the pink pants.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies
at please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Shoulders, The Shoulded, and Not to be Shoulded On

I decided to believe God for a family that was whole and loving. I decided that I would believe God for a marriage that would last and have deep meaning and health. I decided to fight the demons that haunt me from a life most can not fathom. I decide to hope for a future for kids that some believed we should never have. I decided to trust that the Word was True and not just a good idea. I decided that just because you say so isn't enough of a reason for me to quit, give up or decide your way is better. I decided that no one could or would pre-determine how I educated, fed, loved or continued having our children. I decided to trust myself and not the ones that had continued to be untrustworthy. My story is one of often difficult even painful decisions that have to be worth it or I wouldn't be able to breath. I am grateful, because my story has changed the very landscape of a family. God is good in my story and the "shoulders" are wrong. We were messed up and that was true, but God wasn't finished with my Story and having a back seat to healing as they 'shoulded' on me was not the place to be. There were a few who took front row seats and saw the pain and the hurt and dirty awful mess that this family was, up close and personal, but ohhhhhh, the Glory of God and the Joy witnessed as the healing has taken place and continues to take place, makes having the messy seats in our lives all the more worth it.
I know that some are reading my story and knowing they are a 'shoulder', I am not writing for you, I am writing the ones who dare to do what they are called to in the face of great pain and adversity, with peace.

I wondered as lay in my bed on September 1st, where I would be if I had listened to those who thought I shouldn't. Thought I shouldn't work on this marriage, thought I shouldn't stay in this family, thought I shouldn't have any more babies, and definitely thought I shouldn't be home educating.
The people who thought I shouldn't were many in number and they were the ones who should have been my greatest cheerleaders, on my side, but they all had opinions about what they thought I shouldn't be doing. I quit on them before they could quit on me. The thoughts were really more than that, they took action, made calls, wrote notes and even sought out 'the advice of authorities' to try and convince me other wise. None of them came and offered to wash dishes, hold the babies, or ask the how can we help questions. The dirty work was left to others, the 'unlikelys', and the unlikelys quickly had their sanity attacked as well....they didn't care if people 'shoulded' on them.
I find myself wondering if I hadn't done all the things I shouldn't have done where would I be and who would I not have in my life.
The most prominent thought on September 1st was that I wouldn't have my daughter who was turning 9 that morning. I definitely wouldn't have the 5 year old that I was scolded for conceiving. These well rounded, well educated teenagers who have become young people of integrity, seeking out the lost, and loving the unlovable, I wonder who they would be if I hadn't persisted and fought the 'should nots' and the authorities who were standing at my door.
The amazing 11 year olds who walk our cove loving neighbors who others had forgotten about, what if they had been taken as the should nots wanted them to be and properly educated by people less shakey in their lives. Oh, and the 9 and 5 year olds wouldn't even be, because we would not have conceived them, never mind had the audacity to bring them into this world with love and adoration, I wouldn't have dared.
I dared, I double dog dared, to go against the ones who thought we shouldn't. I fought with both fist up all the powers that be with prayer, and resources and with the help of only a few, and here we are.
I dare you to go against the 'shoulders' in your life who say what you should and shouldn't do, know that you know, that you know, that the good gifts He has given you are indeed good and fight for them, the marriage, the children, the faith, the hope, the belief that your dreams can come true.
This is my story today as I watch the 'shouldn't have beens' playing, and loving, and learning, and hoping for a future I am sure so many will say they shouldn't have. Don't believe it.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, 'happies'at please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Work, Work, Work....Home Repair At It's Best

