Saturday, February 28, 2009

Move, Change, Stay the Same....Doing It All

In the coming weeks I will be doing it all....or at least all for me. I am a wife, mother, daughter, friend, Highland Church member, survivor, tutor most of all I am a working mom.
Wow, that just takes my breath away. Of course I know that all moms are working moms, I work while I home-educate, co-owner/operator of Pike Remodeling, tutor, drive, work 8-12 days a month for Clinique...etc., etc.,etc , I have been a working momma since my oldest was born almost 16 years ago. This week I was asked to take a job, a regular part time, get out of the house with makeup and an ironed outfit job for more than my usual few days a month and (drum roll please), I accepted.
I don't know if we as moms can do it all....I am not ever sure I do all that I already have to do as well as I should have or could have. I often lay in bed at night, sometimes with tears recounting the ways that I should have done something differently. I know this, I am a woman with resources, a grown up making choices.....I will choose to be a success, to do my best, to take a chance and reach for some amazing goals, seeking to partner with my sweet husband in a new exciting way to give our kids opportunities. The best opportunity I want to give these kids is the opportunity to see me, their momma, move out of her comfort zone, believing in myself, supporting her dream to do something bigger in a new season. I will still homeschool, I will still tutor, I will still cook dinner, this week while working I still managed to love sick kids, I will continue to allow myself and my story to re-shape, move and change.....and stay the same.

Friday, February 20, 2009

So Much in One Time, One Space, One Place.....To Be Contained or Lived

I will live today not worrying about what anyone thinks....I will not worry about what I think at every moment. In fact I will try not to think so much. Enjoying this coffee Maci just brought me may be the most thoughtful thing I do all day.
I will live loudly with the kids. I will not let the nagging names of the folks who I think about when my house isn't perfect, talk without answering in my head "go away....your thoughts are not my reality".
I will be sad when I need to,I feel tears so often in the last few weeks, I will let myself give in today, I will cry in the shower, maybe even loudly.
I will miss the people I need to miss, I will believe that the ones who are living really do miss me like they say they do.

Today, I will remind myself that it is never to late for a new successful life.
I, today need to remind myself that I can be all these things and feel all these things, sadness, anger, joy, hope, grief,anxiousness and still be of sound mind and sound body. That just because someone doesn't really get it, doesn't make me a fraud or a fake, it just means they don't get it and that is okay, for all concerned.

I will do unto me as I would have others do unto me or as I do unto others. I will show kindness, and peace, I will speak hope and encouragement and I will let some things go. I will change the standard if even for a moment.
Today I will be okay.
This is my story today, one of not getting it, not being able to hold on to all that is swirling at once. My story today seems to carry so much hope and so much grief, so much contentedness and so much of a need to move and change all at once, pain and peace, too many things that are so different in one time, one space, on spirit and body that I can hardly contain it all.
I don't think I can contain it all. I am not sure I want to contain it all.
I will move today in each part of this story, one step closer to the best we can be.

Friday, February 6, 2009

I Need a Moment and I Intend To Take it and Share It

I have a handfulof people that I will be happy to grow up with and grow old with,they are the ones that I take a moment with. Primarily myself.
In so many ways I am painfully aware that I am still growing much that I didn't know when I should have known, I was so busy surviving my life that I didn't learn it. I am learning so much today, growing up. Growing old just sounds comforting to me, hopeful, like somehow I will feel more comfortable in my space. I am quite sure there will be some uncomfortable moments, but the set moments will pull me through. Set moments?
Moments I set to think about and settle with what is going on, sometimes alone often with people I love. I have a set moment every Thursday night with my sweet Lauras (two of them). In God's true fashion they are nothing like me, but ohhhh, the sweet time we spend making since of it all.
Another set time I have is Sunday morning church, time to think about what is and has been in my life to put a frame around, with the promise to be nice to myself and leave it in that particular frame and back ground for a few days at a time, until I deal with it. I collect my children and get so many hugs and then.....I have hope.The friend I am most excited to grow old with is my sweet Donnie. He is amazing, and today in so many ways I am who I was created to be because of the way he loves me....that is important you know? The way we are loved, he loves me for the pain of it all and he brings out the joy when I can't find it. He reminds me of the mire and muck that was and helps me see the beauty today...he also knows the depth of my heart and lets me go there when I need to for a moment to frame it all up and breath.
I get moments with old friends, friends that have known me since I was a teen or younger, they see my my face in a way like most can't....I like my moments with them, they are mixed with a strange laughter and deep edge that reminds me we survived it all.
Finally, my moments with the ones who appreciate me, my family, my aunts, my grandparents, they know me, really get me and for me that is the best medicine for an aching heart. Sitting quietly in a room full of people you don't have to explain anything to, with peace even in the chaos of the storm.
These are the ways I take moments these crazy days of my story of a family with one man, one woman, 6 kids, a grandmother, 2 cats, one dog and multiplying fish.
I am going to take a moment.