Mothers Day Musings with Busy Days, Big Nights, Growing Older and Loving Every Minute Of It

Zachary and Holly MHEA PROM 2009

DJ at 5 years old and Mommy taking a long look at my last baby

Sarah and her friends at the big Girls Night Out

Sarah's Friends greeting her on the couch durning the Sunday School Hour on her sick birthday

Sarah' being surprised by the friends

In the last 4 months there has been so much going on that I can't even possible describe the roller coaster of emotions that have gone with the events. In February my oldest daughter turned 13, in March my youngest son turned 5, and last week my oldest went to the MHEA Prom.

On Sarah's 13th birthday she was very sick and so the party came to her that day....our sweet Senior Girls at Highland youth group and her fellow 7th grade friends all showed up at our home to sing and bring her some nice Starbucks Hot Cocoa....a priceless morning where I was sure once again that no one has ever felt as loved as our family feels by our amazing Highland Family.

She followed that party up a week later by having a girls night out party at a local hotel where the girls got to swim in February and dance all night long. One month later on March 25th, I went to officially not having anymore pre-school age children in my family when our youngest and second son turned 5 years old. For his birthday on a very muddy morning I bought him a Big Wheels his daddy and big brother put the toy together in the parking lot and I brought home Blue and Gray donuts (March Madness spirit for our home team the U of M Tigers) there was fun had by all. That was a bittersweet day where I found myself thinking about when the children were all so young and at 5 years old Zachary, our oldest was the "big kid" with 3 kids younger than him and that for 15 years I had a small child, pregnant and/or nursing....that season is over and it has ushered in a new season........

Just last week Zachary our oldest sat in our bathroom while I cleaned up the hair on his neck and we talked about corsages, for the impending dance. Now that he is almost 16 our family has found some firm footing in the land of adolescence and I LOVE IT.

There are ups and downs, tears and prayers, but I am watching this child who will be a man soon become more and more self assured and at peace with himself and his place in the world every day.

This isn't just a shameless plug for our children (it is that), but it is also me wanting to take a step back and recognize this unique place that I am in life. The mother of sons, daughters, almost grown and just beginning to really grow. I have some last chances to hold the hearts of our babies and some first chances to really see a glimpse of who some of these children are growing to be. Today I will commit to listen more to stories about new birthday toys and the difficult stories of broken hearts and questions about the world we are in right now. I will recognize tears and pains of growing young adults and not take it personal. I will kiss hurt knees and teach new spelling list. I will watch as we struggle through college classes and teach my youngest child to read. I will stand amazed at the story of it all, this is my story today, changing and growing up with my babies....

In Response to the Prayer....The Lord of My Dreams at the Root of a Selfish Prayer

This morning in our Bible Class...Sunday School Class, we spoke about the passages in Exodus that speak about knowing God. I said in my thoughts out loud in the same class that I now find myself praying "How do you want me to know You in this.....___________" fill in the blank.
Because I have seen in my on life that God is not as concerned with my finances, health, or happiness but more about how I know Him in all of these challenges and blessings. I am hard headed I learn more in a challenge so my prayer has been "How may I know you....where are you at....what do you want me to get from this?" and less "please take it away, heal them now, pay this bill." These prayers are not unselfish, I have come to see that God usually does the latter in some way or another, but that just asking for Him to show me His heart in these matters is much more comforting. I am selfish and I want to be comfortable, I like to know that God is near, since I have seen that trouble isn't going to go away and health is always a challenge....I just want Him near. That is not humble that is selfish.
I cry through these prayers, but I have learned that through these things are the most blessing...so really it is selfish of me...very selfish, because at the bottom of it all is I don't want to miss a blessing and when I learn through these painful things, I am then blessed to see God's hand and well, just WOW. It is all about Him, because I am more selfish than anyone, wanting it all for myself to be good and pleasant, I have only been able to see those things through the pain...and when I taste the pleasantness....it is sweet like honey and I long for more so I pray "Lord, put the things in my life which will draw me closer to you and take the things from my life which separate me from you."( This is a quoted prayer of a friend J.P.) one more time through tears....just to be near Him again....selfish I just want His hand for myself.
I am not humble, I ask God for an email or a fax or a finger of fire," just show me what I need to get from this ___________(fill in the blank), so I can be near to You." I am dependent and needy and so much so that only God, Jehovah, Lord Almighty can meet my needs.
Not praying for health, not praying for wealth isn't humble, it is the root of all selfishness....it is give me more of YOU....and I this other stuff won't be so big. We don't mind so much going through nearly anything if it is with the significant other of our dreams....That is what He is to me. I just want to be near to Him.