It has been quite some time since I last wrote anything for this blog. It isn't that I have no thoughts or that my mind isn't constantly moving about the ideas I ponder, I am just plain busy.
Busy is good sometimes. Taking care of our home is a little bit like painting the Golden Gate, when you finish the last screw, it is time to begin again. Recently, I went back in mind to a time 8 years ago when I was consumed with the idea of painting the trim in our hallway and bedroom. It seemed dank and dark, needing some fresh sparkle. We were still without the current addition and the space was even tighter than it is now with five small children, my husband, myself and a dog in a two bedroom space. I couldn't however muster the energy to actually do the painting on the tiny hallway. It seemed that if I started, whenever I started I could only see all the rest of the work and jobs and needs around our home that needed to be done and so I didn't start because I felt I would never finish. We would never finish, in fact we still haven't finished. Our home has been a work in progress since we moved into it some 15 years ago, with just one little boy, who will be 16 next Friday. We are still needing to paint door ways that were made from window sill some 9 years ago (and needing to thank the Lord for those door ways in spite of them needing paint), we need to install some window thingys around the sills of the windows that are part of the addition ( and thank the Lord for the windows that keep us protected from the outside), and we need to carpet most of the house and what doesn't need to be carpeted needs to be re-finished (needing to praise God for all 18 feet, that run and walk across these floors everyday). We just finished painting the kitchen and the rain started falling on the freshly painted cabinet fronts this morning which reminded me I need to be thankful for the freshness of a summer rain, like God's out pouring on my life during some very dry seasons. The laundry is never done, the dishes always need some washing, the kitchen can always stand to be mopped again, the kids sheets need changed as soon as the last set is put on freshly for the week and the dusting just doesn't stop. Even this very moment I am sure that the same hallway I was unwilling to start (that finally a friend came and helped with) needs a good painting this season or maybe the next. I am not afraid to start anymore because I will see the work around me that needs to done. My life is much like our home, always in need of a fresh coat of sweetness on some corner that has been bumped often, or some cobwebs needing to be swept out of some hidden spot I am not willing to look at yet. It is a never ending project, and inevitably when I notice a new place to be touched up my attention will be turned to the cracks and crevices around me and instead of despairing, I believe I will try to find some joy. Joy that it isn't my work, but the Hand of God who will get it all done, if I have a willing heart. After all, in the direction manual of heart repair it says this -
".....being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
This scripture is so important to me because it shows me that even God doesn't do one quick fix and move on expecting that we will never need a touch again, that he will continue until completion WHEN the day of Jesus Christ has arrived. I am so excited to know that I am not a finished project right this moment and that like my home there will be a work done in me on a regular basis, a daily basis, an every moment basis, if I will only make myself available to His hand. God will work in me or through me one way or the other, but oh to do it willingly is some exciting stuff and today, I am grateful to be a home in need of some touch up work.
That is my story today.

These are my original thoughts, feel free to share only in their entirety with a direct link to the original posting at
Some are funny, some are sad, but they are all completely mine and it is important not to steal them from me....please be honest doing the right thing.

Friday, June 19, 2009


Humility is an interesting concept, one I might add, I am not very good at.
When I look at the kids I have pride in what I have done. When I admire my home I acknowledge what we have made of our little space. But today, I am humbled. I woke in the wee hours with tears and a heavy heart, but not one of pain or sadness....I was overwhelmed by the hand of God in my life. I have these 6 amazing children and a husband that loves me more and more and I simply can't fathom all that God has done for me. We have an amazing Restored marriage.....a Miracle, A Hope only imagined that so many spoke against and discouraged me to hope for, God did it. These children have brought me to my knees over and over. Everyone prays for a healthy baby, so did we. Healthy babies weren't always in the plan for us, but we have amazing babies who are becoming more and more healthy everyday, being the best God created them to be, God did it. I am humbled when I see the walk and play and swim and text and pray and, and, and....I am amazed. Today I am humbled that really in spite of myself, God has kept us close during every storm. Today I am humbled that I have six children sleeping in various place in this house soundly with reasonable health and great hope for the future. Today I am humbled that around dark tonight Donnie will walk in and eat dinner with me at the table he bought his momma over 20 years ago. Today I am humbled that our kids will have friends over who choose to spend time with us, not because of our house or our stuff, but because of us. I understand not feeling worthy. Today I am humbled that because of Him I will be found Worthy of Him.
Today my story humbles me.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

