If people really know who I am, the experiences I have endured, enjoyed or ultimately allowed to shape me they will not like me or accept me. If people really know the stories this life carries, the real stories, the ones that keep me up at night and that others fear, they will send me packing.
This is what I tell myself, this is sometimes what I believe.
I was an open book, now I am guarded book.
Sure I tell you my stories, some of them, with color and tone and hope....but you don't get the details. You don't need them, really, not in this forum, besides.....you wouldn't like me.....right?
We all have a story.
My story today IS....we are looking to join our local church we have been at for over 3 years. I am told we are loved, accepted and wanted. I say to myself, you don't know my story. Me the talker, the teller on my self, had a small panic, okay a large panic upon the announcement that we would meet with some of the elders and place membership. Mortified, I decided my husband shouldn't be such a leader after all. This all followed my sweet twin girls being baptized 2 weeks ago, surrounded by this family of friends who said they really love us. Surrounded by relationship I realize(d), I still worry.
I don't have any deep thoughts on this, know answer in the conclusion. I am just putting it out there. I believe somewhere in me that you may be fine with the conclusion of my story thus far, and even good with the sketchy details, but goodness forbid you ever need the details and you will (not maybe, but will) change your mind. It has happened you know!?.
This are my thoughts and this is my story today....no conclusion.
4 comments:
Whoo boy! My husband and I are grappling with decisions about our local body too. We've been here 13 years... There are days I want out, times I want to stay...
Have you ever read Ann Voskamp's blog? She had a great post a while back about being part of a local body. The thoughts they swirl. Stop the tilt-a-whirl, I wanna get off!
May you continue to know His leading...
Suzanne, just stopping by to give you a hug today. Your story is mine, too. And I am far too transparent sometimes, far too willing to be vulnerable. Sometimes it has been to my detriment, other times it has blessed someone else so I am willing to do it again.
We have been in our church for about 3 1/2 years and took the membership class but have not yet joined. We are still processing that decision. Our life luggage has some pretty horrible church experiences tucked inside and we are still mending, I can tell. We dearly love our pastor and he preaches the Word boldly. Our children have needed that as much as we have. Our church is large, too, and sometimes impersonal. As I said, we are still processing the membership issue but plan to stay where we are for a long, long time.
Thanks for your willingness to be honest. It is so refreshing.
we adore our church, simply adore each person in our lives and feel loved, are loved...this is purely about me,nothing but fear of my on sinful self...how sad is that?
have you read the book "Captivating?" i picked that book up at a time in my life when i was feeling much like you may be feeling here. it was the beginning of a life-changing journey for me...highly recommend.
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