Sunday, April 19, 2009

In Response to the Prayer....The Lord of My Dreams at the Root of a Selfish Prayer

This morning in our Bible Class...Sunday School Class, we spoke about the passages in Exodus that speak about knowing God. I said in my thoughts out loud in the same class that I now find myself praying "How do you want me to know You in this.....___________" fill in the blank.
Because I have seen in my on life that God is not as concerned with my finances, health, or happiness but more about how I know Him in all of these challenges and blessings. I am hard headed I learn more in a challenge so my prayer has been "How may I know you....where are you at....what do you want me to get from this?" and less "please take it away, heal them now, pay this bill." These prayers are not unselfish, I have come to see that God usually does the latter in some way or another, but that just asking for Him to show me His heart in these matters is much more comforting. I am selfish and I want to be comfortable, I like to know that God is near, since I have seen that trouble isn't going to go away and health is always a challenge....I just want Him near. That is not humble that is selfish.
I cry through these prayers, but I have learned that through these things are the most really it is selfish of me...very selfish, because at the bottom of it all is I don't want to miss a blessing and when I learn through these painful things, I am then blessed to see God's hand and well, just WOW. It is all about Him, because I am more selfish than anyone, wanting it all for myself to be good and pleasant, I have only been able to see those things through the pain...and when I taste the is sweet like honey and I long for more so I pray "Lord, put the things in my life which will draw me closer to you and take the things from my life which separate me from you."( This is a quoted prayer of a friend J.P.) one more time through tears....just to be near Him again....selfish I just want His hand for myself.
I am not humble, I ask God for an email or a fax or a finger of fire," just show me what I need to get from this ___________(fill in the blank), so I can be near to You." I am dependent and needy and so much so that only God, Jehovah, Lord Almighty can meet my needs.
Not praying for health, not praying for wealth isn't humble, it is the root of all is give me more of YOU....and I this other stuff won't be so big. We don't mind so much going through nearly anything if it is with the significant other of our dreams....That is what He is to me. I just want to be near to Him.

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Being Not Just the Doings of Me

I do not write because I don't have anything to say, it is because I have so much to say and can not seem to sort it all out. I think in essay, long essays, short essay, joke writing, tear jerkers, I think in writing style. I have so much I want to get out, that is part of my story. I want to talk about being a mother. I need to talk about being a wife. I don't know how to talk about being a daughter. I miss talking about being a grand daughter, when I am not near home. I am not sure how to talk about being an employee. So many different spaces in my life that I can speak on and for the life of me, I can't get it down. I am all of these things and more.
Today I will sit in this space, this time in my life where I can be all of these roles and understand that they are all part of me.
The big picture me is not just my doings of these roles, but my being in this time. Today I will try more being. I can't do less, but I can be more aware of this time in my life and who I am while I move with an even pace through the day. I will breathe more, I will take longer breaths, I will speak less, I will move slower while doing, so that I have longer moments to take hold of who I am. Comprehending this is huge, monumental....I am not sure I ever will, but today, I will endeavor to begin breathing in the being and not just the doing of my identity.
This is my story today.