This Is The Way We Get It Done with a Discount

Here in our family we have
One Village Toymaker employee, Zachary,
One regular babysitter with reasonable rates-Sarah Kay,
Two Mother's Helpers-Martha and Maci (they also moonlight as great organizers of closets drawers, kitchens and bathrooms),
One great Dog Walker-Maggie
And Daddy the great who does Home Remodel and Repair.
I share this because with the exception of Zachary there will be discounts abounding for the kids services (who are earning money for camp and retreats).......
Drum Roll Please
For Donnie and our Home Remodel and Repair Service, because here in the great city of Memphis there has been so much storm damage we want to Pay It Forward by sending a discount your way.
Donnie and I thought it would be a great time to offer a friendly neighborhood discount in light of all the storm damage. We are a homeschool, family run business working at the highest level of integrity and quality. We won't stop until you are pleased. It is also a great time to get your home ready for all the summer fun and guest. If you need roof repairs, window repairs, interior or exterior painting we would be blessed to come and offer you our services with integrity and excellent work. We are also busy scheduling new decks and great playhouses to spend the summer on and in.
Pike Family Economic Stimulus Package
Until July 31 we are offering a 10% discount on all jobs under $500, 15% for jobs $501-$1000 and 20% for all jobs over $1000 dollars. Materials are not included in this discount The work that is scheduled does NOT have to be storm related. It is our desire to serve our friends and family with not only a value but quality work. We come with excellent references and your satisfaction is what we count on to put food on the table--

We hope that in the coming weeks and months you will think of our family when thinking about home repair and spread the word. If you have a business you would like us to make referrals for feel free to let me know.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Friday, June 5, 2009

The Knot In My Throat and Other Things I Am More Aware Of

I walked out of painful chaos and into legalism of the religious sort, following that up with more questions than answers about life, lies, hopes, and heroes. I found answers to questions I didn't think to ask and asked questions I didn't dare to mutter before. While in the middle of all of these moments I saw that I had become an adult with no great definition of self, but knowing all the while that I would pass up religion for relationship and would pass up relationship with others to protect my heart and to find boundaries in my heart that hadn't previously existed. I found relationship in a community of believers that I never expected and when asked boldly "How, Why, and Where?" I can only answer, "Because Jesus is there and there is where I have been found again." The knot in my throat, the tears always on the edge are tears of grief. The knot is all I had hoped for what could have been when I started this journey at a place not so far away with people that I believed would run the race along side, people that ended up running a different leg of the race than us. I have heard these old voices, listened to the memories, and followed my heart to know....the pain that was left by the loss is still there. It is okay that today I don't know exactly who I am or where I am headed. I have relationship, with my Lord and with myself.....all the rest is a bonus. I want to know more, to see more, to share more but today I will just be more, quietly.

These are my original thoughts posted with all sorts of funnies, hurts, happies
at please honor that they are owned by myself (Suzanne Pike) and don't share them without attributing where they are found and who they came from in the material you share.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Family Like Never Before in Our Home

In my backyard it is not glamorous , we have 6 bikes.....4 need tubes replaced but neither time nor cash have allowed that, the mosquitoes are vicious, the shed needs painting, you can find some stray Popsicle wrappers, and it is muddy (not just Memphis rain, also kids leaving the hose on to play in the mud with). This is my home. In our front yard are 2 big city garbage cans ( we are a big family), hostas, lambs ear, a pickup truck, a 12 passenger van (that needs the tags replaced NOW), my moms Taurus and probably some of the neighbor dog's dinner. This is my home. In my kids rooms are shared spaces, dirty laundry, beads in the carpet, i-pods, TV with no cable and possibly a few living fish in a tank. In our living rooms (kitchen, school room, living room, dining room)are kids clothes, books, papers, cat hair, unfinished old wood floors, old carpet, one TV with Direct TV, dog hair, the yummy smell of leftovers, comfortable couches and two computers. This is my home. We don't live in the nicest neighborhood, but I have some of the nicest neighbors, I would bet on it. Often money runs out before month and groceries before grocery day and patience before fun is had....but love never runs out. Coming to our home is like camping, hot, sticky, pool to cool off in, never sure what we will eat next, kids running, momma sometimes yelling and Daddy coming to the camp site late because he had to finish work before the weekend get away.
We don't live like most of the people we know, sometimes this is difficult, sometimes it brings great joy and it is always an adventure with blessings and memories that I didn't expect.
These are the little details of the big picture, when you walk into our home it looks like a big mess in our little house.....but our lives are full of little moments, Big ideas, big messes, lots of laundry, questions waiting to be answered, 6 kids, a grandmother,one working daddy and one busy quick to correct momma that needs to play nice a little more often.....this is our Home, The Pike Home......Family like never Before.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mothers Day Musings with Busy Days, Big Nights, Growing Older and Loving Every Minute Of It