The Being Not Just the Doings of Me

I do not write because I don't have anything to say, it is because I have so much to say and can not seem to sort it all out. I think in essay, long essays, short essay, joke writing, tear jerkers, I think in writing style. I have so much I want to get out, that is part of my story. I want to talk about being a mother. I need to talk about being a wife. I don't know how to talk about being a daughter. I miss talking about being a grand daughter, when I am not near home. I am not sure how to talk about being an employee. So many different spaces in my life that I can speak on and for the life of me, I can't get it down. I am all of these things and more.
Today I will sit in this space, this time in my life where I can be all of these roles and understand that they are all part of me.
The big picture me is not just my doings of these roles, but my being in this time. Today I will try more being. I can't do less, but I can be more aware of this time in my life and who I am while I move with an even pace through the day. I will breathe more, I will take longer breaths, I will speak less, I will move slower while doing, so that I have longer moments to take hold of who I am. Comprehending this is huge, monumental....I am not sure I ever will, but today, I will endeavor to begin breathing in the being and not just the doing of my identity.
This is my story today.

Finding Peace in the Moment During Un-Defined Changing Seasons

I used to look forward to the days off, where I had nothing to do. I longed for long cozy days (code for staying in PJ-cozies). Now I am adjusting and appreciating long moments of free time with my kids, a few hours straight to read good books and review some math while washing laundry. As my babies are becoming pre-teens and teens I find that my greatest moments of peace are found when the family is being loud in one spot playing a game or working in the home. Quiet is no longer defined as nothing to do, but instead things to do together.
Today my story is one of deep gratitude for the ability to change with the seasons of life. As I find my footing in all the roles I am in-Mother of Teenagers so close to adult life, Mother of Pre-Teens genetically the same but so different and still so amazing, mother to an amazing spunky 8 year old who has found her way to second grade reading and math like a cheer leader in a nail biting game and finally Mommy of a pre-schooler for the last time in this season of my life, in just a few short months this last baby will begin Kindergarten in our homeschool, I am overwhelmed with feelings about that. I find craziness that in addition to being a momma I am a wife, a daughter with my mom living with us, an employee, a friend to amazing women of all sorts, a homeschool teacher. I like to dance and read and sleep, I enjoy rock and country, so many roles and I am finding rest and peace moving fluently from one to the other and enjoying the moment. No more are the long days in pajamas with a house full of small kids who only need stories and PB&J, now are the days of cheerleading, Honor Society, heart to heart talks, Choir, Camp, swimming parties, makeup, purses, drivers licenses and college choices. I find peace in the moments, each one I will embrace.
That is my story today, letting the seasons change in my life without resistance but instead with hope and a renewed energy.

Move, Change, Stay the Same....Doing It All

In the coming weeks I will be doing it all....or at least all for me. I am a wife, mother, daughter, friend, Highland Church member, survivor, tutor most of all Christian....now I am a working mom.
Wow, that just takes my breath away. Of course I know that all moms are working moms, I work while I home-educate, co-owner/operator of Pike Remodeling, tutor, drive, work 8-12 days a month for Clinique...etc., etc.,etc , I have been a working momma since my oldest was born almost 16 years ago. This week I was asked to take a job, a regular part time, get out of the house with makeup and an ironed outfit job for more than my usual few days a month and (drum roll please), I accepted.
I don't know if we as moms can do it all....I am not ever sure I do all that I already have to do as well as I should have or could have. I often lay in bed at night, sometimes with tears recounting the ways that I should have done something differently. I know this, I am a woman with resources, a grown up making choices.....I will choose to be a success, to do my best, to take a chance and reach for some amazing goals, seeking to partner with my sweet husband in a new exciting way to give our kids opportunities. The best opportunity I want to give these kids is the opportunity to see me, their momma, move out of her comfort zone, believing in myself, supporting her dream to do something bigger in a new season. I will still homeschool, I will still tutor, I will still cook dinner, this week while working I still managed to love sick kids, I will continue to allow myself and my story to re-shape, move and change.....and stay the same.

