Unavoidable

Hug them, hug them hard, hug them again. This week Zachary and I attended the funeral of a 33 yr old momma who Zachary received a ride from 4 out of 5 days a week in 7th grade and we are processing the idea that a small child we have prayed for over year went home to Jesus after a valiant battle against Leukemia, my children and children around the world prayed for this baby every day. I don't doubt God, I don't question Him anymore, I know that through our on experiences that the answers sometimes don't show themselves for years, decades, and some not at all until heaven, even when they come I usually don't understand them. I am however sad, and my body feels heavy. I am speaking in multiple forms of first person,but loss stinks for all. I have had to see too many little people, young children, babies, buried, it never gets easier. I find myself unable to absorb it, I hope I never can absorb it fully, that would leave my spirit dulled. Being close to death stinks there is no way to say it nicer. I am sick of it, we weren't made to die and so it hurts.
We have buried babies, mothers, fathers, friends, a papaw, a granny, miscarried children and ultimately history in the past 7 years. The pain is great, the mourning is often physically painful, I feel it hurt to my bones, in my bones, through my body. The Word say there may be sorrow in the night, but dancing in the morning.
COME MORNING COME....
I will write more later....I will try to put into words how I, my family, my children, my sweet husband have found peace in the midst of many storms, many losses, there is hope and peace. I feel this hope and peace even in present pain, my story, my spirit is like that, often mingled with so many polar opposite moments in the same breath.
Utter grief, new pain......Hope and Peace, gratitude even
I find myself grieving all over again with the ideas of you each today....grief is a process, ugh.
I miss you, each of you, who are not mentioned often enough in my words but more than anyone will know your names and memories are spoken in my spirit, in the deepest parts of me, that is where I hold you.
I don't want to forget your face and I worry that it has been so long since I heard your voice or that it will seem like you weren't important because I never heard you cry or laugh.....but I have to believe that these are unfounded fears, as I recall you, each of you this moment. Sometimes I believe that grief is the worst pain.
This is where I am today.
Share with someone where you are.