Zachary and Holly MHEA PROM 2009

DJ at 5 years old and Mommy taking a long look at my last baby

Sarah and her friends at the big Girls Night Out

Sarah's Friends greeting her on the couch durning the Sunday School Hour on her sick birthday

Sarah' being surprised by the friends

In the last 4 months there has been so much going on that I can't even possible describe the roller coaster of emotions that have gone with the events. In February my oldest daughter turned 13, in March my youngest son turned 5, and last week my oldest went to the MHEA Prom.
On Sarah's 13th birthday she was very sick and so the party came to her that day....our sweet Senior Girls at Highland youth group and her fellow 7th grade friends all showed up at our home to sing and bring her some nice Starbucks Hot Cocoa....a priceless morning where I was sure once again that no one has ever felt as loved as our family feels by our amazing Highland Family.
She followed that party up a week later by having a girls night out party at a local hotel where the girls got to swim in February and dance all night long. One month later on March 25th, I went to officially not having anymore pre-school age children in my family when our youngest and second son turned 5 years old. For his birthday on a very muddy morning I bought him a Big Wheels his daddy and big brother put the toy together in the parking lot and I brought home Blue and Gray donuts (March Madness spirit for our home team the U of M Tigers) there was fun had by all. That was a bittersweet day where I found myself thinking about when the children were all so young and at 5 years old Zachary, our oldest was the "big kid" with 3 kids younger than him and that for 15 years I had a small child, pregnant and/or nursing....that season is over and it has ushered in a new season........
Just last week Zachary our oldest sat in our bathroom while I cleaned up the hair on his neck and we talked about corsages, for the impending dance. Now that he is almost 16 our family has found some firm footing in the land of adolescence and I LOVE IT.
There are ups and downs, tears and prayers, but I am watching this child who will be a man soon become more and more self assured and at peace with himself and his place in the world every day.
This isn't just a shameless plug for our children (it is that), but it is also me wanting to take a step back and recognize this unique place that I am in life. The mother of sons, daughters, almost grown and just beginning to really grow. I have some last chances to hold the hearts of our babies and some first chances to really see a glimpse of who some of these children are growing to be. Today I will commit to listen more to stories about new birthday toys and the difficult stories of broken hearts and questions about the world we are in right now. I will recognize tears and pains of growing young adults and not take it personal. I will kiss hurt knees and teach new spelling list. I will watch as we struggle through college classes and teach my youngest child to read. I will stand amazed at the story of it all, this is my story today, changing and growing up with my babies....

Sunday, April 19, 2009

In Response to the Prayer....The Lord of My Dreams at the Root of a Selfish Prayer

This morning in our Bible Class...Sunday School Class, we spoke about the passages in Exodus that speak about knowing God. I said in my thoughts out loud in the same class that I now find myself praying "How do you want me to know You in this.....___________" fill in the blank.
Because I have seen in my on life that God is not as concerned with my finances, health, or happiness but more about how I know Him in all of these challenges and blessings. I am hard headed I learn more in a challenge so my prayer has been "How may I know you....where are you at....what do you want me to get from this?" and less "please take it away, heal them now, pay this bill." These prayers are not unselfish, I have come to see that God usually does the latter in some way or another, but that just asking for Him to show me His heart in these matters is much more comforting. I am selfish and I want to be comfortable, I like to know that God is near, since I have seen that trouble isn't going to go away and health is always a challenge....I just want Him near. That is not humble that is selfish.
I cry through these prayers, but I have learned that through these things are the most really it is selfish of me...very selfish, because at the bottom of it all is I don't want to miss a blessing and when I learn through these painful things, I am then blessed to see God's hand and well, just WOW. It is all about Him, because I am more selfish than anyone, wanting it all for myself to be good and pleasant, I have only been able to see those things through the pain...and when I taste the is sweet like honey and I long for more so I pray "Lord, put the things in my life which will draw me closer to you and take the things from my life which separate me from you."( This is a quoted prayer of a friend J.P.) one more time through tears....just to be near Him again....selfish I just want His hand for myself.
I am not humble, I ask God for an email or a fax or a finger of fire," just show me what I need to get from this ___________(fill in the blank), so I can be near to You." I am dependent and needy and so much so that only God, Jehovah, Lord Almighty can meet my needs.
Not praying for health, not praying for wealth isn't humble, it is the root of all is give me more of YOU....and I this other stuff won't be so big. We don't mind so much going through nearly anything if it is with the significant other of our dreams....That is what He is to me. I just want to be near to Him.

