I remember pain tonight. I have been reminded. Pain of loss and question when all that you think is one thing becomes quite another. Pain of realizing you have allowed your self to believe a lie about your life, the ones you have hurt or been hurt by and it all comes crumbling, crashing like waves one after the other into you so that it is easy to forget that the depth is only to your knees, as the pain is sucked in like salty sea water. Grasping for ways to end the pain, quickly, with harsh tones, hushed silent treatments, desperate prayers while it gurgles in your throat the pain. Calm. Calm is what has come after torrents of pain in my life. That weird calm that tells me,"just do the next thing next, Suzanne, breathe."
Lighting candles and sending up prayers, washing the dishes and putting kids to nap, going to church and crying during lunch, making to many phone call and turning the phone off.....pain has driven me to do insane things that didn't make any since then or now, then I would breath.
My life is different now, not as much pain, I am not having new pain come at me constantly....anymore. I am reminded of the causes of past pain often. I have given up on being rid of the residual pain it is much like the joint pain in my knees and hands, I breathe and find ways around it, different things work at different times.
I must remind myself often that the pain I feel, the lump in my throat, the urgency to fix....it is not about now, but more about then and more....way back then or is it way back when?
There is nothing I can fix about the pain or the lump in my throat (does that ever go away?). I must just realize that I am only in knee deep water and that the waves aren't so high I am not able to wade in the water and continue to enjoy the sites and sounds of the ocean.....life.
Now, I know warning signs of choppy water, unsafe seas, I see the red and yellow flags go up and I get out of the water. The storms still come, I am still often tossed and I still get choked up a bit. I am not afraid of drowning.
Not today, I will never say never, I have faced too many unexpected, uncontrollable storms, to say never.
Today I am okay the pain is okay, I will feel it, I will remember it, I will grieve it, I will NOT drown in it.
Lighting candles and sending up prayers, washing the dishes and putting kids to nap, going to church and crying during lunch, making to many phone call and turning the phone off.....pain has driven me to do insane things that didn't make any since then or now, then I would breath.
My life is different now, not as much pain, I am not having new pain come at me constantly....anymore. I am reminded of the causes of past pain often. I have given up on being rid of the residual pain it is much like the joint pain in my knees and hands, I breathe and find ways around it, different things work at different times.
I must remind myself often that the pain I feel, the lump in my throat, the urgency to fix....it is not about now, but more about then and more....way back then or is it way back when?
There is nothing I can fix about the pain or the lump in my throat (does that ever go away?). I must just realize that I am only in knee deep water and that the waves aren't so high I am not able to wade in the water and continue to enjoy the sites and sounds of the ocean.....life.
Now, I know warning signs of choppy water, unsafe seas, I see the red and yellow flags go up and I get out of the water. The storms still come, I am still often tossed and I still get choked up a bit. I am not afraid of drowning.
Not today, I will never say never, I have faced too many unexpected, uncontrollable storms, to say never.
Today I am okay the pain is okay, I will feel it, I will remember it, I will grieve it, I will NOT drown in it.
5 comments:
I too know pain... Past, Present, and maybe even Future. Rest in the Lord, let him be your strong ship when the waves get too high and the storms roll in. I love you my sister and you can call on me ANYTIME!!!
Lately I feel as if the waves are going to take me out to sea and I will NEVER come back...and to tell you the truth it doesn't seem like such a bad thing...
Any time I read analogies of believing sisters struggling through the storms of life, I'm reminded of Psalm 104--particularly verse 9. He has set a bound that they [those waves that knock us off our feet] cannot cross over.
Praying for you, and with you for Molly tonight.
Hey Sweetie, I was looking for your phone # on facebook and found your blog. I still don't have your number but have you in my thoughts and prayers. You have a sweet spirit and a loving heart. I love you, my Little Sis. My advanced years have helped me understand and forgive the pain of my past. I still drift back occassionally, seeing that it has,for better or worse, made me who I am today. I won't sign my name so you can guess who this is. Call me.
Thinking of you today and praying that the Lord sill continue to bring you comfort. One of my favorite passages of Scripture is found in Psalm 73:
" 23Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.
24Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.
25Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.
26My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
27For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee.
28But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works."
{{{{{}}}}} to you today,dear Suzanne.
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