So Much in One Time, One Space, One Place.....To Be Contained or Lived

I will live today not worrying about what anyone thinks....I will not worry about what I think at every moment. In fact I will try not to think so much. Enjoying this coffee Maci just brought me may be the most thoughtful thing I do all day.
I will live loudly with the kids. I will not let the nagging names of the folks who I think about when my house isn't perfect, talk without answering in my head "go away....your thoughts are not my reality".
I will be sad when I need to,I feel tears so often in the last few weeks, I will let myself give in today, I will cry in the shower, maybe even loudly.
I will miss the people I need to miss, I will believe that the ones who are living really do miss me like they say they do.

Today, I will remind myself that it is never to late for a new successful life.
I, today need to remind myself that I can be all these things and feel all these things, sadness, anger, joy, hope, grief,anxiousness and still be of sound mind and sound body. That just because someone doesn't really get it, doesn't make me a fraud or a fake, it just means they don't get it and that is okay, for all concerned.

I will do unto me as I would have others do unto me or as I do unto others. I will show kindness, and peace, I will speak hope and encouragement and I will let some things go. I will change the standard if even for a moment.
Today I will be okay.
This is my story today, one of not getting it, not being able to hold on to all that is swirling at once. My story today seems to carry so much hope and so much grief, so much contentedness and so much of a need to move and change all at once, pain and peace, too many things that are so different in one time, one space, on spirit and body that I can hardly contain it all.
I don't think I can contain it all. I am not sure I want to contain it all.
I will move today in each part of this story, one step closer to the best we can be.

I Need a Moment and I Intend To Take it and Share It

I have a handfulof people that I will be happy to grow up with and grow old with,they are the ones that I take a moment with. Primarily myself.
In so many ways I am painfully aware that I am still growing up...so much that I didn't know when I should have known, I was so busy surviving my life that I didn't learn it. I am learning so much today, growing up. Growing old just sounds comforting to me, hopeful, like somehow I will feel more comfortable in my space. I am quite sure there will be some uncomfortable moments, but the set moments will pull me through. Set moments?
Moments I set to think about and settle with what is going on, sometimes alone often with people I love. I have a set moment every Thursday night with my sweet Lauras (two of them). In God's true fashion they are nothing like me, but ohhhh, the sweet time we spend making since of it all.
Another set time I have is Sunday morning church, time to think about what is and has been in my life to put a frame around, with the promise to be nice to myself and leave it in that particular frame and back ground for a few days at a time, until I deal with it. I collect my children and get so many hugs and then.....I have hope.The friend I am most excited to grow old with is my sweet Donnie. He is amazing, and today in so many ways I am who I was created to be because of the way he loves me....that is important you know? The way we are loved, he loves me for the pain of it all and he brings out the joy when I can't find it. He reminds me of the mire and muck that was and helps me see the beauty today...he also knows the depth of my heart and lets me go there when I need to for a moment to frame it all up and breath.
I get moments with old friends, friends that have known me since I was a teen or younger, they see my my face in a way like most can't....I like my moments with them, they are mixed with a strange laughter and deep edge that reminds me we survived it all.
Finally, my moments with the ones who appreciate me, my family, my aunts, my grandparents, they know me, really get me and for me that is the best medicine for an aching heart. Sitting quietly in a room full of people you don't have to explain anything to, with peace even in the chaos of the storm.
These are the ways I take moments these crazy days of my story of a family with one man, one woman, 6 kids, a grandmother, 2 cats, one dog and multiplying fish.
I am going to take a moment.