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Being Not Just the Doings of Me

I do not write because I don't have anything to say, it is because I have so much to say and can not seem to sort it all out. I think in essay, long essays, short essay, joke writing, tear jerkers, I think in writing style. I have so much I want to get out, that is part of my story. I want to talk about being a mother. I need to talk about being a wife. I don't know how to talk about being a daughter. I miss talking about being a grand daughter, when I am not near home. I am not sure how to talk about being an employee. So many different spaces in my life that I can speak on and for the life of me, I can't get it down. I am all of these things and more.
Today I will sit in this space, this time in my life where I can be all of these roles and understand that they are all part of me.
The big picture me is not just my doings of these roles, but my being in this time. Today I will try more being. I can't do less, but I can be more aware of this time in my life and who I am while I move with an even pace through the day. I will breathe more, I will take longer breaths, I will speak less, I will move slower while doing, so that I have longer moments to take hold of who I am. Comprehending this is huge, monumental....I am not sure I ever will, but today, I will endeavor to begin breathing in the being and not just the doing of my identity.
This is my story today.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Finding Peace in the Moment During Un-Defined Changing Seasons

I used to look forward to the days off, where I had nothing to do. I longed for long cozy days (code for staying in PJ-cozies). Now I am adjusting and appreciating long moments of free time with my kids, a few hours straight to read good books and review some math while washing laundry. As my babies are becoming pre-teens and teens I find that my greatest moments of peace are found when the family is being loud in one spot playing a game or working in the home. Quiet is no longer defined as nothing to do, but instead things to do together.
Today my story is one of deep gratitude for the ability to change with the seasons of life. As I find my footing in all the roles I am in-Mother of Teenagers so close to adult life, Mother of Pre-Teens genetically the same but so different and still so amazing, mother to an amazing spunky 8 year old who has found her way to second grade reading and math like a cheer leader in a nail biting game and finally Mommy of a pre-schooler for the last time in this season of my life, in just a few short months this last baby will begin Kindergarten in our homeschool, I am overwhelmed with feelings about that. I find craziness that in addition to being a momma I am a wife, a daughter with my mom living with us, an employee, a friend to amazing women of all sorts, a homeschool teacher. I like to dance and read and sleep, I enjoy rock and country, so many roles and I am finding rest and peace moving fluently from one to the other and enjoying the moment. No more are the long days in pajamas with a house full of small kids who only need stories and PB&J, now are the days of cheerleading, Honor Society, heart to heart talks, Choir, Camp, swimming parties, makeup, purses, drivers licenses and college choices. I find peace in the moments, each one I will embrace.
That is my story today, letting the seasons change in my life without resistance but instead with hope and a renewed energy.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Move, Change, Stay the Same....Doing It All

In the coming weeks I will be doing it all....or at least all for me. I am a wife, mother, daughter, friend, Highland Church member, survivor, tutor most of all I am a working mom.
Wow, that just takes my breath away. Of course I know that all moms are working moms, I work while I home-educate, co-owner/operator of Pike Remodeling, tutor, drive, work 8-12 days a month for Clinique...etc., etc.,etc , I have been a working momma since my oldest was born almost 16 years ago. This week I was asked to take a job, a regular part time, get out of the house with makeup and an ironed outfit job for more than my usual few days a month and (drum roll please), I accepted.
I don't know if we as moms can do it all....I am not ever sure I do all that I already have to do as well as I should have or could have. I often lay in bed at night, sometimes with tears recounting the ways that I should have done something differently. I know this, I am a woman with resources, a grown up making choices.....I will choose to be a success, to do my best, to take a chance and reach for some amazing goals, seeking to partner with my sweet husband in a new exciting way to give our kids opportunities. The best opportunity I want to give these kids is the opportunity to see me, their momma, move out of her comfort zone, believing in myself, supporting her dream to do something bigger in a new season. I will still homeschool, I will still tutor, I will still cook dinner, this week while working I still managed to love sick kids, I will continue to allow myself and my story to re-shape, move and change.....and stay the same.

Friday, February 20, 2009

So Much in One Time, One Space, One Place.....To Be Contained or Lived

I will live today not worrying about what anyone thinks....I will not worry about what I think at every moment. In fact I will try not to think so much. Enjoying this coffee Maci just brought me may be the most thoughtful thing I do all day.
I will live loudly with the kids. I will not let the nagging names of the folks who I think about when my house isn't perfect, talk without answering in my head "go away....your thoughts are not my reality".
I will be sad when I need to,I feel tears so often in the last few weeks, I will let myself give in today, I will cry in the shower, maybe even loudly.
I will miss the people I need to miss, I will believe that the ones who are living really do miss me like they say they do.

Today, I will remind myself that it is never to late for a new successful life.
I, today need to remind myself that I can be all these things and feel all these things, sadness, anger, joy, hope, grief,anxiousness and still be of sound mind and sound body. That just because someone doesn't really get it, doesn't make me a fraud or a fake, it just means they don't get it and that is okay, for all concerned.

I will do unto me as I would have others do unto me or as I do unto others. I will show kindness, and peace, I will speak hope and encouragement and I will let some things go. I will change the standard if even for a moment.
Today I will be okay.
This is my story today, one of not getting it, not being able to hold on to all that is swirling at once. My story today seems to carry so much hope and so much grief, so much contentedness and so much of a need to move and change all at once, pain and peace, too many things that are so different in one time, one space, on spirit and body that I can hardly contain it all.
I don't think I can contain it all. I am not sure I want to contain it all.
I will move today in each part of this story, one step closer to the best we can be.

Friday, February 6, 2009

I Need a Moment and I Intend To Take it and Share It

I have a handfulof people that I will be happy to grow up with and grow old with,they are the ones that I take a moment with. Primarily myself.
In so many ways I am painfully aware that I am still growing much that I didn't know when I should have known, I was so busy surviving my life that I didn't learn it. I am learning so much today, growing up. Growing old just sounds comforting to me, hopeful, like somehow I will feel more comfortable in my space. I am quite sure there will be some uncomfortable moments, but the set moments will pull me through. Set moments?
Moments I set to think about and settle with what is going on, sometimes alone often with people I love. I have a set moment every Thursday night with my sweet Lauras (two of them). In God's true fashion they are nothing like me, but ohhhh, the sweet time we spend making since of it all.
Another set time I have is Sunday morning church, time to think about what is and has been in my life to put a frame around, with the promise to be nice to myself and leave it in that particular frame and back ground for a few days at a time, until I deal with it. I collect my children and get so many hugs and then.....I have hope.The friend I am most excited to grow old with is my sweet Donnie. He is amazing, and today in so many ways I am who I was created to be because of the way he loves me....that is important you know? The way we are loved, he loves me for the pain of it all and he brings out the joy when I can't find it. He reminds me of the mire and muck that was and helps me see the beauty today...he also knows the depth of my heart and lets me go there when I need to for a moment to frame it all up and breath.
I get moments with old friends, friends that have known me since I was a teen or younger, they see my my face in a way like most can't....I like my moments with them, they are mixed with a strange laughter and deep edge that reminds me we survived it all.
Finally, my moments with the ones who appreciate me, my family, my aunts, my grandparents, they know me, really get me and for me that is the best medicine for an aching heart. Sitting quietly in a room full of people you don't have to explain anything to, with peace even in the chaos of the storm.
These are the ways I take moments these crazy days of my story of a family with one man, one woman, 6 kids, a grandmother, 2 cats, one dog and multiplying fish.
I am going to take a moment.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Teenagers.....just a shameless plug

I have one son who is firmly in the world of teen age angst and one daughter who is on the front stoop. I love it. Love it, love it, love it. I am selfish for the reasons really and besides most of the time it is just fun. I complain and the bad moments are very, very, very bad, but they are also relatively few AND I believe that knowing what is ahead and not taking everything so personal will help with the coming kids. Having them talk to me about big things, important things, and sorting out their thoughts on family, friends and God our Creator has to be the most amazing thing. Knowing that in their brains they are making life long decisions and beginning to flesh those out both mortify me and excited me all at once. I was only 4years older than Zachary when I had Zachary. Being a young momma has had challenges that I can't put into words and one of those has been a lack of confidence. Today that is not where I am at. Today I am proud, so proud that I have great kids...Our kids have amazing friends, that my son refers to as 'his people', our daughter is working through the monumental task of balancing boundaries and not being a 'mean girl'. There world is one that I have unashamedly protected, but not naive. They are amazing. This doesn't hold any great wisdom no devotional moment, just me, a momma reflecting on being their momma. My Teen age years, not so great, not even safe for the most part. I had a few great friends who have found me into adult hood. I decided that our children would have the memories I wanted to make and do so many of the things that kids need to do. They are amazing and I am getting to do it along side of them.

Thanks Zachary and Sarah for being such amazing kids that make it a delight to be the momma of teenagers. Here are the years to come, you have been, so far, great job trainers.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Science and Theory of Travel and Sight....Outside of Myself and the Rubbermaid Box

Molecular Science and the Atomic Theory, Energy and Mass are all topics that are swirling around my mind and for that matter our conversations in our home this week. I am piecing together Chemistry, Nature Study, Creation, and Travel, while realizing that they are all connected, at least for me. As I reflect on the calling to travel, yes calling, I know that it is connected to my new found understanding of what is outside me and how it relates to changing me. The words are shifty and don't paint a great picture of what I know is true and will quite likely ruffle feathers in any theology, not just my on. We are connected to all this stuff outside of us and how we deal with it and what we do with the things we learn and see has the opportunity, at the very least, to change us. I do not want the space I take up in the world to not be worthy of the great awe I have for my Creator, God, and what His Son did on the Cross, in order that I may fully experience, to the nth degree His creation and the energy that He put in us to fully experience all that He has for us. The more outside of ourselves we go to see, to really see the things around us, the more we can see what He is doing in us.
Consider this excerpt from a little charm I found through Ambleside Online ( a free curriculum I am using for my daughter), it only highlights what I lay awake thinking about at night.....

So use your eyes and your intellect, your senses and your brains, and learn what God is trying to teach you continually by them. I do not mean that you must stop there, and learn nothing more. Anything but that.There are things which neither your senses nor your brains can tell you;and they are not only more glorious, but actually more true and more real than any things which you can see or touch. But you must begin at the beginning in order to end at the end, and sow the seed if you wish to gather the fruit. God has ordained that you, and every child which comes into the world, should begin by learning something of the world about him by his senses and his brain; and the better you learn what they can teach you, the more fit you will be to learn what they cannot teach you. The more you try now to understand _things_, the more you will be able hereafter to understand men, and That which is above men. You began to find out that truly Divine mystery, that you had a mother on earth,simply by lying soft and warm upon her bosom; and so (as Our Lord told the Jews of old) it is by watching the common natural things around you,and considering the lilies of the field, how they grow, that you will begin at least to learn that far Diviner mystery, that you have a Father in Heaven.
Taken From Madam How and Lady Why-Preface-Charles Kingsley (check it out if you have a chance)

Such simple Ah Ha moments, that is what I keep having, taking me out of the limits I have put on myself to think that this is all I can ever do. Realizing, that these are limits I have constrained myself to, and opening my eyes and seeing the world around me is another micro-movement to the goal of seeing the world I must travel to.
Finding that I don't and won't have to step out of my calling as God Servant, Wife and Mother, to reach these goals, but now understanding that the things I want to do and see, the person I want to be and the things I need to do are an extension to the call of who God has created me to be in my various roles. I will be a more intent God Servant, a more energetic attentive Wife, and find more compassion and grace and hope in my Mothering, by moving out of what I know into more of what I am called to, inside of these roles.
This is what I am thinking about today.
These are the places and thoughts that are becoming part of my story, part of my family's story.
I don't fully understand, but I must put movement on the thoughts.
I must 'Consider the Lillis of the Field' to understand what God really has for me.
I just want to go see more fields than the ones within my immediate surroundings.